Trying makes it worse

Hello @EternalFlower

It's me!..... I'm not quite back. Will I ever be?

Are you home now?

I was thinking of you this morning as I made my tea. I was thinking how sad & alone I have been feeling (that is coming out wrong, u know me by now) - like everyday I wake up it's the same sadness. I recalled that you wrote in an earlier post about concerns of going home. It would be quiet & lonely - or similar. I guess in my mind I thought I'm not alone. People in the world feel sad & alone like I do. I thought I wonder how @EternalFlower is going? Is she sad returning home or is she finding her way? Or both? Then I thought, I will write to you. Let you know that if you are sad - you are not alone.

@Appleblossom you wrote a cpl days ago you felt quiet that particular night. I could resonate. A word that occurred to me now is withdrawn. I have been feeling withdrawn these last few weeks.

Been thinking about what do I want?

It's a tricky one.

There are tangible things like, good yummy food, peace & quiet, quality of life things, interesting tv, maybe a good friend or two that feels like home, creativity hobbies, walks

Then there are other things that are more about me & have nothing to do with other people or outside world. I want to have that experience of being engaged. I want to feel satisfaction, fulfillment calm. I want me..... Or maybe it's even that I want to want me?

I don't like being scared & sad. I don't want to have to use so much energy to fight to be.

Guess What?

Unicorns were real 🦄...maybe.

Elasmotherium

@EternalFlower Are you home? Are you alright?

I have a new/old couch delivery from the opshop today and then my psychiatrist.

The old couch has been cat scratched to the billyoh and is 20 years old. The "new" one has deep green, fabric, and good firm cushioning. $135 all up.

Hey @maddison

I used to be verbally quiet and mainly agreed with people. Not realising how fearful I was. One lady in therapy in my early 20s said I 'stunk of fear'. Not very nice (she was the secretary) but now I put my people pleasing in perspective, it was probably true. Whether I was the good girl or the good student or the helper, beneath a lot of it was trauma. That would have been a kinder observation. Consciously, I had adopted a "capable" face my fears approach and was not aware how obvious my pain really was.

Hearing you about wanting those things. Me too.

Feelings!

Feeling accepted does rely on outside input. I am finally accepting that acceptance of "me" may be beyond the scope of people in my environment. I have thought of moving elsewhere, but no point if I keep making social blunders. It is funny as I do have a lot of social skills but only if I leave out the trauma and my inner life, and making it all about the other person. Being accepted as a whole person is my current approach but also learning to have healthy fun. It did not seem to come naturally, or due to early childhood c**p was pushed down with all the bad feelings.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1XuhxNyhjmc

This guy has quirky body language but good ideas. What do you both think?

Just babbling and sharing @EternalFlower Speak to us. Tell us what is going on.

Really good video @Appleblossom wow, can't believe somebody actually said it.

I'm not convinced that feeling accepted relies on outside input -at all. I will accept your idea for consideration.

Actually, isn't that kind of the complete opposite to what the video talks about?

I love that you're thinking about what you want @maddison , both tangible and intangible. It's important to know what you do and don't want in life.

❤️

I am always more nuanced in my ideas and intentions regarding human relations than 'complete opposite' etc ... @maddison Yes we have to take responsibility for ourselves and our feelings but the being in a vacuum situation is probably best left to physics.

At some point however, we need to put the "social" back into "psychosocial". Yes it is complex. Cos thats the nature of the beast.

Also watching physics videos cos am a nerd.

Isn't he a lovely young fella ! I have been thinking this way since teens! lol Hilarious.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mmti4kKDcqA

Did physics and electronics early on. It is part of my resilience, but also part of my difference and caused separation from relating with many women who take a lot for granted. Not many women in STEM back then.

edited ... sorry if I got sidetracked.

@maddison I love the pic of the real unicorn ... took a while for it to get approved by mods. I always thought of rhinos ... when some peep went on about unicorns. I had some lovely moments with rhinos when I was at the zoo, especially watching a mother and son interaction. lol Maybe I am part rhino ...lol. Oh idealism.

I think the take away of parental fantasy vid for me is to use the actual term more in conversation. I also liked his discussions of therapy in general.

To unpack it a bit more. He does overuse the concept of "fail" in parenting. 24/7 for 20 years to raise the average child needs more respect than pass/fail mentality. He has not been a parent himself, and his own parents "succeeded" in giving him many things.

Nah .. never expected others to look after me, cos it was barely part of my experience at all ... but bullying and passive aggressiveness inside relationships is something else again.

He is making a point and tries to sell books and himself to earn money, but with people there are always nuances required ... we may be made of star dust but the complexity of how science play out in our bodies is still being explored.

I try to be polite and been determined about MH advocacy late in life. I have seen and I hope "helped" this forum grow in scope and effectiveness. It has been interesting to watch how SANE has morphed and changed. It has been 'work' too.

Hugs @EternalFlower Hope you are alright. I edited cos thread became momentarily more about me than you. Take Care

Apple

Hi @Appleblossom

Lots to think about. I agree about the nuances in things & nothing is absolute. We all have a path that ask of us different strengths. I think you have lived more life than me & respect your wisdom - even if I disagree, or yet to learn.

Excited for your new dark green fabric couch.

Thank you for your friendship @maddison and your respect and follow through. We do not need to agree on everything. Feeling that pressure often is bad for the authenticity of relationships. I believe it is theoretically wise to be proactive and take responsibility, but find it instructive to look at context... history, social, place etc.