The everlasting lifemare

so empty so hollow

World is so messed up not only is there such limited consequences left in the world there is also no longer any boundaries, just wish I didn't feel so lost alone and drained

Every day I wake every day seems as bleak and empty as the last if not more so, all my hopes and dreams that once were are all but lost, I can no longer see there being a woman in my life who loves me or cares for me at all, I can no longer see my having children, I can no longer see me finding a job that doesn't burn me out in months, my mind is getting blunt, my body feeling ever more weak, my heart hurts, my brain aches, I don't know what I did to deserve that which has happened to me what continues to happen to me and what is yet to happen to me, I understand that I am an oddity even here but I seem to be everywhere but here I am a non entity anyway, words on a screen I may as well be random lines of dialogue I don't exist were I to disappear it wouldn't matter it would have no impact much like in the really real world I am a non entity there too, that isn't to say that I don't understand and appreciate what this place is I am just a highly sensory creature that finds it detached I just wish argh "if wishes were horses we'd all be eating steak" no more wishes, no more dreams, no more fantasies, they are pointless.

Hi Redraw,

Sorry to hear you’re feeling so empty. It sounds like you feel like your life is really lacking meaning at the moment, and you are having a hard time finding a way to reconcile all that’s happened, happening, and is to happen, into your expectations for what you wanted from life. I’m not sure if you see it this way, but it almost seems as though you are grieving for the loss of a life unlived.

It’s interesting how you say “no more dreams, no more wishes, no more fantasies, they are pointless”, as there probably a few ways to think about this. I've always thought that while it’s good to have dreams and expectations for our life, as they give us hope, structure, and the sense that life has a “trajectory” of sorts. However, if we hold onto them too tightly, they can hold us “captive” into thinking life has to be a certain way before we can be feel "okay". And of course when life doesn’t line up with our expectations, as it often doesn't, we suffer. If we can release our wishes, dreams and fantasies (as you have), we can open ourselves up to other ways that life could be. It might not be what we expected, but that doesn’t mean that it won’t be okay. And this doesn't mean we can't have dreams or expectations, just perhaps we shouldn't hold on to them too tightly...the more we do, the harder they are to let go.

Of course, this is certainly not easy, and there is a fine line between nihilism and transcendence for sure, and those who have run into this experience often jump from one side of the line to the other, as finding meaning often requires us to know what it feels like to lose it…

Just some of my thoughts – hope they’re helpful.

All the best,
supernova.

I never had grand or exorbitant dreams, just simple little dreams life, live, love, a decent job (destroyed) love (hopeless) family of my own (hopeless) a tiny shred of hope of worth of anything just a glimmer. It's sad cause I am a good person I am empathetic, compassionate, selfless, generous, supporting, honest, loyal, honourable, insightful on occasion, sweet and I can even be funny, but all these traits in a male i guess are worthless except to take advantage of. I would never harm myself because no matter what someone is going to be hurt by that and I cannot cause anyone harm because of my own pain so no matter what I'm f***ed.

@Redraw

I do understand where you are coming from it just feels like no matter what we do and what positives it achievs we seem to find ourselves back in the black cloud. I also understand all too much that having your "eyes open" to the world gives you more pain than if they were blinkered. Sometimes I thin only us who have a MI see the world as it really is and it can be very cruel and painful. It was only a few weeks ago I felt as bad as you and wanted to finish it all - I didnt obviously thanks to my 4 legged friend. But its hard real hard to keep going and putting a smile - unless you have BPD you cant understand the emotional ongoing pain that we endure.

Do you have any pets you can have for comfort? Having my dog keeps me going literally, I dont know if I would still be here without him. Do you like music?

Coming from a woman your description of yourself doesnt make me think I would want to take advantage of you, you sound like the sort of person someone would want to build their life with.

I cant give you a reason to keep going you have to do that from the inside but as you can see from the replies here everyone wants to support you. You are not worthless, I know me saying that doesnt help but you are not worthless. You may have made bad choices or bad behaviour but you are not bad or worthless.

Take care and try to find enjoyment in something you do, whether its volunteering, working, pets or music JUST BE KIND TO YOURSELF YOU DESERVE IT! 🙂

@Redraw I'm glad that you are able to recognise that you are a good person with many positive qualities (which are appreciated in people of both genders) even when you are feeling so down. I'm also glad to hear that you would never harm yourself due to the pain this would cause others.

I hope you feel that you are taking steps towards your simple dreams in the not too distant future.