TW: it feels like I'm drowning

@Zoe7 thank you for supporting me, it means a lot to me. It is a very long road towards healing, healing hurt will take its time. I guess all we can do is try to be patient with ourselves. I touched base with my psychologist today too and we explored ways to express myself. I feel as though I do not adequately express myself, it all keeps building up until I explode.

That road can be very long @creative_writer but little by little and day by day any light we find is a step closer to more peace in our lives. Take each day as it comes, try not to put too much pressure on yourself to reach an end goal and know you will have both up and down days, times of immense emotions and also times where you feel defeated ...but - times also that you will see so much progress, so much insight and also so much to look forward to. The 'dealing with emotions' and 'expressing yourself' in a safe, productive and beneficial way will come - as with everything, it takes practice, support and a desire to change - all of which you seem to very much have - so you are halfway there 👍😁💖

@Zoe7 @I do feel a bit better. Feeling very exhausted. I do have some lingering sadness, but that’s probably because I feel a sense of loss. I know you can’t go backwards, you can’t be the same person you were before, that you can only create a new sense of self 🙂 ❤️

Loss is so hard to get around @creative_writer It certainly can linger for a long time and continue to affect us. The grief process is so different for everyone - whether that be losing someone else or losing part of ourselves but you ae right in that we then need to find a new sense of ourselves. That also takes time and a lot of hard work but understanding that is also the first step in finding that within ourselves. As with everything - it is a process - we cannot do that overnight but little by little we can move forward embedding that 'new' self into our own minds and way we live ...and in doing so we can feel a greater sense of self worth by being kind to ourselves, living more in the day and focussing on the good we have as opposed to what our 'normal' has been in letting the negative things rule our thinking. It is by no means easy nor a quick process but with support, care and our own developing insight, we can achieve better for ourselves. I certainly believe you can find that path as well and am more than happy to be a support here for you along the way 💖

Hi @creative_writer and welcome to the forums.

I am so sorry it’s tough for you and that you are alone. I often overthink my trauma during a migraine so I can relate to your experience.

It’s really hard when we feel there is no one who understands us so I want to assure you that there are plenty of us here willing to listen.

take care 💚

@creative_writer Sometimes it gets hard to talk to anyone when we feel we are burdening others or going over the same ground. When those we have relied on are busy when their own lives it also feels a little selfish to be constantly relying on them ...but you have us here now too so I hope that helps ease that loneliness a bit 😁

@Zoe7 Yes, I’m definitely afraid of burdening others. I don’t always want to be that sad and struggling friend. I think there is a fear of being needy. Sometimes you don’t have the luxury of finding multiple people, it’s very rare to find people I feel comfortable with. Even with therapist it’s hard. I’ve seen so many psychologists until I find the current one. It’s quite confronting having to deal face on with traumas, to be surrounded, to feel all these complex emotions. You realise in order to heal you need to feel not block. It puts you in a vulnerable position, and that’s scary.

My experience with dealing with trauma has been a little different @creative_writer I am in a place now where it is still there but I do not give it much time. My last psych put me through a lot but it got too much - being re-traumatised again and again nearly ended me so my team (GP, pdoc and psych) decided it was not the right road to go down. That was actually freeing for me as I began to work towards the here and now ...and in the process putting the past where it belonged - in the past. My current place is one where I acknowledge there are things that have shaped who I am but they do not define who I am ...and that is a major movement in my thinking and the way I see myself. That does not mean there are both up and down days (or periods of intense feelings and emotions) but recognising that that is part of life and tomorrow is another day often is the difference between swimming, floating or feeling I am drowning again. The last couple of years have thrown up some major challenges - I have had to deal with so many deaths and those feelings of loss and the accompanying grief have been debilitating at times but despite the inordinate amount of deaths I have been confronted with I have continued to get through. Part of that has been great support and also recognising when I need time out, when I have needed to just feel what I have been feeling and also reaching out to others to say I am not okay. There have also been periods of complete numbness as feeling those feelings would have been too much but knowing that is one of my coping mechanisms is okay too - we all cope differently and we all have to go through things in our own time. There is no right or wrong nor is there any timeframe you can put on these things ...and developing more knowledge about yourself, knowing yourself better, having greater insight into who you are, how You have developed and the influences that have contributed to that is a great step forward into dealing with all those things that have previously held us back. We may have been shaped by our experiences with trauma but that does not mean that we have to continue to live with it all every day ...I like to remember also that baby steps are still a step forward and eventually those small steps become larger leaps ...but we all have to take those leaps when we are ready.

@Zoe7working through it slowly is always the way to go. You have to be ready, you have to feel safe in the therapy environment. A good therapist is vital. I once had a psychiatrist who used to go on her phone during our sessions but I decided to leave her. She only made me feel worse about myself. You can’t blame your client for not making any progress, for not working hard enough, when you’re going on your phone during a therapy session. And apparently according to her I was withholding information and getting joy out of it. I just didn’t feel comfortable sharing more personal things with her, and whatever I shared, I didn’t feel heard. I think that may have explained part of my reluctancy to share things to a therapist afterwards. But I got there, I can share things with my psychologist. I’ve had this deep rooted fear of not being believed, not being understood, having my issues dismissed. I am already hurting, I don’t want to be hurt any further by discussing it with the wrong person. That’s why it takes me a while to warm up.