Trying makes it worse

Hope things not too bad for you @EternalFlower just gone to bed here

We were fine @EternalFlower Undercover. Yes it was fun.

Looked up that peer wkr. Interesting!

Got my pdoc today and a visit to a farm, not a funny farm. That just popped into my head cos I heard that a lot. OMG When I grew up there were so many putdowns for issues around madness and not a lot of compassion. I love that there are farms in my area.

Hi @Appleblossom

Things around mh were so skewed. Like the worst thing ever was to go to a mh psych ward and names like that etc

Today I think it's normal and almost non meaningful to me that ppl are hospitalised sometimes for mh...so much easier to talk about

Funny farm...what a phrase!!

how was the non funny farm farm?

What did u guys see?

I've been mulling a bit on everything, bit serious...and watching American horror story which is too scary but one way I distract....

Great older actresses like Jessica Lange and Kathy Bates.

My apartment is getting really messy and it's making me feel so bad about myself atm. I remember u saying u were getting housework done! It's a struggle here with that...need to be more like u and have order.

Thanks @TAB

How are you going?

Dont imagine I am a clean freak @EternalFlower

I believe in approximately clean and tidy ... and there can be a lot of grey area in that! I am often outside so traipse in dust and stuff but no point getting uptight about it. I have constant pain. There were about 5 years when my mh was at a low, I barely touched a thing on my bedroom dresser and let books, papers and clothes pile up. Has having a teenage tantie, my stuff and I will have a mess if I want! I do NOT do dishes everyday, I believe its a waste of water and woman power. I keep things at a doable level or 'order'. I do not let things get too out of hand, and sometimes do a swish through clean up that is more effort effective than stressing all the time about how things look, but many might look down their nose at me and my house. Recently I was told by a visitor that I lived in a mess, but she was someone who had never had children, a job or studied after leaving her father's home, and cooking and cleaning were her sole achievements. I have never wanted to be like that, now I just think she is small minded and rude.

This new friend is more similar and very creative. She has piles of her interesting artsy stuff.

Find your own way. Dont be too quick judge or label what is. When stuff bugs you deal with it. For me I had to find reasons for living and be project oriented rather than houseproud.

@EternalFlower

I put it off and went to the non funny farm today instead. The 15 min drive out through all the farms was lovely. Gets me out of the burbs feeling. Sun was shining.

It was better, not to cram too much in my day as I had a really good session with my shrink yesterday. He was generous with time and he listened and I felt heard, about 'what' was going well, and 'what' were still challenges. I do not mind if other times he is quicker.

Hey @EternalFlower

How are you?

What's been going on?

The last cpl of weeks have been big for me. I have been making huge efforts to support myself better. So many roadblocks. I felt closer to my breaking point than i have in a long time.

"Trying makes it worse", about sums it up.

I also felt like life threw in a cpl of brick walls, that i wasn't expecting. It was like confirmation, 'Yep, you're in the icky dimension."

I knew it was all coming.

It was the crow.

It came &knocked loudly on my kitchen window last week.

They are not to be feared.

They bring the message of change and transformation. The work is heavy & messy. They also remind us how immovable our core is when fighting for ourselves. I wouldn't want to mess with a Crow.

Society tells us, that ugly equals weak. That big fat filthy black ugly crow, was, unequivocal power, beauty, intelligence.....and voice!

You Go Crow!

The last cpl days are returning to calmer pace. Technically, I didnt get the results I was aiming for in my D&G battle. I will keep pushing, and see whats possible. I can see progress, in that, the people around me have greater awareness of my needs as a carer. Sometimes, ppl assure you that your views are important. They forget to tell you - As long as you dont express them.

The really big bit is over now. I'm not where I was intending. This place here, is really cool too!

The house got really messy again. I was able to attend to the stack of dishes today. - Not all of them, of course!

I wanted to say hi & touch base. I'm always proud of you. You remind me a lot of my friend. He might not always seem on top of things. His efforts, in his struggles, that nobody else sees, are rare & inspiring.

When i see how brave you are, by sharing parts of your story, it makes me feel stronger. By you, being you - my mental health is richer. Additonally, you have enabled me to identify, or put a name to things in my past, that previously, I didn't have names for.

I won't always (if ever) get it, in the way others do. Thanks for sharing, & being patient with me. This must be really hard. Thankyou ❤️

I loved your 'non-funny farm' comment. I LOL'ed!!

I'm scheduling a digital detox for myself. I wont be around next week. My return is yet TBD. I want to check in with you.

Hi @Appleblossom love that about the farm.

And I'm pretty stoked to read and hear about Ur shrink and the positive rapport.

My internet has started playing up and every time I've come to write it disconnects again

It's been so frustrating.

Here, though, just not writing.

My neighbour is singing scales really loudly and it's a lot. In these older apartments like where I live u hear everything. It can be a bit awkward.

Good you are still here. intermittent internet is frustrating. ooh no @EternalFlower lol ... loud man scales .. probably a tenor if it is really penetrating. I lived in plenty high density housing growing up. here we are semi low/high density. Enough space for my son's night music making not to be a problem for anyone but me occasionally. Thats life.

When I was a kid, my brother showed me the glass panes rattling in our flat when our well respected singer soprano aunt visited. They only visited once to check out the poor rellies. I did not particularly like opera then, and only like it in small doses in context.