I can’t cope

They keep telling me that I’m angry at my childhood and if I don’t get rid of the anger I won’t move forward. Apparently what I need is a punching bag. @Jynx

When I say to stop saying I’m angry they all then just go there it is see! I can’t win.

I feel like I can’t win anywhere it’s them against me and they are right and I just have to agree with what they say.

@Captain24 One concept that has helped me immensely with my anger is the idea that anger is a 'secondary emotion' - i.e. it is an emotion that stems from a deeper pain or fear, e.g. being angry at someone who wronged us is because we feel hurt and betrayed. So it makes a lot of sense that you're angry at your childhood, it would stem from the hurt of your needs not being met by your primary caregivers.

I'd agree that working through these feelings is super important to your ability to move forward, but like... how we do that is gonna look different for everyone. It could be you need to start with the anger and then delve deeper. Could be that the anger is masking the deeper pain and will just keep flaring up and getting in the way. Hard to say.

In any case, none of this is going to work if you don't have a good relationship with your treating team. I'm hearing that they're missing the mark quite a lot, and the idea that you 'just have to agree with them' is so, so toxic. Please note that I do NOT mean, 'you are toxic', just that this situation might become toxic/isn't going to aid in your recovery if you don't feel safe with your supports. And yes, deferring to them as experts on your emotional state (YOU ARE THE EXPERT ON YOUR LIFE AND YOUR EMOTIONS, NO ONE ELSE IS) and not being able to stand up for yourself to them is absolutely a sign that you don't feel safe.

I just have to go along with it @Jynx. They are the experts and I have to do what they say.

I was too scared to talk about last night. I was worried what they would think of me. I’m worried about what you guys think of me.

@Captain24 says who? Seriously, even if they've got twelve bloody uni degrees they will never be the experts on YOUR LIFE.

What do I think of you? The exact same as I've always thought - you're part of my forums fam and I will always have your back! I would never think any less of you, especially not for something like this, I promise you that.

I don’t have the confidence to stand up for myself. I just listen while they tell

me what is wrong. @Jynx. It’s too hard. I open up best on here.

Should I tell them what happened? I’m a bit scared too. What will they think? Will they think I’m crazy? Do you think I’m crazy? Maybe I should wait and see if it happens again.

Thank you for having my back. It’s so good to know. You have helped me with a fair bit.

@Captain24 Perhaps you could go to whichever of your supports you do feel the most safe with, and chat to them about the fact that you don't feel like you can stand up for yourself. You could ask them to create more opportunities for you to share your thoughts and opinions, and to really double check with you about stuff, you know like 'hey I struggle with people-pleasing, I might end up agreeing with things I don't actually want, but can't always help myself or even identify that I wanted to say no. Please help me to explore my own feelings about things before we make decisions about my recovery.'

Alternatively, if you do open up best on here, you could always like... idk print out a bunch of your posts and take em in with you 😅

Up to you as to whether you feel ready to talk about last night. I think it would be an important thing to bring up, but on your terms hun.

And no, I don't think you're 'crazy' because I don't actually believe that 'crazy' exists. It's all just different ways of human brains trying to navigate a very strange and confusing world. But that's just how I approach all mental health stuff, through a de-stigmatising/de-pathologising lens. Anyone who tells you you're 'crazy' is someone I think you can safely ignore 😉

Always hun! And you're very welcome, I'll walk with you every step!

Maybe printing these out might help. @Jynx. I’m definitely a people pleaser. It’s what I have to do to feel safe. I totally can’t stand up.

Maybe my GP is the easiest to talk to. Maybe I will get more confidence after being hospital for the second time. I don’t see my psych until I come back. I don’t know when I see my CM she won’t get back to me. Maybe she just thinks I’m not worth it.

She would probably be the best to talk about last night. My GP is a really good listener. He might listen and not interrupt. The others interrupt me and tell me what I’m think and feeling.

Thanks for being you!

@Captain24 😍 Aww you got me blushing, thanks hun.

Your GP sounds amazing! Glad there is someone you feel would be able to just hold the space for you. So important, especially with difficult or heavy topics.

BTW when do you go back for your next hospital stay?

Aawww @Jynx your welcome.

My GP is painful. He sits there and leaves the empty space by not talking that I need to fill. I don’t think that makes sense but I hope you get it. He will also write out the medical certificate for my first few days off. He writes whatever I want!

2 .5 weeks.. I have the house sitter organised but that’s about it. I haven’t heard from the hospital yet either. They are pretty hopeless so I should probably chase them up.

Heya, well done on getting to the chat 🙂 @Captain24

Is this the same house sitter as last time???