Trying makes it worse

Thank u so much @Eve7 @tyme

It is not healthy for me I agree.

I asked for 7 months of records to keep on some dodgy, dehumanising, and legally inappropriate stuff my previous CM did.

The hospital said the notes aren't chronological, but in all diff places, like according to type not date. Eg all phone calls together, all cm sessions together, all admissions together.

So they gave me it all for 3 years.

It's very addictive reading it and very upsetting.

I think I want to stop and not look at it.

I have seen what I need, which was that the CM did in fact not take notes and wrote some not true stuff, which I may formally complain about. I wanted to know tomprotect myself.

I find the notes obsessive about my weight and clothes and use not respectful language. It is all about my own deficits.

I respect Ur decisions not to read urs. I don't know why I kept reading.

@Eve7 I totally understand znd it must have been so traumatic what u went through and so wrong. It is brave u are still working with a new pdoc, I'm sure they accept u and see beyond the stuff that others have written.

@tyme thank u so much. I did not know if I would read it. I didn't have a plan. In a way we shouldn't really but on the other hand I feel like I wish I'd known to be careful what I say to mh professionals.

one thing I felt quite happy about, when I asked to change cm, their head psychiatrist wrote my request was reasonable and the cm behaved inappropriately. All that horrible stuff written it stood out that one professional officially supported me.

Thank u @tyme

That really resonated.

@EternalFlower Sorry to hear your going through a rough time atm.

I have the same issues with therapist. They give me 3 sessions and say that I should be all fixed and they can't help. A recent one I saw ask me how I could help him........

I know it might sound hypocritical but keep your chin up love. There is lots of support out there and I personally have found the people on here helpful and supportive.

Reading files can be retraumatising @EternalFlower Give yourself plenty of time and gentle self care in order to process it all.

I did a lot of file reading, as I asked for childhood files and those of people in my family, in order to understand what happened better. I know it can be important to read and understand if that is what you want. Remember they are just flawed human beings writing stuff from their own perspective. Good that the head pdoc stood up for you re cm.

When you are ready to put it behind you at least you are being mindful and aware.

Gently Bently for a while . .. til you are able to plunge back into life.

Apple

Hey @EternalFlower ,

Did you manage to get some sleep?

tyme

Hi @tyme

Good morning.

I haven't been sleeping too well and it's bit tiring.

I'm going to see a dr today I've been a bit sick and drained

Thanks for asking.

Thanks that's very good advice @Freedom11

Thanks @Appleblossom I like that perspective and it reminds me not to obsess, just one person's opinion, so true,

I've got a bit sick ATM, a cough and feeling bleergh.

I seem to get colds a bit during winter. Trying to stay warm and be cosy.

I have cleaned and decluttered my space, which I'm proud of.

I think the notes were upsetting, from what I've read it's such a deficit language.

How was the concert @Appleblossom

Hope ur OK @TAB @maddison

Take good care

@EternalFlower

No good about feeling blergh! I am more into layers or clothing than heating as it seems to be better for my health as well as the environmental and cutting costs side

Re reading official files: I dont want to minimise the power differentials and potential impacts on people's lives, that file notes can exhibit or make. Thinking about getting another file for myself ... grist for the mill ...

The concert was good. Lovely to be making a friend and it was easy and close to home which helps. Seen her again since. We seem to click.

GREAT you decluttered. You inspired me to tidy up more for a visitor on Sunday and am happy to keep enjoying the results.

Cheers

Apple

Hi @Appleblossom so happy u feel in sync with new friend. I would feel really glad to click with someone easily, best feeling.

Therr is a huge power differential between clinician and patient.

To be honest, some of the more difficult parts of my notes were from the clinical psychologist and interim clinical psych i saw. They blamed me a lot for not engaging in their suggestions. It seemed to them I was being difficult etc. I think I just didn't know yet how to politely but firmly get out of a treatment I didn't want.

I am glad I read it though and gave me some good reminders. Therr were some nice memories and good rapport established as well.

I can't say how much better I feel with decluttering. I'm happy u are also a fan of it!! It's made me feel like I could move tomorrow, I could pack in a day!

I also loved giving stuff away. It is nice to know that someone else can make use. Hope Ur good and gently going x

@EternalFlower

I said i did a little decluttering, which is a LONG WAY from being a FAN of it. ha ha.

Good to hear from you, and read your insights. Your insights are valuable for your therapy. Hmmm curious about getting all the files. I was actually upset once when a nice psychologist said in a report that she had given me lots of tools for life, and I told her she had not given me anything. Then she gave me a token 3 page handout about communication. There is a need to keep them honest.

Also hearing you about good moments and rapport. They can be a huge help.