Just don't know how to save myself.

Having a good ear was always my problem, @Appleblossom. I tended to play the music by ear and so never gained the necessary expertise in reading music. I find it baffling, but that is because my music teacher was inept and convinced me I was.

Sadly there was a lot of bad or limited teaching @Historylover . I worked with either the tendency for ear to be better or the reading ... I never really had a stable enough situation to learn whether or not my ear was good or bad ... to just "know" what a tune or melody was never going to be enough for my social circumstances. Everyobody else's opinions on which music mattered always dominated, most of it I had never heard before so I had to nod and learn. No idea if my ear was good or not, nobody ever said anything good to me about it to give me a clue. Had been to eye and ear hospital for both organs before the abandonment so that was my luck! Though my first piano teacher said she knew I would get a good mark in an exam with a funny look, after she had spent 6 months being mean. I did not go back to her. Mostly my role was invisible. There was always lots of complexity so the complexity in music eventually became a saving grace. Sometimes I now feel safer with invisiblity. Much of my music is self taught or lessons/courses paid as an adult. My mother started it, but was really not good a teacher, overly invested in it for her own ego needs due to her own limits. She pushed me into a neck injury, I did not realise the danger of her compeitiveness, but it wa toxic and left me feeling moral disgust by the end of her life. Oh she was good at not revealing "secrets" and loved to impress socially. Not sure what she did to my sister, but probably similar I simply had to leave home young 16, she was draining money from me and treating me like dirt. My sister and I shared a Pachelbel moment in a psych ward. I would have been 21 she 17. I did not know that canon, being dragged around to bands by friends at work. Always having to learn more. My brain aches. Always having to fit in. Think we have touched on these issues before. Now I am needing to do A LOT of emotional work separating out social and psycholo

gical situations from music, social and personal feelings.

btw the recorder has a great ensemble repertoire many people do not even know about and is easy and not too loud for the neighbours.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GKGyEcHXyko

@Historylover

Recorders

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CeVt8rkVea4

Anyway theres a big variety

Hi @Historylover .

I don't know what to say.

Yet again, I am struck by the uncanny similarities between our backstories & currant plights, but yet again I have no solutions to offer, since I've never managed to un-riddle the problems from my own end.

The betrayals from family - both biological and social, in my case - rings especially true for me. And, much like yourself apparently, I can't even chalk it up to a learning experiance, as I's still at a loss for what they wanted from me, and why they would behave in the unconscionable ways that they did.

I just don't know.

I think the purpose of these forums is for the users to help one another. But how does that work when we're all just as confused about what's going on as one another?

I have been investigating some youtube videos about learning to read music @Appleblossom, how to set up a violin (I don't think I could do that to my neighbours) etc., and probably the best thing I could do to start is to re-learn how to read music. My music teacher really blunted my ability to learn anything musical, almost wiped it out, but at least I might be able to start with a clean slate. I'll see how things go. I started out so enthusiastically but then I realized the potential bad habits from self-teaching. They are always so difficult to unlearn, and lessons would have to be fortnightly with lots of home practice.

Anyway, I am so down at the moment, I am having to have to go to a GP tomorrow. I am very scared as I am getting in a bad way. That is inevitable when no-one in a position to help does so. They can all see what was done to me and just don't respond. It would be diagnosed as Depression, but it isn't that although I expect a course of anti-depressants would help. But it would all go away if my problems were alleviated bit by (big) bit and just kept getting better. I just have no reason to live. That's not Depression per se, but the reality of a situation I can't fix and no doctor seems to want to.

I put up with a family and marriage where everyone psychologically and emotionally abused and controlled me, then a psychiatrist, and although many of those folk are no longer alive or part of my life, I am now being abused by my ex-husband by proxy – through my daughters. There is no way to fix this situation and I just don't know what to do to prevent myself sinking further. There is simply no help.

I once asked my ex-psy why I should take medication to help me contend with the abuse I was enduring – so that I had the strength to take more of it? Why shouldn't others be forced to take behaviour-altering medication? I'm not doing this to myself.

Sorry @Appleblossom. I am just so frightened and alone and don't know what to do next.

P.S. Love Pachelbel.

I don't know what to say either, @chibam. I've said it time and time again that if there was a place for us all to meet socially, surely that would have an even more beneficial effect. How I'd revel in a round robin at each other's homes. The forum has helped me enormously but, over two years on, my situation continues to devolve. I just don't cry as much. I don't think I have it in me anymore. I just sit here craving company of visible, tangible, sincere people. There's nothing for me to do anymore. I've simply run out of ideas.

How do I trust people when there has never been anyone in my life I could trust? How badly burned do we need to be before we put up inpenetrable walls to prevent more. I am at a complete loss and it's becoming impossible to put one foot after the other.

If I sink so low I am hospitalized, my family will simply be able to say 'told you she was crazy', and no-one would ever look into my background (and theirs) to discover why I am dealing with such despair, disillusionment and everything else which comes with the destruction of our personality, hopes, dreams and happiness. My detractors are the cause and no-one wants to hear that, to understand that.

Thought you liked classical cos you like violin. Violin is a really tricky one ... for being self taught @Historylover sounds like you love the sound of it tho I cant advise on them. ... there are many ways to approach it ... if you can let go of the fear mindset about music ... eg ... the whole folk scene and fiddlers ... do not have the fear of making a mistake drilled in them so much ... its more ooops .. and back on the horse ... and there are so many instruments. I think that nun piano teacher that I mentioned ... actually was annoyed I could read music well enough when I started with her ... so she could not stand over me on note bashing ... but physically hurt me ... cos I bit my nails ... duh! I certainly was not rude or cheeky or disobedient. One good thing is that we are not as small and vulnerable anymore.

Crazy bloody world ... yeah ... and the ones on meds are def not the craziest ...

Classical music is the only music for me @Appleblossom. I came to it after my family breakdown when I was trying to find myself. I worked my way through all the radio stations and stopped when I got to classical. I know very little about it but it is the only music I listen to and it is the background music to my life.

Violin is an incredible instrument. Such sounds emanating from 4 strings.

I thought I might take myself to the opera to cheer myself up – but something like $260. If I had someone to go with it would be worth it, but not on my own. Would love to have had a treat.

Sure is a crazy bloody world @Appleblossom.

@Historylover

You should not have to pay full dollar ... there are company rushes and it can be fun seeing small shows

https://www.melbourneopera.com/project/die-walkure/

I love this crew ...as they do lots new creative stuff ... https://www.victorianopera.com.au/season/the-selfish-giant

Thank you so much @Appleblossom. I have only had a quick look and it was for February - but I'll look into it tomorrow. It mentions 2.00 pm shows too, which is ideal for me. That would be a real treat. I'll have to look more widely as well – the Arts Centre too. I haven't been there for years.