I can’t cope

Gday, how's things @Captain24 ?

Share a cuppa? I ate cheesecake today, so I'm just having an english breakfast, you?

Heya @tyme

Firstly I am safe!

Im not doing real well today.

How was your morning? Cheesecake sounds good. I haven’t had anything. Maybe I need a hot choc.

Hot Choc with sweetened condensed milk and cream, coming right up!

It was sunny but a bit chilly on my side. So I ended up doing the lawns. It was much needed. I also cleaned the house. I haven't gone for a walk yet though! I will...soon.

I am happy to hear you are safe - that you got through the evening. I know it is challenging now, but I also know it won't stay like that forever.

I'm actually feeling a little tired today. But maybe because I need to eat better! But it's okay. The delicious cheesecake was worth it!

tyme

Are you going to your folks tonight or tomorrow? @Captain24

Thanks for my hot choc @tyme especially with the condensed milk!

It was sunny here today too but now is getting cold. I did the front lawn but I didn’t have it in me to spend the 2hrs to do the back. I did a little bit of housework and walked the dog.

Mowing counts instead of a walk! It’s hard work.

I’d take an awesome cheesecake over eating properly any day.

Dinner is at the folks tomorrow night. Do you have another busy day planned for tomorrow?

I hope this passes soon. It’s getting deeper and the thoughts are constant from the time I wake up until the time I go to bed. It’s hard to not listen to them but I made a promise.

You are so incredible @Captain24 in that you are willing to make promises to yourself in this regard. I understand how challenging this period of time is for you. And I acknowledge it is not pleasant.

Something that took me years to realise is that thoughts are thoughts. You are not judged 'good' or 'bad' about your thoughts. I used get so upset with myself every time I had suicidal thoughts (all the time), because I thought it meant I was a 'bad' person.

My therapist had to work intensively with me to get me to the point of understanding that thoughts are thoughts, and they pass just as the dark clouds do.

And that's when we worked on parking my ice-cream van there. It's so hard at first, but it does get easier.

I'm sort of happy I got the lawns done today. And yes, it IS hard work! I then swept and cleaned the outside too.... so maybe that does count as my 'walk' today.

I forgot to wear my smart watch so I couldn't detect whether my heart rate was up high enough.

Enjoy your time with your family tonight. Hope you have something yummy 🙂 I look forward to hearing how it goes,

tyme

I do feel like a bad person @tyme especially when so many people are fighting to live.

I have been trying to park muddy pixie but I just can’t do it. Maybe I’m too deep in right now.

If you didn’t wear your watch then it doesn’t count! 😉 I’ll give you a pass on the walk though

Dinner is tomorrow

It may FEEL like you are a 'bad' person @Captain24 - but that doesn't mean that's fact. Rather, it's a 'feeling'. One that comes and goes.

I think I've told you before, but part of my MH condition is that I have chronic suicidal thoughts. I just let them come and go now. I sometimes don't even take notice or realise that I'm having them.

Oh, as for going for dinner tomorrow, I must've misread that you were going tonight.

I'm not sure what I'll have for dinner tonight. I have some leftover paella - i might have that.

You know what I was craving yesterday? Avocados. I ended up eating three small ones lol...

Do you have another pic of Pixie?

 she’s a little bit cute.. @tyme

Leftover paella sounds good if it’s chicken not seafood!

I just had boiled pasta.

Just a BIT cute?!?!?! @Captain24 !

OMG! She's adorable!