Floating

Hi @toodles

Not sure what to say, but I hope you are ok? "floating" Sounds nice, but given you mention being overwhelmed, that Doesn't sound so good...

Guessing it is a coping mechanism and might have some purpose. @toodles I have been a bit of floater, as it was the best to deal with all the chaos and change in my life, but these days I can ground myself regularly.

Do what you need to do ... to get thru ...

Hi @StuF and @Appleblossom

Floating is beautiful for me. I float and everyone and everything goes so far away and doesn’t touch me. I don’t feel the world then. I like floating.
But when I’m floating I want to stay there and not come back to this world and I don’t feel. It’s easy in my head to pack up and go. I don’t like living with myself. When I float it can get dangerous when I want to let go. I find it really hard to have to ground myself then. It feel like defeat, having to do something I don’t want to do. It’s hard to keep here when floating takes away the feelings. I’m not high or on drugs, floating is the freeing. But I have to stop floating.

Hi @toodles

Thanks for explaining floating. I can certainly see the attraction, short term at least.

But I also think it's great you recognise the downsides.

Have you found any grounding practises more effective than others (and less likely to feel like "defeat")?

Hi @StuF Happy Easter!

I can’t say there are lovely grounding activities that work and make me ‘unfloat’ it’s a constant battle between all the different toodles in my head and things I’ve learnt and agreed to. I do them like I would have done jobs at work, I don’t like them or hate them but have to do them. I was told that my full time job now is to stay alive. So I try and do that. Autopilot. Sometimes I have a good landing, sometimes I crash. I can watch what I’m doing, which is really weird, like a bystander that can’t move or talk. I can see that now. Most of my life I didn’t know that my super power was to completely remove ourselves from the world and still having someone here to function. I often wonder how people can just be here. Are you always here?

Hi @toodles

Happy Easter to you too!

As for your final question about always being here...I have had periods, long ago now, where I would describe what I was going through as being absent (amongst other things), yes. But that was only at acute times, so I can't say I really understand what you are going through.

One thing I would like to add though is that you seem very self aware and eloquent about your life experience. Which I don't know if that helps you or not? I imagine it would help some of the time at least...?

It's a shame grounding feels like "work". I mean, it's not easy for most people, but it sounds like you've had a deal of experience and not found improvement in the practise

Hi @StuF

I'm glad it changed for you. Was it a gradual or a sudden change? What is your best / favourite way to ground yourself nowadays? Do you have hobbies?

I’ve learnt a lot in the past. I’ve learnt more about the individual stories of ourselves. It is helpful as I can sometimes notice myself or with the help of professionals. I mainly recognise toodles. Toodles is angry and self destructive. Most of my life I denied Ciao existed and me (or toodles?) make Ciao disappear- which is good, I don’t like Ciao. Just thinking about Ciao makes me disgusted with ourselves. I guess Ciao is there all the time because Ciao is the oldest. Anyway, I’ve got better understanding monitoring even if I often don’t understand what I’m monitoring or why. I’ve been threatened and am scared of being left if Toodles comes out self destructive again or Ciao makes me regress. I don’t know if that is just me shifting the blame. I’m not worried about being dead, I just don’t want to be here alone. It gets a bit complicated and confusing when I try to explain what goes on in my head, so I’ll just leave it here, we’re not loving to ourselves.

I’ve had enormous changes in my personal life and routine lately and before the bushfires, covid, floods and now the war in the Ukraine have a big impact on my mental illness. After several suicide attempts in the last few years (yep Toodles says I can’t even get that right) I don’t really want to have to explain to psychiatrists anymore why death is a feasible option for us so I’ve been trying to take more responsibility, education helps. Being locked up and deprived of freedom is worse than the duty of staying alive.

I like peaceful nature.

Evening @toodles,

My name is Rhye and I'm a Peer Support Worker here in the forums. I don't believe we've chatted before, so it's nice to meet you 😊

It sounds like you've been experiencing the impact of many big life events, and it's understandable that change can have an impact on our mental health as a result. I'm truly sorry to hear that things have been tough and that you're at a point where explaining things to a health professional doesn't feel feasible.

I'm wondering whether you have any professional supports in place at the moment though, and whether you feel like you're able to keep the parts of your self that are more self destructive in nature (as you've conveyed) in check?

Rhye ☘️

Hey @toodles

I must apologise, I want to give your reply the response it deserves. Unfortunately the cold I've had the last few days is kicking in again. I'll be fine, but I don't believe I can give you a good answer tonight. I will check in with you tomorrow.

I'm very happy to see @Former-Member has entered the conversation.

Have a good night. I will catch you tomorrow

I like peaceful nature too @toodles and these days I can get to it often. ... Trees, bush, mountains and water. I have decided to get to water more often even weekly. Its great for clearing the head. I know nature has her less peaceful sides, but its kind of like the floating. All in the balance. I said to a few people today that I was floating and it was blissful, but a couple of times my attention lapsed. No big drama. I think with inner parts and extremes, the healing comes from getting communication to happen. Being aware of oneself, in a Self 1 Self 2 kind of way can be a positive, for creativity, self awareness and self control. It sounds as if you have a few people you are working with .. within and with others.

Its a difficult journey to come back and find a way to accept life and be in it. It takes courage.

Take care

Apple