Just don't know how to save myself.

Thanks @Appleblossom. I'm just looking for a new direction that will give me something to live for, which isn't just to tide me over for a while but will lead somewhere. I imagine the life I'd like and it's quite simplistic in nature, but happy and fulfilled. A few reliable friends to grow old with and weather life's storms together. I never thought my life would turn out like this.

I want that feeling of being 'in the game' for us all too, @wellwellwellnez.

Sounds very similar to my vision of a good future. @Historylover I do not want to join endless clubs and get dealt the same ole same ole hands as up til now, so I am more wary of going social ...

Funny I had a friend determined to visit this week, talking about something similar. There were to be 6 huts around a joint campfire with music and dancing ...

@wellwellwellnez @tyme

@tyme, the forum has been my lifeline during the past couple of years. It has been more than I could have imagined an online forum to be, but I need human voices in my home, laughter, conversation, a kiss on the cheek, a hug, connection. Above all, I need sincerity. I just don't know where to find it.

It's a nice thought @Appleblossom.

I know a nutritionist daughter of a psychologist who says ... the best way to improve diet is to gradually squeeze out the bad food with good food.... maybe that can work with the cognitive thingummy too.

@Historylover

@Appleblossom, I've been thinking I should get around to replanting some green vegetables in my pots, but just haven't got around to it lately. I seem to have lost my green thumbs. Maybe when I'm feeling a bit better. But I did plant pansies and petunias.

I'd really love to learn the violin but it would be too difficult here as it would be too noisy for the neighbours who are all so closeby. I've had a lot of difficulty reading music. I've just never been taught properly and developed a negative attitude to my ability.

I'm happy to hear that the forums have made such an impact on your life @Historylover .

For me, the forums taught me to accept belonging and connection. Pre-forums, I had lost trust in humanity. I couldn't trust anyone. The forums helped me get things off my chest because I had no one else to speak to.

So for me, the forums have also been a lifeline to me.

You are not alone.

Sitting with you,

tyme

It takes a lot to reach the stage of losing trust in humanity, doesn't it @tyme ? And outside of here, I still have very little. It would take a miracle for me to change that. I'm becoming reclusive and that's just not who I am. I simply can't take much more of people and I can't do without them.

I have to sign off for the evening @tyme. Thanks for your responses. I can't force a cheerful log off as it would be inappropriate to the way I feel. Tomorrow is another day. I hope you're doing OK. Cheers.

@Historylover Self belief about music makes a difference. Violin is probably the hardest, but you could do it if you had a good ear and neck (I do not) it could be easier than piano as you only have one melody line ... the black dots are only a tool to record music ... they are NOT the music .. Given the high level of trauma in your background, it would make it hard to concentrate ...and I am no perfect musician ...have definite limits.