sick of myself

Oh my @Former-Member - that couldn't be further from the truth. You working is fantastic - however, it does not mean you don't deserve support whatsoever! I know many many people with mental illnesses who work full time and have the exact same level of care consistently from unemployment through to working full time. It's critical!

The challenge with full time work, as you pointed out, is time to fit in your appointments. It sounds like there was a mix up of communication with your support worker. Perhaps you could ask her to text you before she comes around, regardless if it's scheduled or not.

I hope in the next few weeks the intensity of school decreases. I actually use to really love the last 3 weeks or so. Lots of crafty Christmas things and some freedom & flexibility (ie "Hey it's Friday - FREE TIME!"). Do you like that part of the term?

hi @NikNik @Kurra @Former-Member @utopia

its been a long day. i didnt get to school. i did see support people and got some information about things coming up. and in someways i feel kind of relieved, in other ways not, its all still there, i still have to get through it all. i know rationally i should be just taking it day by day, not worrying ot far ahead but its so much easier to say that than do it. my thoughts wander off ahead and im contantly pulling htem back and trying to contain things. its exhausting on its own.

thank you @NikNik i did see support people today to get thru stuff that had to be done today.

i love the last week, sitting and just colouring or making something quietly with kids is so nice. being able to just take time to sit and enjoy time without pressure is something that never seems to be able to happen during the year.

lj

Hi @Former-Member, this thread is so long and you have many people caring about you. 😌 (It took me a long time to read this thread 😜😜 but hey ive got lots of time)

lisajane, to hold down a damanding job (especially with kids), going through a court case and be a mum to two kids, is A LOT for any average person to cope, let alone for people like us who may have an existing makeup.

Im taking a wild guess here, you also come across as someone who is conscientious, have a high standard from oneself, strive to be strong for others (kids), always examine oneself for reasons first, have high moral standard... (who else is there on this forum the same??)

Now, with A LOT on the plate, plus your personality (altruism) is a receipt for disaster. Coz if you break, you break hard!!! And of course your kids need you and you need the job to fight the court case.

So, something's gotta give. In order of importance 1) the court case (I'd say, but it can be your kids which is the court case).... 2) be good mum to your kids (you are already doing that)... 3) aha, job.... so, your job, a) are any of your managers know what you are going through court case, even an acquaintance of mine who is an Executive has workload and time concession when he goes through a divorce!!!! b) you can't have there three things even on a good day work, Timeliness - Cost - Quality...... which one are you going to go easy? With high standard people, usually quality can be relax a little, that extra 1-2 hours that we someone spent on being perfect, sometimes it's not gonna be noticed even, think about this... how about Timeliness? Can it be pushed back? Also any 'extra' requests from peers and parents is a NO! NO, ok?

Alright, that's the easy part!! The hard part!!! The court case.....

lisajane, please correct me if I'm wrong..... it sounds like, your ex..... is an extremely difficult person to deal with (understatement as I don't wanna offend).... I have a friend who became 'crazy' due to the fight in court and sequentially lost her children to her ex..... but I don't know whether this is similar but I know you are having anxiety that this might happen. My friend's ex also use the 'mentally unstable card'

So I'm going to tell you my opinion, you are absolutely entitled to be angry, channel that anger to 'win your case' or whatever it takes for the best of your children and you too.

From my experience even though I got no kids, people like us are always too altruistic, always so insightful, always so understanding, always so nice to EVERBODY and then we have absolutely no insights when we forgot 'Where is ME in everybody?'.......

You also need to remember, not everybody plays nice, not everybody plays fair..... and I don't have any answer with playing with sociopathic tendencies (those who are born with little or no empathy or choose to be this way)....otherwise I won't be in my situation over and over again 😖😖

if you really want to be strong for your kids, channel your anger - for your kids and your sake ❤️❤️❤️

@Former-Member Glad you connect with your support worker.

Sounds like mindfulness would be useful during these times of brain wandering off ahead - which it sounds like you're doing. I hope you can find a less exhausting way of doing that.

Hope you get some rest tonight!

lol @utopia i like the i know nothing phrase.. it probably suits me a little too well if i extend its meaning out from its purpose here.

@Pokemongirl thank you so much for your reply, for taking the time and interest to be so kind and thoughtful. I am so exhausted tonight i dont think i can reply as well i should.

@NikNik i hope so!

today was fairly awful. no other way to describe it. and ended iwth a trip to the er with my lil guy (he was fine! didnt even end up needing to see a dr...) BUT just one more thing on top of a day like today, and im so tired its just blown up in my head to a monster of a day. trying to pull back on those thoughts that are unhelpful, but feeling so exhausted its hard not to. should try and sleep but know that there are the sleep 'demons' nightmares/flashbacks wiating for me there too. so... think ill just curl up here for a bit and hide away with my blanket and pretend the real world doesnt exist for a bit anyway.

lj

Hi @Former-Member

Im so sorry to hear of your terrible stressful day. I was just wondering if you've tried different medications to help with the sleep and sleep demons. I've just tried a medication that has helped a great deal, it's not a ben-zo. I'm not sure if I'll be able to get another script or not but it's helped just sleep, no dreams. They gave me it in hospital. Just a thought as it's soooooo hard to work on all the thoughts when there are so many stresses and you are soooooo sleep deprived. I hope tomorrow is better💜🤗

thanks @Former-Member

yeah, i need to get on top of the sleep. its what makes everything else worse. i'm gald that you've got something to help... and that is working. i wish i could sleep with no dreams. that would be ... just ... i dont know the right word but it would be amazing.

lj

@Former-Member Sleep was highlighted in hospital as one of the main contributors to my downfall. No reserves to help deal with things, no brain power. I know you fear sleep (which I don't experience) but I can totally understand why you do. It just dawned on me that if you could get sleep without dreams a few nights a week you would feel like a different person. I was a bit slow to get going today after taking it last night but I was much calmer and worked through everything so much better. I'm only planning on taking it the night before TAFE and I think I need to take it earlier. Anyway just a thought you may want to discuss with your psych. Sweet dreams tonight 😴🌜⭐️

hi @Former-Member

i tried a medication that was an anitpsychotic that was given to me for sleep, but it made me too drowsy and sort of foggy think properly enough to work. no matter what time i took it at night... but it did help me get some sleep. occassionally i take it on the weekend still. but the fact i was also used against me in court when i gave evidence/testimony aginst my ex...over and over again where the lawyer would say 'did your psychiatrist prescribe you .... an antipsychotic? yes... and then he would read out the product description of the medication and what its 'main' uses were. they did that at the start of each session (not once did i get to say that it was prescribed for sleep.. off label and i couldnt even get it on pbs.. until the very end of the court thing when the prosecutor got his turn to finish things up with me again. it made me feel so awful. and i cant even think of this medication without remember all of that. just over and over.. (the prosecutor siad it showed how weak their defence was etc that they had to focus on stuff outside of the facts of the case to try and make me look bad... but it just burned ... i dont know soem sort of shame or fear into me about it)