Still safe, but it's hell here.

Hey there, everyone. Just feeling more than a little terror-struck at the moment and had to put my thoughts down as a record of my life unravelling.

I went to a local social place yesterday to see if I could break out of this slipstream and meet new people – the slipstream I mentioned recently of how, no matter how hard I try, and in how many places I try to start afresh, my life experiences, and the people I experienced them with, take up in new places every time I venture out. Different people playing the same roles.

It mainly started in my last family home where I had my 'parents' and 'ps-in-law' represented on either side. When I lived with the homeless, my 'father' and 'f-in-law' (same nationality too) were also residents and both gravitated towards me. They would both come and sit at my table for four at dinner. In fact, I got to know and understand my father through that man like I had never known my father in our actual relationship. He was so like my father, his personality with all of its flaws, yet he was really nice and good company. I could never relate to my father so this substitute was wonderful. Insightful.

I don't bring this about – it just happens. I am not trying to recreate my life and relationships. In fact, many of these relationships are to be avoided at all costs.

Recently in another setting, a number of past damaging interpersonal relationships re-presented and I couldn't break out of the repetition. Even a name of two particular people was the same. Yesterday I tried another, and my daughter who took out the IVO against me when I wrote to wish her a happy birthday was represented there, also even had the same name and exhibited the same misdirected lifestyle. The others were all different, but I'm going back next week to see if they have moved into different 'roles'. There were 4 of us and 3 exchanged mobile numbers but no-one asked for mine.

It's like I left my home state decades ago to get away from this dreadfully damaging system of relationships, yet it all just keeps following me around like unfinished business and it seems it won't stop until they take me 'out'.

The police officer who told me that all I had to do was write to the Magistrate's Court to tell them that I would comply with my daughter's IVO and it would be settled, was wrong. The hearing by Webex is in a couple of weeks and is wearing me down. I was very seriously affected by the hearing's approach, until I was informed that because it would take me 2 and a half hours to get there on public transport, it would be done by video which is a little less stressful. It feels like it may be the end of my upright life, that I am now tangled up with the law. I'm even wondering if they have been able to get my ex-psy to provide a false appraisal of me. It wouldn't surprise me in the least. Perhaps he set that up years ago. I will just have to wait and see. I know it will have a devastating affect on me even if I seem to shake it off. How could they do this to my daughter? They love these attention-seeking sordid goings-on. The centre of attention for them all again – and they are revelling in every minute of it.

I recently watched and was very concerned as @Powderfinger's life was going from bad to worse, and now it's happening to me.

And my ex-psy knows exactly what is going on in my life and how it is affecting me. It's like he is my puppet master. And he won't let me suicide because he just isn't finished with me yet.

And he told me, decades ago, that no-one will understand. So does anyone?

I have a strong feeling that they are after my money now and I am very scared. I've almost been stripped bare.