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TW: it feels like I'm drowning

creative_writerSenior Contributor06 Mar 2022, 3:27 pm AEDT

TW: it feels like I'm drowning

Hi everyone

I'm new here so I'm not sure what to say. I've just been struggling lately and coming out of a bad migraine attack. While I was really sick I found myself ruminating over past events, I suppose I had too much time to think. I know I can not change what has happened, but I still hold onto it. Migraine doesn't feel as bad anymore, but I'm left with all these overwhelming feelings of sadness and feeling of loss, anger and bitterness and I'm feeling very lonely. I find it hard to reach out to people, I feel like it's hard for people to comprehend what I'm going through. The pain of being misunderstood is too much, so I can really talk to very few people. I am also afraid that people won't want to talk about it, like I've tried talking about it with my parents a long time ago in a hush-hush way but they still felt uncomfortable. I am also afraid to burden people, I don't want to be that friend who is always stuck in their chaotic mind. I mean I live alone, have to fight things alone and I'll die alone. Sometimes it feels pointless, sometimes I wonder should I just let myself drown, I am just one person, what difference could I make, surely. I'm not intensely suicidal right now, but I am at the point I've considered it but don't intend to act on it.

Maybe it's all an overreaction, I don't know. But I know if I stay here too long I'll drown and get water into my lungs.

245 replies

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In response to: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

creative_writerSenior Contributor26 Mar 2022, 3:33 pm AEDT

Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

@Zoe7thank you for supporting me over the tough days. It makes a difference ❤️

Stuck in a fog today. Really exhausted, maybe it’s because I just submitted assignment yesterday and have had a lot going on. I don’t really have much to say. I don’t even feel alive or connected. Nothing feels real.

In response to: Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

creative_writerSenior Contributor28 Mar 2022, 4:00 pm AEDT

Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

Today’s been hard. But I don’t really have anything to say. It’s all trapped inside me. Experiencing depersonalisation and derealisation. Just feel so paralysed and alienated.

In response to: Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

Unknown userMember28 Mar 2022, 4:25 pm AEDT

Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

Hey @creative_writer

I'm @Former-Member & wanted to let you know I'm around right now & hearing how hard today has been.

When I find it hard to get words out - I will often use art materials to express those things I don’t have words for.

I just wondered if you have tried that for self-expression at all?

Not creating a “work of art” - but more using colours, symbols, lines, collage even - whatever comes up spontaneously to let out what might give voice to what is happening for you.

It’s not a nice feeling what you’ve described as paralysing and alienating - members here on the forums might be able to provide support for you around those experiences as many of us have had those types of feelings.

What do you feel you need or might help you right now with this?

In response to: Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

creative_writerSenior Contributor28 Mar 2022, 5:04 pm AEDT

Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

Hi @Former-Member. I could try drawing, probably won’t be good at it, but maybe it could help. I honestly don’t know what I need, it’s a strange space to be in. I think I’m beyond exhausted, I have a tute this evening then might call it an early night. I think I’m good as long as I don’t resort to my old unhelpful habits, and I feel very tempted. I need to feel alive.

In response to: Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

PaperdaisySenior Contributor28 Mar 2022, 5:19 pm AEDT

Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

Hi @creative_writer I've just popped online and wanted to check in. I think what @Former-Member has suggested is a really good idea. Might be worth a try if you feel you don't know what it is you need. What could you do instead of those old habits? Is there anything you have learned that is helpful as an alternative? Here with you tonight 💝

In response to: Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

creative_writerSenior Contributor28 Mar 2022, 6:12 pm AEDT

Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

@Paperdaisy I drew random scribbles, the ones you see small kids drawing. Honestly, sort of did things I probably shouldn't have but it doesn't compare to what I was like before. I mean, I have limited things I can use in my room to SH, unless if I sneak something into my room. I would have to go to the kitchen and make sure nobody catches me. But I realise once you start its hard to stop SH and it can progress to something worse. I have dinner and then I have a tute and will try to get an early night. Maybe the urges will go away when I wake up tom.

In response to: Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

PaperdaisySenior Contributor28 Mar 2022, 6:16 pm AEDT

Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

@creative_writer An early night is probably a good idea and good to hear you have something as a distraction tonight. I hope you can rest tonight and feel different in the morning 💝 Please take care.

In response to: Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

creative_writerSenior Contributor29 Mar 2022, 11:20 am AEDT

Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

@Paperdaisy I started feeling again last night. Right now I’m just feeling very trapped and lost. I feel very worthless. Sometimes I catch myself saying maybe my trauma wasn’t as bad as I made it out to be. Maybe I’m just saying that because I don’t want to accept it.

In response to: Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

Unknown userMember29 Mar 2022, 11:39 am AEDT

Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

Hi there @creative_writer - I’m around the forums this morning.

It’s really great you reached out considering you are starting to feel those emotions again.
I’m just wondering because yesterday, last night & now this morning has been rather similar, whether it would be useful to chat with someone more in depth about this & what is happening for you?

Have you got someone or a preferred helpline or professional you trust that you can reach out to about this?

Did you know we have the SANE Helpcenter available between 10am-10pm?

https://www.sane.org/counselling-support

Or I’m not sure if you’ve heard of or contacted the Blue Knot foundation before?
They have a helpline for people who have experienced complex trauma. This is their website https://blueknot.org.au/

Or you can call them on PH: 1300 657 380

What I know of & have experienced for myself is, trauma is a very complex thing. We have some resources amongst this topic Tuesday event, here if you might find that of benefit as well - specially around trauma & recovery.
https://saneforums.org/t5/Special-Events/Topic-Tuesday-Trauma-and-Recovery-Blue-Knot-Foundation-Tues-23rd/m-p/1008096/highlight/true#M10473

In response to: Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

creative_writerSenior Contributor29 Mar 2022, 12:15 pm AEDT

Re: TW: it feels like I'm drowning

@Former-Member I’ve tried lifeline and suicide callback service more recently. kidshelpline and headspace a few years when I was a bit younger. I think it really comes down to who I get. I’ve considered reaching out to Sane, don’t think I’m looked into Blueknot before. I could consider reaching out to someone. Maybe not straight away, just need some space right now. My psych said she will try to fit in a Telehealth appointment in April, but she is going to be out of Melbourne. I’m currently trying to get an appointment with a new psychiatrist. And I’ve sort of been distant from friends.

The event this Tuesday sounds good. But I have an evening zoom class 😭.

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