I can’t cope

My psych appointment left me feeling frustrated. I really leave her feeling good.

I’ve just sat down for the first time since my appointment. I have done so much today. I even weeded one of the front garden beds.

I’ve even had a bath. I don’t do that very often. It takes too long for it to fill and I struggle to just lay there and relax.

I’m feeling exhausted

@Captain24 Hey darlin, just popping by. Sounds like a heavy appt. It's funny I was just talking to a friend about this the other day - how we feel leaving therapy. My friend said that if he wasn't crying and completely shattered after an appt then it wasn't a particularly helpful one - cos he wants to be challenged and dig stuff up to help him process it. For me, I know I don't always cry in therapy but it's pretty often. Most of the time, I feel exhausted leaving my appts - I guess because it really is work. The 'good feelings' often appear later - when I'm able to put a skill or something into practice, or when I find myself chatting to someone about what came up in therapy and realise I am less emotional about it.

I guess I'm just curious about whether you feel like you're leaving frustrated because the appt was very emotionally taxing, or frustrated because you feel you're not making progress? Or maybe even that you're not feeling safe/held in the space?

Hey @Jynx

I don’t feel like we make any progress. She can’t focus on working on any one thing longer than a session. I’m not getting anywhere. Today she said that the hospital only wants me to come back because it’s a business and wants money. Then she is telling me just to take sick leave so I can go. She just doesn’t get anything. Sometimes she can be good. I have never cried with her. I don’t feel safe and I don’t feel heard. Maybe it’s normal.

Anyhoo.. how are you

@Captain24 it's not my place to tell you whether or not your psych is a good fit buuut.... none of that sounds healthy to me! Not feeling safe is a BIG red flag for me when I'm finding the right support. I don't think we can really heal from trauma without a sense of safety and reassurance that has been properly built within the therapeutic relationship.

"Sometimes she can be good"... I have, in the past, stuck with therapists because they have been kinda or mostly helpful. But once I found a therapist who was always helpful (not to say every single session was jam packed with healing, but more that in each session I felt safe to be open, and my vulnerability was always met with validation and reassurance) I realised what kind of standards I was allowed to set for what I need in the relationship. If I don't feel safe and heard, or if I feel like they don't get me, I will not waste my time or money. Therapy is expensive! No sense in wasting that money on someone who doesn't fit my vibe, or who isn't helping me actually make progress.

"Maybe that's normal" - I mean, in the sense that it often can take a bit of trial and error to find the right therapist, then yeah it's normal. But is all therapy just like this? Nope. Not in my experience it's not. And you deserve better than someone who is trying to talk you out of hospital on the grounds that they just want your money.

On that note - do the hospital want your money? Of course. But does that also mean they don't care about you, and only care about your money? Not to my mind. If you found it helpful, and think it could be helpful once more, then it's at least worth considering right?

Anyway, big Jynx rant = over! For now...

🤣

I'm doing okay atm hun, thanks for asking. Been a little on the low side but been trying to keep on top of it/putting some extra self-care steps into practice to manage. Like tonight I think I will pop some choice tunes on and belt out some very loud songs in the shower - gotta stimulate that vagus nerve!

I guess I just have to work with her @Jynx. There’s a huge waiting list here to see anyone and she is on my MHCP and EDCP.

Yes the clinic does want my money but if they were that desperate they would want me to redo stage 1 not move forward to stage 2.

Im sorry you are feeling low. Do you want to chat? At the clinic they said that singing out loud helps!! But you are already all over that.

Mm it can definitely feel like we're 'stuck with them' if there's all those things in place like MHCP and stuff @Captain24. But maybe if you were to look around for another psych - find one via an online database or something (like this one) cos you might just end up on a waitlist! Then when it's time to renew your MHCP you will already have a person in mind and they'll be ready for you as well. Food for thought - because you absolutely deserve to have a therapist who is actually, you know, therapeutic.

Exactly! I think it'd possibly be more obvious if there was something skeezy or underhanded about them wanting you to come back. Are you feeling pretty keen to do so?

Aww you're very sweet to offer! I am okay by and large, got my supports in place and been venting about stuff to a friend, so I am ok - just gotta put some extra self-care into practice and remind myself that it's okay to be a bit more reactive than usual. Yeah singing is amazing! You got some tunes you like to sing along to?

I’ll have a look but my MHCP and EDCP both overlap. @Jynx. I’ll talk to my GP when I go to home next. Maybe he can help out.

Im keen to go back. Which is quite amusing since I kept refusing to go and was forced into it. If I can juggle it with work, I’d like to go back in 6 months to do the next stage and after that I’d like to go every 12-18 months.

My go to singing is varied. Songs of faith, Elvis, Kylie, P!nk or anything 80’s. I’m pretty easy pleased!! There is a radio station that is streamed at work that has anything from the 60’s to know. I sing a lot! 😜 When you are singing take note of how often you close your eyes! When I close my eyes at work I set the camera off and the seat vibrates!

@Captain24 yeah definitely worth looking into - even if it's just to get the ball rolling, and give you some options to explore.

Haha yeah makes sense you were so resistant at first! Humans prefer to do stuff when we believe it's our idea 😅 But I'm glad you're so keen to keep that ball rolling, continue your healing journey!

Ooh nice!! I do love some classic 80's ballads - was legit smashing out some Gimme Gimme Gimme by ABBA just the other day!

Oh what does closing eyes mean? If it means something haha. I actually sing most frequently in the car so... no eye closing allowed 😂

Eventually it’ll just be for maintenance @Jynx

Love me some ABBA.

It’s not like I close my eyes for any length of time just longer than a blink. I don’t even notice until my seat goes brrrr and says ‘fatigue alert fatigue alert’

I mostly just listened to the music and sometimes sang. Now I sing way more often. It’s something easy to do that may lift a mood or change direction of it.

You can see I got so much out of it. Obviously you don’t take everything in but what I got out of it imagine what I didn’t retain!

Ahh @Captain24 that's cool that your car can tell when your eyes are closed! And I thought mine was high tech when it was able to warn me my tyre pressure was low! Wow. And yeah you're so right about how much our mood can be shifted or carried by some singing!

Yeah totally, maintenance is important! And it warms me to know that you're seeing that far ahead, and seeing that goal in your mind - so incredible, the power of our minds hey. Yeah there's still much that's untapped or that didn't quite sink in, and sounds like you're excited to jump back in, soak up even more the second time around! And it will totally be easier to do so too because you won't have anywhere near as much anxiety or trepidation, won't have to spend as long settling in, which leaves more time and energy for the work 😁