sick of myself

ive been MIA lately. just so ashamed of myself for getting so low again. for being so useless to everyone around me. i'm so confused and lost in my life. ive been on this merry go round for 3 years since seperating frm my ex of court and appeals and family court mud slinging matches. it doesnt end and im suddenly so angry with it all and ive never really felt anger before and im terrified of it. people tell me that i need to hold on and that all that external stuff 'will end'... its been 3 years.. and at least family court wise we havent even started that properly yet. i cant envisage coping through another 3 years of this and being told that it 'will end' is just agh! im so confused with this anger that is just bubbling under the surface at the moment. i dont know what to do with it and when i start to 'get angry' i immediately start to remember horrific things where others were angry and shut off into some bad space with the movies running over and over in my head. i feel like i go from almost about to explode in anger to this pathetic terrified whimpering child. i'm scared all the time that its going to happen again. my physical health is on the rocks though mostly the drs just say im run down and my mental health is not helping and could be contributing etc. which is all true but doesnt really lead to anything getting better. and sleep is non existant. my pyschiatrist wanted me to use meds and i told him i'd tried them and they dont work and he laughed as though i was lying (not unkindly.. hes actually quite nice) and i wont take the other stuff he seems to love... but makes me feel so much worse during the day. it kind of doesnt help that its holidays i think because i lose the... routine that work forces me to stick to. and my kids are with their dad for the longest time yet and not speaking to them for so long is just awful.

i was getting by before by focussing on the next important thing that i had to do, whether it was get dressed, make lunches, get in the car, plan lesson, talk to... etc i just had everything down to this focus on one thing next. but i havent been able to keep up with any more than that andnow theres so much more piling in that is overwhelming me completely. house is a disaster area, but probably cluttered densely enougn now that we'd survive a nuclear attack (see i can sstill see a silver lining). my blood pressure problems and dizziness may mean i cant drive if it keeps happening. we wont cope with that. my brain looks at stuff and just doesnt compute it. i cant concentrate or make myself do that things that i know need doing. i started the dishes an hour ago but got as far as filling the sink and washing one plate before i just got distracted and ended up back in my chair. im just so utterly usefless at the moment and theres just nothing of me left.

lj