Trying makes it worse

hi @Appleblossom admire your reflection and understanding while feeling sad for the fear we have in these judgemental systems, and how many chances we have to give people who hurt us.

I have a diagnosis of complex trauma, but have been s---dal for a year so i have been to the ED like 20 times.

In those 20 times, the ED staff have decided I have BPD, PPD, OCPD and AVPD. All of these four diagnoses, even though I've never seen a psychiatrist in the ED, and was officially diagnosed by Spectrum, my own psychiatrist, and through legnthy testing as having CPTSD.

It doesn't matter.

They dont' even write "borderline patient" or "woman with BPD" "or BPD presentation" - they just write "BPD in crises." I'm not even a person anymore.

I have put in a complaint about this and asked them for evidence i have this diagoses, as no doctor has ever given it to me. Once I have that diagnoses, they are extreemly mean to me. I made a joke that the clinician was my "favourite" and he said i was overly familiar. It was a joke and it was only a lighthearted comment because I recognised him in the hospital and I didn't recognise anyone else and had all new staff. Anything can be interpreted as illness through their lens.

Oh @EternalFlower it has been a terribly difficult year.

I struggle with SI a lot, Eg last night. Tbh, because they stuffed up so badly with my siblings, I don’t really trust the services with my Suicidality. I have my coping mechanisms. I have called crisis line once, called CATT about 3-4 times in 20 years, and presented to an ED once. I trust the forum more, but I am pretty cagey about it, as I also have seen a hostile controlling ex family member call welfare checks on 2 young male family members, (my son and nephew) as a form of dominance.

I just wish a person would emerge who would be a good fit for you. I was in a worse position 18 months ago, but a good support worker has helped me turn things around. Sorry, all I can do is keep my fingers crossed.

Hi @Appleblossom I personally believe its helpful to get the notes via foi.

Sometimes I've thought a clinician was trustworthy and seen via notes that they're quite manipulative and also vice versa. It shows me who's really helping and trying vs those just stringing me along or using stigmatising or judgemental attitudes

I agree @EternalFlower

my son has a therapist who would ask us to approve his notes and correct them if he got anything wrong. There is a very broad range of practice in the field. So broad, that I query professional objectivity. They should all be doing that.

my last consultant psychiatrist in public mental helath used to ask me to look over her notes as she wrote them

she had nothing to hide

she was blunt at times and not careful with her language but she said to your face what she thought rather than hide behind the smokescreen of the clinical notes

I once had a psychologsist write that I smelled bad and they often comment on my physical size which is gross. I had an eating disorder and am sometimes thin and sometimes chubby. Not their business.

Hi @EternalFlower @Appleblossom

I read through this yesterday and thought about your situation @EternalFlower

I realise a lot of time has passed and hopefully things are better

I will let you know that I am probably not what the medical profession thinks of as a "good patient" - at this stage of my life it's been during my time in general hospitals - private ones - and seeing as I am paying for all of it I have the right to insist on the best treatment possible and with my phone I can educates myself

And I know how hard this can be - and how rotten we can feel

I'm sorry you had to go through all of that - after all - whether we are in hospital for medical or mental health issues we are not well - definitely not at our best. And it seems to me that there is often someone on the staff who for what ever reason rubs us up the wrong way - and yes - we can complain - we have the legal right

Back in the 80s - before you were born - I spent some time in a public psyche unit stressed out about my mentally ill son - it was rough and tough but I refused to comply. Looking back through 4 decades and knowing what I do now I am proud of myself

I do wish you the best - stick up for yourself and remember - the first contraindication is patient refusal - you legally have that right

My love and all the best

@Appleblossom - great to see you - the weather in this part of the world has been less than perfect - mm - I hope you are the best you can be

Owlunar

Gentle Hugs @Owlunar2 always good to hear from you. We have both seen a lot over the years. My late in life learning is… how to stick up for myself and for what is right. Yes, it can definitely be worth researching various standards.

@EternalFlower hearing you about… how clinicians can have a very limited lens or mindset.

The sane website was playing up with not allowing us to support or like, and I got distracted. I wasn’t tagged in your last post. I Have been busy. I hope you are alright. I like Owlunar’s phrase, the best you can be…

this link helped me lighten the load and laugh a little, about flipping the script sometimes..

https://deargp.home.blog/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/dear-gp-final.pdf

cooee… hope you all keep keeping on.

@tyme @Jynx

TY for the tag @Appleblossom 😊

That pdf is BRILLIANT, thank you for that - I will comb over the full thing later but what I did see already gave me a wry chuckle so I look forward to reading the rest! Reminds me a little of 'allistics as described by autistic folks', I can't find it now but it was like, 'makes way too much eye contact, sits eerily still, doesn't say things how they're meant but relies on subtext' etc 😂

Hi @Owlunar2 haven't chatted to you in forever!! How have you been going?

I totally agree too, about the power imbalances that can emerge in clinical note-taking. That's so crappy @EternalFlower especially when you're struggling with ED!

I do totally remember learning about 'case conceptualisation' at uni, and like I kinda get it, but mostly it brings me back to this same conclusion I keep finding myself at - humans are too complex for categorisation. And what is diagnosis but a kind of categorising?

If diagnosis was used JUST as a guide for understanding and treatment, like it's supposed to be, then maybe it wouldn't be so bad. But stigma and our current social context means that it can also be like getting slapped with a brand that then turns society's opinions of you into something entirely different. Not to mention the systemic barriers folks may suddenly find themself facing.

Anyway I'll stop my ranting there before I get all cranky and worked up but yeah it's intense how someone can write a letter about you (i.e. clinical notes) based on one interaction, and your whole life can change. I wish more folks took the approach you described @EternalFlower where it's that vibe of 'nothing about you without you.'

Hey there @EternalFlower @Owlunar2 , missing you both.

Hope you are as okay as you can be. Sorry to hear that things aren't the best.

hi @Jynx @Appleblossom @Owlunar2 @TAB

thank u for your input and prescence

i'm more or less alone here and i feel utterly gone

i don't think there is a way out for this, i feel like i will not make it, G-d forbid.

I don't feel excellent.

I only have my breath as proof that i'm alive but i feel utterly destroyed and useless as a human from the horrible experiences i've had in mental health services and from people who just used me up and spat me out