Wait what did I come into this thread for again? Oh yeah, ADHD!

Late to it, but hi @clh1 - as someone who only just got diagnosed and recently medicated for ADHD at the (over?)ripe age of 47, it's really great to see you give support and care so much for your partner. It sounds like your partner has some neurospicy traits - and whatever their source, the clarity one gets from investigating the cause is usually overwhelmingly positive. In any case, I really admire your strength - and your partner's, because it's really really tough living undiagnosed for a long time. I've got a lot of mess to clear up (along with a lot of positive things that I don't think I would have done without the sprinkles of neurospice) but at least now I know what influenced the mess-making and what might help me clear a space finally to be myself.

I hope this isn't too off-topic or tangential to what you're seeking!

@LaserBeamOz come and meet some wonderful members @R2RSD2 , @clh1 , @Jynx

Hi everyone, how are you all going?

I just watched a How To ADHD video on YouTube about acknowledging what we are good at.

Because we neurodivergent people have often had lots of people telling us what we're bad at, it can be difficult for us to recognise our strengths and talents.

I really want to take a strengths-based approach to my life right now.

Last year I was going pretty well with that most of the time, but in the last month or so I've felt overwhelmed and focused more on what's not working -- partly because my chronic physical illness has flared up

and probably partly because I don't have a new project to focus on,

just the long-term ones of decluttering my home and trying to stay in touch with friends.

Huh, I just realised that about needing a new project! Will think about what that could be...

@Shaz51, @Jynx, @Former-Member, @R2RSD2

Hey @greenspace, how exciting to be devising a new project or twelve.

Your post prompted me to wonder about how many of us NDs have had to effectively self-parent in the face of more put-downs and misunderstandings than others generally have to deal with.

We self-parent but how are we doing with that? I’m reading a lot of parenting books (one of my jobs is to do with this) and there’s one called The Power of Showing Up, where the authors mention the 3 S’s of producing secure attachment: Soothe, Seen and Safe.

I wonder if my own next project could focus on one of these. For example, feeling Seen. Am I seeing myself right and enough? Have I got pictures around the place that remind me of some of the really cool stuff I’ve done, tried or even messed up? Instead of a wall of awful, can I build some kind of external antidote? Not something that is toxic positivity but acknowledges and validates the breadth of my feelings through living?

Sorry for the associative thinking hijack! Take care! Hope the new project is exciting whatever it is!

I really like your ideas about self-parenting projects, @R2RSD2 and having images around your living space that remind you of things you've achieved or tried -- nice!

I have soothing images & objects around my home, and ones that are kind of hopeful -- I'll contemplate what objects, words or images might work as recognition of my efforts...

when I write in my journal (irregularly and infrequently in recent months, but I have sometimes done regular journaling) I often aim to write one or more things that I'm thankful for, one or more that I'm proud of, and something that I'm looking forward to (as well as allowing myself to vent about whatever I want). maybe I can find some visual reminders of those ideas too

Hi all,

It's a while since I've been on, life remains unreasonably hairy for me at the moment. I did want to just quickly welcome our new members, and offer a couple of extra ideas to @clh1 , regarding supporting a partner. I second @Former-Member 's idea of a self care menu, though mine is dubbed my "emergency self care booklet" and gets right down to the most basic stuff to account for my sensory sensitivities, too, so will include things like "wear your Loops" (earplugs designed for people with sensory sensitivity), or "turn down the lights" or "sit in the garden" (for when all the manmade things and obvious jobs to do inside are screaming at me).

You mentioned that sometimes your partner is willing to call a GP or therapist to try and organise treatment, then it doesn't happen. The best thing you can do as a partner is tap into that willingness in the moment. That motivation will be tentative and fleeting with everything he's feeling about himself. Encourage him to make the call while he's ready for it - that may mean being there with him when he makes it, or even making it for him. My husband often makes calls for me, because no. 1 thing I cannot push myself to do if I am struggling is phone calls, they are a nightmare. Maybe they are for him, as well. He may not be able to tell you how hard they are for him, I struggled telling my husband just how bad they are for me because previous partners treated me like an idiot for that sort of thing.

Another thing I want to suggest if you don't know about it is body doubling. If he struggles with staying on task or being motivated when doing things about the house, as a body double, you would just be there with him - talk to him if he wants or do something of your own in near proximity. My husband does this - though he is disabled, he is able to sit with me, and he'll often ask if I want to put on music (which helps me a lot but I frequently forget to do it without his input). If I get off track, like starting the dishes when I'm meant to be cooking, he'll give me a gentle nudge back in the right direction. It's extremely helpful.

Hope you're doing okay.

AFK

PS Hi to all the regulars, @Shaz51 , @greenspace , @Jynx and anyone else I've missed.

Hey @AFK @greenspace @R2RSD2 @Shaz51 and anyone I've missed.

Sorry I've been rather AWOL on this thread of late, been pretty overwhelmed - though I imagine if anyone can understand how overwhelming life can be, it's all of you fab peeps!

I really love body doubling too! My partner and I are both auDHD (or as we have started calling ourselves, TrauDHD - autistic ADHDers with a trauma history) and really do struggle to start tasks, and stay on track. We also like to be each others' accountabilibuddy, especially for stuff like making appts, paying bills, etc. where we will say what we need to do out loud, and it gives us both a better chance of remembering and being able to remind one another.

Body doubling is also nice when you're just hanging out - I think the concept is sometimes referred to as parallel play. We will both be in the same room but doing different activities, like they will be reading and I'll be playing video games. It's nice because we don't have that expectation of interacting, so we don't get social overwhelm, but we still get to spend time together and share the odd joke or cuddle here n there. Would recommend!

Sending big hugs to all my neurospicy peeps and their fam who are up in here 😊💜

Hi all,

@Jynx , great to see you around. Hm, yes, totally understand the overwhelm! Funny you should mention auDHD (I like TrauDHD - fits most if not all auDHDers, show me one that ain't traumatised). The last 6 months or so has had me on my own journey of connecting dots back to autism alongside my ADHD, I'm in the process of seeking assessment for that, so I can relate to those extra challenges you might be having.

We do that acountability thing, too. We have a shared calendar app (TimeTree), when hubby tells me he has to do a thing like pay a bill, my response is almost always "Put it in the TimeTree" - he forgets that is an option, whereas I have a longer history of managing my own dysfunction and household stuff and it's pretty automatic to get things like that recorded somewhere immediately when it comes up (so I can snooze the reminder and still forget about it later...). Parallel play for us is hopping on Discord so we can be at our computers, playing a game or whatever and still be connected. There may or may not be much conversation (or it's all from me because I never shut up).

Kind thoughts to everybody,

AFK.