I can’t cope

I DIDN'T want to get up this morning @Captain24 ... not at all. But I also knew I couldn't have a repeat of yesterday where the less I had to do, the little I got done!

So I got out of bed at 6:30am, puddled around a bit, did some admin work, tidied things up, had to make a few phone calls (not to friends.... just insurance company, bank, etc). Yeah... so just mainly computer work and desk work today.

I also had to organise credit bans due to the data breach. So I had to see to all that business. I only use that telecommunications network for data on my ipads... even then my details were compromised.....argh...

But as for you, I'm so glad you phoned your friend. It sounds like connection really does energise you (even if you don't feel like doing it). That happens to me too. I see the benefit in it. I guess it reminds us that humans are social creatures.

So don't worry about not getting off the lounge after your walk today.

Write a list or make a list in your mind and time yourself with your meal prep. It might be hard to get started, but once you do, you'll feel better. Just know I'm cheering you on.

Do you plan to meet up with the friend any time soon?

Sounds like you achieved a lot today @tyme! I need to take a leaf out of your book.

At least you got your details sorted. I’m lucky I use a different provider.

My therapist is only doing zoom now so I got my laptop out to update it as I haven’t turned it in for 2 years.

Ive done a job list with times for tomorrow so hopefully that may get me motivated. Plus it has to be done.

I probably won’t catch up with my friend until Easter. Unless I take some annual leave and go down and visit but I’ve never been to Melbourne before. It’s also a long drive for Pixie as she gets car sick.

You have just pointed out a cycle for me. I had a really good day at work when I had the young girl in the truck with me. The next day I made an attempt. Friday night I went to the work thing and then the next day I had to reach out to a crisis service as I wasn’t safe. Then I chatted to my friend today and tonight it’s a struggle to stay safe.

It’s interesting but what do I do with it? Does that mean social connections are a trigger?

I've seen that trend @Captain24 - I've had that trend in my life too.

It is definitely good to raise it with your MH nurse/team next time.

For me, I used to have this build up of anxiety leading up to a social event > then I'd attend and finish on a 'high' > then I need the next day or two to 'recover'

Period after the event used to include a lot of 'post-mortems' if you get what I mean. That is, 'I should've said this', 'I should've done that', 'I shouldn't have said...'.

It was also a type of emotional dyregulation. Being so anxious, then heightened, then the body trying to maintain equilibrium so emotions crash.... can you sort of see a trend/graph. Have a look at this:

This is social cognition of BPD versus 'neutral'.

OMG!! I can't explain this better myself! Have a look at these graphs below:

Norm is the blue line. I'm the red line....

This is the first time I've seen data on what I experience in social settings!

For Example, at a social situation, most neutral people's emotional state is quite low, but for a BPDer like me, I am so emotionally heightened (anxious). During the event, I continue to climb, and even after the event, I am still emotionally heightened - much more than 'neutral people'

Sorry if i'm not making sense... I'm just excited to see this data.

That sounds like what I’ve just been through. @tyme . Also the post mortem!

I do that most times I even have a basic conversation. What you said is what I feel. I’ve always been like that just not to my current extreme. People have always said nothing is ever enough for me.

I am seeing many many many many similarities @Captain24 - I see more everyday.

Anyway, I'd better hop off. I'll catchya later in the week.

I have so much to do today but I just have no motivation. I just can’t get out of my head and it’s not a good place to be at the moment. I have so many dark thoughts. I just want to stay on the lounge.

Hi @Captain24

Sorry to hear you're feeling down at the moment. Do you have something you can do this morning that will distract you from feeling so low?

Thinking of you

Hanami

I put some music in an have managed to have a shower and bath Pixie. I guess it’s a start. @hanami.
I’m so tired of fighting the thoughts and feeling like this. I feel like I’m just always negative no matter how hard I try. It’s like life is just a constant battle.

It's definitely a good start. Take things easy, breaking it down to hour by hour. Try not to think too far ahead. Music and a bath for Pixie sounds really nice 😊