Caring for an unwell partner

Hi @AFK ,

I commend you on your clear reflection of where you are right now in life - including what is and isn't working for you. Your honesty in sharing your strengths, challenges, and hopes, highlight your desire to build connection on these forums.

You clearly have deep insight into your ADHD and it's great you can connect with others who may also have similar challenges.

Your partner is so lucky to have you! I'm sorry to hear of his challenges, but admire your stance in saying "I wouldn't trade lives with anyone for quids"! I absolutely agree with this. For me, my 'weakness' has made me a better person.

I look forward to seeing you around on the forums!

tyme

PS. Do you have a pic of your birds you'd like to share (while maintaining anonymity)?

Hi @tyme ,

Thanks for your thoughtful reply. Re my ADHD, I only discovered last year that I have it, so I have delved into the topic and have been learning as much as I can. What I have been reading fits my experience of life and the knowledge I am gaining augments what I already understood about myself. So far I have already connected with a few people here about ADHD, better than anywhere, even forums dedicated to ADHD - all they do there is bang on about meds. Ugh! There's more to it!

Thank you for saying my partner is lucky to have me. I feel I am likewise lucky to have him; despite his challenges, he has been far more help around the house than any of my fully able-bodied exes ever were. More importantly, he listens and respects and understands me (or tries his best in times when he doesn't quite understand). He sees me as I am and accepts me in all my imperfect glory. He is a beautiful and amazing human being. He worries about being a "burden" though, and it's hard to deal with my struggles relating to his physical and mental health without making him feel guilty, which is the last thing I want to put on him. But the struggle is real, his mental state and low energy pull me in and get me feeling the same, which undermines my ability to be the one motivating and getting things done, which is the role I'm in. It's a tricky space that I don't really know what to do with.

When you said "My 'weakness' has made me a better person", may I ask if you have ADHD yourself, or something adjacent? No pressure to answer if you're not comfortable, just curious.

Re my birds, I would dearly love to share a picture, however they are of rather distinctive breeds that would identify me in a heartbeat. I can say that they are rescued wild birds, and having their trust is the most amazing thing in the world.

Kind thoughts,

AFK.

Hey @AFK ,

Thanks for your post!

Just to answer your question, No, i do not have ADHD. But I have navigated enough MH challenges to know it has been for the better.

I honestly don't think I'd have the time of day for anyone with a MH condition, ADHD or not, if I didn't have the challenges myself. So yes, the MH challenges have been difficult, but I much better for it.

Also, I definitely wouldn't be in peer work if it weren't for my experiences!

Hope that answers your question.

tyme

Hi @tyme ,

No worries.

Ah, okay. These challenges bring out either the best or the worst in us, don't they? I'm glad that for you, as is the case for me, those challenges have increased your understanding and empathy for others dealing with mental health struggles. Peer support is a great use of that understanding - I commend you for it, I certainly don't count myself as having the energy/consistency to follow that path. For me, the energy I do have is spent in helping my partner with his struggles. In our own ways, we are each putting something positive out into the world in response to our experience, thus it has some meaning.

AFK.

Absolutely @AFK !

That's why recovery focuses on strengths. The strengths that can be drawn out from each person, and in a direction they want.

Whether ADHD or not, no one is perfect. I see it as being able to manage challenges so that we can function effectively in society. As I've said, your partner is so lucky to have you!

tyme

I think maybe your doing better at it than you realise.

It sounds like you have a lot going on and your probably dealing with it better than i would.

maybe give yourself some credit and congratulate yourself by rewarding yourself with something you want.

and maybe try and lighten the load a bit, it sounds like the housework is taking its toll, when maybe it's not that important.

Thanks @MattsOpinion ,

I appreciate your positive spin on things. As for doing better with it than you might... in my experience, you never know what you're able to do until you have to do it. I do try and give myself some credit for what I do - sometimes I can be kind to myself, sometimes not so much. I've been trying hard to lighten the load. I've cut back as hard as I can on my hours at work, and looked for shortcuts wherever I can. I'm definitely turning a blind eye to the less important aspects of housework, dusting can wait until the antihistamines don't stop the reactions any more. Having two birds and a severely immune compromised partner make things tricky though because not cleaning is a significant safety problem. Fluff on the floor - birds will eat it. Birds make their own mess (and a lot of it!) - bird poo all around the house is rather unhygienic and definitely ain't safe for my man, so that's gotta be dealt with. Constantly.

The biggest struggle is food. We have to eat, and we have to eat well. There are limits to the shortcuts we can take there, we don't have the budget for ordering out too often, and my partner's appetite/dietary requirements are bigger and more complex post surgery. For that matter I can't live on canned spag like I used to in my 20s; if I don't eat well now, my depression is quick to take advantage of that dent in my armour and I'm in trouble. So yeah, that stuff is taking a heavy toll, but I don't really have an out - it is unfortunately genuinely important and I'm not quite keeping up with it even so. That's where I'm really struggling.

Kind thoughts,

AFK.

Sorry @tyme , I missed your post. Brain doesn't process the format of the notifications so well...

Definitely agree about playing to one's strengths, not just in recovery but in general. We've all got our stuff to work though and things we do markedly better than others. Thanks. Some days I can accept that statement, some days I can't, but I always appreciate it. My partner seems to agree though, he often tells me he's lucky to have me. Feels nice.

AFK.

Another rubbish day in a series of rubbish days. Partner's health has taken a nosedive - they had him off some of his stomach meds prior to tests that haven't eventuated as being off his meds was so bad for him he had to start taking them again. Days spent mostly on the loo getting badly dehydrated. Struggling to eat anything. Reflux to the point of throwing up in his sleep (with a risk of aspirating the acid and damaging his donor lungs). How the hell they expected him to hold up for a full week off them I don't know. He's still recovering, it's been a nightmare.

As for me, managing the household and keeping us both fed is a struggle. I'm on my last day of holidays and dreading going back to work. Since my roster changed a few months back, my schedule went from just barely manageable to just plain "I'm not coping" . Too many days in a row to have food ready for, can't get it done much in advance because there's not enough room in the freezer. Too many days in a row fighting my natural sleep cycle (which is exactly the opposite of what it needs to be for work).

It's not his fault, but my partner's ill health, low energy and low mood have taken my energy and motivation with them. He's needed a lot of sleep, I could have done something enjoyable while he slept, but I've broken a promise to myself and wasted those precious few days before going back to miserable servitude at work. Atrophy at not knowing the best employment of my time when there is so little of it. I know there is a heap of work to do, I haven't done it. There are fun things I could have done, but nope. I've instead sat in a heap, doing nothing. I feel vile.

Hi @AFK,

It's clear there's a lot going on for you right now trying to take care of your partner when they're ill and your family also, on top of work and looking after you! It seems like no wonder to me that you might be feeling a lot of pressure and overwhelm from trying to manage all of that. I know that feeling of having that sense precious free time might have been 'wasted' doing 'nothing'. However, something else I've come to learn is that sometimes, when there has been a lot going on, what may seem like nothing may actually be restorative and an important form of healing in itself.

I want to encourage you to take really good care of yourself and reach out for extra support if needed for you- there is Carer Gateway, or SANE also has a Helpcentre and 1:1 Peer Support services you can access to speak with a counsellor or peer support worker non-urgently. All the very best,

TideisTurning 🌼