Lonely

Tbh @Sambo It sounds like she has so many problems she should be seeking help. All high chaos and very irresponsible. She is lucky she has any custody if that is her style. Sorry to be harsh ... but ... She must be a hotty, knows it and playing it ... not really mothering qualities..... do you really really want that ...

Once children are part of a relationship there will always be some connection and ongoing contact and your parenting is important.

You are a separate person to her. Establish a workable home base. A boundary could be businesslike handovers.

I lost my dad young and really try and encourage men to hang on and get it together for their kids. Not in a Hollywood way ... just in the way they genuinely are and what you can offer that is good for kids. Cos sorry to be blunt, no dad, is a tuff gig.

Get to know people on here, there are different guys of different ages and parenting status etc

... but a good bunch.

She should seek help @Appleblossom

I should probably too. She is chaotic.. wild and free I guess, but she should be a little more responsible for the kids.
I know deep down that a relationship between us shouldn’t ever happen again. I know she has qualities that I wouldn’t want in a partner.
Honestly I think so much of it is just jealousy.

I just can’t stop thinking about her.
I think I’m a good example for the kids. I could have made some better choices, and I know that when my mental health declines my kids inevitably suffer.

I’m so sorry to hear about your loss early in life. I can’t imagine how it must have been growing up.
My children mean the world to me. I know I need to get myself together for their sake and mine.

@Sambo

When we are young and hope attraction equals real love, and a joyous family, "the love object" can be very compelling, but part of the maturation process, is to distinguish spousal and parental relationships. It is gradual and context specific. Your circs, your life and your kids. You do not have to perfect for them and they do not have to be perfect for you. Good enough is fine.

Jealousy is a funny one, and can confuse the situation, but I prefer "attachment" concepts. It is natural if you have to establish separation that longing and yearning remain. If there is jealousy there will be anger, but that can also help establish a firm boundary ... a not going there again ... a bottom line ... nah nah ... had enough ... kind of thing ...

I can see what you’re talking about there @Appleblossom

At first thought it seems alien to me that love mightn’t be the most important factor, but it should be starkly clear that there are so many other factors to consider.
The more I look at my feelings the more I realise that jealousy is my main issue. And I see so often that the pain from jealousy turns into anger.
I feel incredibly childish to admit that I’m jealous.

Like you said too, the anger can make it easier to cope. I feel that very often.
she has had issues with her current boyfriend probably 3 times. Each time she did she sought comfort in me. Inevitably though, she ends up back there.
I need to be more assertive.
Im the one that’s allowing myself to get hurt repeatedly. It’s no doubt a natural response for her to reach out to something familiar when she’s hurting. If I set clearer boundaries and didn’t engage it would probably be less painful for both of us.
I really do feel out of sorts at the moment and I see my thoughts and emotions are all over the place.
I really appreciate how supportive you are and how kind everyone here is ☺️

Wishing the best with it. Not saying I knew what to do when I was younger, and repeatedly opened myself to being used and abused, but there is a lot more information available to everyone, and eventually I had time to chew on stuff.

@Sambo

Small steps

Take Care

Apple

Hi @Sambo

Just a few words from the mum of a son that is going through a similar situation, I know all families are different and my thoughts may not been the same with your family, but for me watching my sons emotional ups & downs I (as well as his brothers) all want to be there as much as possible for him.
He’s slowly after a long time opening up to us, and I know that all I can do is listen without judgement, he’s not necessarily looking for advice, but just wants to vent. This process for him often lets him figure things out himself & as you have commented you have realised you shouldn’t be together, but there are jealousy issues, this seems to be the same for you.

maybe when you talk to your sister again, just explain your not necessarily looking for “advice” just someone to talk to.

Good on you for reaching out, I know it can be hard making that first step. I found through this forum there are plenty of people willing to help and happy to listen.

@Sambo

You asked me directly about how to know about which boundaries need work. I am not good at boundaries, as mine were violated a lot, so for me its a massive learning. I think bottom line it is a bit of a fuzzy concept, and so its really about figuring out your own values ... and going from their. Some people can be too rigid and defensive and cause a lot of problems with their boundaries ... so its not always applicable ...

Hope your kids are alright.

Take Care

Thank you @Ellie4

My mum lives too far away from me to physically help, but I’m sure she would want to be there for me emotionally.

I think I avoid telling her the truth because I’m embarrassed. The advice that I keep refusing to listen to is to stop being so passive towards my ex.
she advises, I ignore, I get hurt.. I can’t imagine how frustrating it is for her to see me make the same mistake over and over.

Even since receiving support from these online forums I tried to let her stay with me while she was looking for a place. Since she’d broken up with her new partner she didn’t really have anywhere suitable to stay. She’s gone again now.
I don’t even know which of us are more in the wrong this time. She was clear about not wanting to be with me and I knew that when I invited her. Yesterday though, she wanted to borrow my car to see him for sex. I know it’s not my place to care now, but the thought just drove me crazy.
I hate what her new partner has done to her, but I don’t know if that is even a contributing factor. Or whether it’s all just blanket jealousy.

My thoughts are everywhere.
I feel like I’m going ‘round the twist…

@Appleblossom

As you can see from above, I failed to set my own boundaries and have caused myself, and her, pain.
I know it’s pointless to regret, but I hope I stop making this mistake soon.
thank you all 🙂🙏

@Sambo

Judgments re right and wrong are often confusing factors in intimate partner scenarios. Maybe its better to look at them coolly and analytically whenever you get the headspace.

Jealousy maybe tied up with longing or yearning and hope which is natural ... for us all to want an opposite sex partner. Almost like your jealousy did a good thing ... and raised the red flag ... nah thats not on ... step too far.

it seems like some natural boundaries are gradually becoming clear to you.

I had to work through a lot of things like pity and charity and being a good mate and just helping out etc ...sometimes we have to live through it to know ....

I like that @Appleblossom

it would be comforting (and wrong) if I could discount all of my jealousy as internal boundaries.

I know not to do anything like that, but at least in this case, it may be an indicator of which things I’m willing to accept and which things I’m not.
It seems strange that I don’t really know my own preferences. I haven’t made a decision for myself in such a long time. I’ve been aware of my lack of opinions for a while.
There’s absolutely an essence of yearning and an unrealistic hope. She’s also very jealous, but since she’s the one that doesn’t want the relationship I don’t understand.
Maybe this is all part of the healing and discovering. To be broken down, to doubt everything, to hurt and cry and wish to be elsewhere. Maybe these are the things I have to go through to develop my own individuality