TW: it feels like I'm drowning

OMG @creative_writer how unprofessional and dismissive of your past psychiatrist - that is totally unacceptable. You should have charged her for you time! ...and to blame you for not working hard enough etc. shows just how inept she was. You are so right - you have to do the work in your own time and when you are ready ...and with someone you trust to do that work. I am so fortunate to have a team I trust and also have been able to voice what I need (and what I don't). They have pushed me a lot but also respected my needs and that makes for a very functional and effective therapy relationship.

I am so pleased that you now have a relationship with your psychologist that is positive - it makes such a difference. I also hear you about not being believed, understood and/or dismissed. Part of our trauma response is the guilt and blame associated with it and that leads to those negative views of ourselves as well as the idea that we won't be believed etc. ...but when we find that right person to speak to that weight on our shoulders lifts dramatically and that feeling is so freeing. It does take time to work through everything ...and there will be times that you feel you are making considerable progress and times when you feel you are falling backwards ...but you seem to be doing everything you can to help yourself and that is more than half of the battle.

I am very much like you too - takes me time to 'warm up' to someone but once that trust is there, little by little you can begin to say what you need and do the work you need. I am about to see a new psych in a couple of months but have talked to her on the phone and she instantly made me feel at ease - so that is big for me. My pdoc is finishing her private practice but will continue to see me every 3 months if I see a psych again. It is not necessarily for trauma therapy but more a check in to make sure I am doing okay. This new psych is one my pdoc works with and she sees as a good fit for me - and I trust her judgement as she knows me extremely well. I could not go back to my old psych - not because she was not amazing but because that therapy is not what I need right now.

@Zoe7 I’m glade you’ve found a good pdoc and psychologist. It’s really important to have supportive professionals 🙂 . It’s totally okay if you don’t want to do trauma therapy yet, it is something that needs to be done with caution. I think we are all at different phases in life. Sometimes all we need is support. Road of recovery is different for everyone, we all recover in different ways too. It took me a very long time to actually talk about trauma, it took me years. I was initially in treatment for a mood disorder, which was part of the story, just not the whole thing.

My last pdoc (who was amazing too, and respected my privacy, I never really told him about the trauma like I did with my psychologist) thought my psychologist was a good fit for me too. Unfortunately, my pdoc retiring so I’m going to have to find a new one. But I’m glade that I still have my psychologist, or it would’ve felt impossible. I think therapists often have to be patient with clients who’ve experienced trauma. It’s often hard to trust after trauma, it shakes your whole reality.

@creative_writer I won't be doing any trauma therapy in the future either - don't need to. I am at a place where I don't need it. The work with the new psych will be a general catch up and continuing to work on coping day to day. I have that pretty much under control at present but having someone to 'check in' with and to talk to if needed will be handy. We all need that outlet and support and I don't have that with family or friends so am comfortable with the arrangement my pdoc has worked out. It also means I can continue to see my pdoc despite her closing her private practice.

For me, now, I have put all the trauma in the past and want to leave it there. That has meant a lot of work though - both on myself and looking through that lens of my former 'me'. I know why I react to certain things, my own boundaries, ways to navigate different things (including triggers) and most importantly - reaching out for support when I need it. That does not mean I do not have down days (or periods of negativity) but I can very much say those have lessened across the last few years. I have come from a place where SI was there all the time (with several attempts) and although it does come up occasionally, it is now a thought when I am particularly down rather than something I would action. My default is no longer 'I don't want to be here' but rather 'how do I get through until this passes' - and that is a massive step forward.

This place (the forums and SANE support services) along with my wonderful GP, pdoc and my former psych have been instrumental in both keeping me alive and able to move forward. The main part of that has been trust - trusting there are people that actually care, trusting that I have support, trusting that people will listen, trusting that people are there because they want to be and have my best interests at heart. It matters ...so much ...as I have rarely had anyone like that I could trust (or would listen) ... so often those I trusted have hurt me - so for me trust is massive to have in anyone. I also have a great bunch of colleagues at work that are so supportive - something that has been distinctly lacking in former workplaces ...so life (on the whole) is pretty good and for the first time in my life I am not expecting it to all fall apart because that has been the pattern but embracing all that it brings. Right now I am not well physically - and that would have floored me a coupe of years ago - but I am taking each day as it comes, having tomorrow off work to hopefully regain some strength and not stressing about all the work I have not done because I can only do what I can under the present circumstances ...and that is okay. Tomorrow though I know I will feel the pressure a little more but I will navigate my way through it as it comes ...and hopefully in the process actually get some work done IF I am feeling better.

Sorry - that is a lot - but I also hope it is an insight into where we can get to when we are ready to do so.

@Zoe7i hope you feel better soon. Recovery tends to be a bumpy road. I think I have a long way to go before I can leave it behind. I’ve been coping with this trauma for most of my adult life. I used to internalise a lot of it before and blamed myself. But lately I feel I’ve fallen into victim mode, where I’m just like revenge seems like a good idea, but it’s not really a good idea, it’ll only make things worse so I stop myself. Internally I’m sarcastically thinking “thank you for ruining my life, taking my innocence and dignity”. I don’t even understand myself at times. I’ve never felt so bitter about anything before. I don’t even recognise myself anymore. The hate lingers and lingers. I know if I keep it in, it’ll burn me in the end. I’m already damaged enough, I don’t need to damage myself any further. Honestly I think I really need to distance from it all, it’s probably not helpful thinking about this half an hour before a uni class. I’m just exhausted, and I’ll be finishing later this evening.

Sorry that was really raw. I don’t think I’m thinking straight.

I so hear you about the stages you have gone through so far @creative_writer I too thought so much about revenge for a long time but all that was doing was hurting me - both in the thinking and if I actually did anything (which I never would have because that is not the person I am but it did test my own values for a long time). I also thought my life had been taken, ruined and there was nothing for me but that too was letting those that hurt me keep doing so. You may not be there yet but the freedom that comes from being able to let that all go allows us to actually win - those people no longer have a hold, control or rule our thinking and our lives - we are able to be ourselves without those constraints and to me that is a massive win. ...and despite what we have been through, despite the pain, the fear, the torture, the shame, the guilt, the loss of control ...here we are - functioning in a world that we never imagined we could be in (and at times did not want to be), getting up each day, working towards goals, accomplishing so much - so we are the winners because not only have we survived but we are showing the world our strength, our courage, our will and a hope for a better life, free of the constraints of the past.

@Zoe7 I realise it’s a toxic space to be and it’s only creating more pain. I definitely need to work on letting the past go. I go through cycles of intense emotions to feeling nothing. I don’t feel angry at this moment. But then I don’t really feel anything, I don’t feel alive or connected, I’m just a floating cloud. I think I just need sleep right now, being sleep deprived doesn’t help. Then I have so much work for uni to catch up on and a tute this afternoon through zoom and I haven’t even watched the lecture.

I hope you managed to watch the lecture and get to your tute yesterday @creative_writer

Those waves you talk about can be so confusing, frustrating and so hard to comprehend ...just when you start to feel a bit of progress you hit the bottom again or have a day where you just wonder if it will ever get better. ...but it really is okay to feel (or not feel) all that you are ...2 steps forward and one back is still progress 👍 We do get better at confronting those darker days and also seeing when they are coming. In those times we can put things in place to cope better ....or just know that it is a day when we cannot do anything but get through. It does make it harder when we have commitments but those days do what you can and treat yourself to whole bunch of self-care. It did take me a very long time to get to that point myself - and soooo much support to do so - so reach out to whoever you need to in those times to help 💖

Totally agree on both of your last 2 points @creative_writer I think we do self-care way better than self-compassion but they are interchangeable in so many respects. Like you, I am so far behind in my work but can only catch up in small steps. It is important to tell ourselves when we have had enough also and not overload our basket. It is harder with deadlines and having to have A B and C done before D but breaking it down into manageable steps over a realistic timeframe is my way to go. I also love lists - so tomorrow is plan and list day for the weekend and next week - and little by little hopefully catching up. I am a realist these days too - and can only get done what I can ...so prioritising the urgent, the needed to be done and what can wait is important. There are some things in between that help in that process - for me it is housework (and yes I know most people will say WHAAAT!!!!) but for me a clean house equals a clearer mind - and is also a distraction/circuit breaker when I need a break. Do you have a routine or set plan to get things done? Do you have your own 'circuit breakers' to allow yourself to have a break in both body and mind?

@Zoe7fun generally more productive if I wake up at a reasonable time and not spending so long in bed, because that way I feel I haven’t wasted the day. It’s gotten so bad lately, I’ve spent like up to an hour on my phone after waking up. I know it’s not a very healthy coping strategy. I think people naturally start developing habits to distract themselves from painful thoughts. I generally spend too much time on my phone and should cut down on it.