Hi everyone.
I just turned 40 a bit over a month ago, and along with that came my BPD diagnosis. My father is a member of the Stolen Generation, and it was amazing how quickly it went from trying to manage depression and addiction to a proper diagnosis after I was lucky enough to be referred to a First Nations psychologist.
At first it felt really grounding, knowing that this is the cause of things, and that I've only been losing battles because I was facing off against the symptoms and not the disease. But now things are starting to feel like they're coming undone, like I've had the rug pulled out of all my past decisions and acknowledging the terrible thought that's always been lingering in my mind, just out of sight, that I'm not really me. That "me" has always been a suitable performance catering to the crowd I happen to be travelling in at any given moment. My psychologist is amazing, and I know that while this part of the river is rough, it's through this discomfort and letting myself feel that I'm sure I'll come to a place of healing and strength.
But right now, all I want to do is connect with other people who share this living experience. I'm finding myself constantly questioning my ideas, my dreams, my goals and my thoughts about the people around me. Like the diagnosis freed me from clinging to the rocks, but now I'm swimming and there's no clear direction, and no one else in my life that's ever been wet and gasping like this before. Like being a child again, with the expectations of an adult, and the shame that I've been performing my whole life and now have to admit that to everyone, including myself. I do have regular thoughts about unaliving myself, or simply disappearing, but I can say with total certainty that's not something I would ever do, and there's never any 'plan' involved. Now I'm aware that these other self-destructive behaviors I have are sort of doing that for me, but those are treatable, and I have the support for that. There's just nobody anyone I can really just open up to about these feelings, knowing that they 'get it' the same way my FN psychologist 'gets' the Stolen Gen experience.
I work in theatre, I'm a writer with some stuff coming out soon, and I'm on the tail end of completing my PhD (Though that aspect is a significant challenge for me right now after my diagnosis). I've done well fore myself academically, in performing and writing, over the last ten years since I got away from the drug scene, but most of all it's been through creating work intended to serve my community in healing, reconnecting with and revitalising our traditional practices. That's where my passion is, and serving the community is where I genuinely find my joy. I've seen some of the stuff online about flipping the script on BPD, the strengths that come with the territory, and I can say with absolute confidence that within the performance space, it's given me a lot of benefits. Empathetic people can craft amazing characters, they can genuinely and deeply listen to people's stories, and can find emotional truth in performance seemingly easier than those that lack this brand of neurospicyness. It also made me a really, really effective bouncer. The ability to empathise and shift one's being to cater to challenging and hostile situations on the fly makes one pretty effective at deescalation. Being hyper aware of negative body postures, subtle expressions and gestures helped me be able to intervene before the conflict even occurs. I thought this was a strength at the time, in a way I suppose it was, but I would give anything to go back and be diagnosed so I wouldn't have put myself in a position where I was forced to take that sort of work, after a long line of terrible life choices. All those bad decisions now make sense, but now I feel like I've wasted my life and the potential of what could have been. I could have been married, had a family, and not be alone.
Anyway, it seems I also wanted to get some stuff of my chest apparently! I'm told it's good for you, so I'll leave it where it is. Apologies for the wall of text, but tldr: Hi everyone, nice to meet you, I'd love to connect with other people living with BPD, just to have someone to yarn and socialize with a bit.
Cheers.
