How do I negotiate this?

Hi there @MJH and welcome to the SANE forums 😊

I'm a peer support worker at SANE and I thought I'd stop by to say hello, provide some direction on how to use the forums and SANE services, but also to say that I'm really pleased to see you've reached out for support here – you've landed in a warm and wonderful community.

First up, if you haven't already, you can check out the community guidelines here. The guidelines are set to ensure harmony, respect and safety in our forums.

Next on the list, how to tag a moderator for support – if you need any help navigating your way through the forums you can tag a moderator like this @moderator.

One of the discussions started within the community that might be of help is this one – the lovely @Shaz51 has kindly provided a bunch of threads that might help you get to know others members in the community.

And most importantly, I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling the pain that can often come along with being a carer. It's not easy to be a support for someone you love and also maintain your own self-care along the way. One of the best tips I can provide is for carers to build and maintain their own support system, like you have by reaching out here, but also at times that might mean seeking help from professional supports, such as counsellors who are there to listen.

To that last point, SANE provides free counselling Mon-Fri 10am-10pm on 1800 187 263. This service is not just for those living with mental health issues, it's for friends and family too who might be looking for free phone, online counselling, support, information and/or referrals.

Our community guides do a wonderful job of welcoming our new members and providing a supportive shoulder. I'll tag a few here:
@Shaz51 @ShiningStar @outlander @AussieRecharger @Snowie @MDT @Faith-and-Hope @Zoe7 @Eve7

Tread your path gently today @MJH and please reach out if you have any questions.

Rhye ☘️

Welcome to the forum @MJH !

I think @Former-Member has provided lots of tips for you so I’ll just add that there are lots of supportive people on here who will respond, just always as close as @tag!

Hi and welcome @MJH 👋

hello and welcome @MJH

yes , we need to have our own self care also to be able to support our loved ones

Carers Hints and tips to Success is helpful

have you any support yourself my friend , someone you can talk to

Sane chat line is always here if you ever want to talk xx

Hi MJH,

I am not sure how you negotiate this.

Just had one thought after reading your post which may or may not be helpful. Just something to think about arising from my own experience. I did wonder if your friend has been supportive of you in encouraging your partner to get help. It might be useful to consider if your partner does not want you to be socially active without them. In a way either intentionally or not doing embarrassing things which could challenge your support system.

Just a thought.

Best wishes.

Thank you so much for sharing. This is a really interesting case. Normally, I look at relationships from an attachment theory lens but I'm instinctively feeling that there a lot more layers at play.

Actually, now I'm thinking about it, your man's just about the right age to feeling a mid-life-crisis style hormone shift. I've recently been through mine. It is amazing how a relatively small change in androgen levels creates ping-pongs throughout the system. Honestly, I didn't even understand what I was compensating for until I was slightly less able to compensate. I'm willing to bet these factors are coming into play. I'm betting here.

I would actually say that after a few years things have found some balances. I'd also say it took a bunch of self-care, a lot of self-auditing and a whole swath of "I feel..." and "I hear...." conversations with my networks. Close and far. Rebirth is the only way. "What rebirth?" is a complicated question.

It's probably worth mentioning that you'd be going through, whatever the equivalent is. I'll admit I don't know nearly enough about how it works on the other side of the hormone spectrum. It seems less documented and that feels like a mistake. We're all in this, one way or another.

Hey @Lucycannon

Welcome to the Forums!

I am so sorry to hear how hard things have been. It sounds like you have been through some really difficult times and these can weigh heavily upon us, especially at night.

We are all sitting with you here. However, if you need immediate support please do not hesitate to contact any of the following:

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or Crisis Chat

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 or online counselling

Samaritans: 135 247

Mensline: 1300 789 978

If in immediate danger: 000

Take very good care of yourself tonight

Kind regards

Peregrinefalcon

Hi,

I spent covid 2020 in a tractor. I had spent a lifetime struggling with social anxiety after having trouble with a punchy older brother. Then boarding school where I was given a pretty cruel nickname (it affected all of my life) it’s to embarrassing to say. I had trouble with stuff (thanks to my brother) and my school grades declined. I left school totally detached and received no help. My father got old, then committed suicide. I had lost my job and was the only one home. It was 2003. There were bushfires and war.

Skip ahead to 2020. I was in a tractor and listening to all the trouble. Covid. Birth trauma, other trauma impending doom. Narcissism. Bushfires, climate change Hannah Baxter etc.Coercive control.
Id been dealing with being a husband, father, working in a family business, dealing with in-laws in close quarters. There are numerous issues in the country and one of those is just being there and subject to community gossip. I had been having trouble with rising anxiety because I was struggling with all of my relationships. I had an angry short man to deal with who was getting old, he’s a horrible gossip too. and other issues like an autistic nephew and the questions that arise when you arent familiar with that.

anyway

a chain of events occurred where I became triggered by a near death of the mad short man and I was being bullied by other workers, and my family, people were stressed by covid and I was totally exhausted after working too hard. My relationship was under stress because my in-laws are controlling. My brother in law was telling my wife that she could do better. I was starting to lose it. I was attacked by my wife and father in law. They failed to apologise and fix their unfair attack. I had the big amygdala hijack and took off.

I think I paced around for six months, mumbling and angry. They bullied me out of a job and marriage.

I have been suffering lack of sleep, triggering, anxiety, can’t think straight and now can’t safely interact at home. I now perceive my in laws as “the enemy”. My life has been ruined by a crazed old man. I loved my wife and children.

I have been constantly stressed by my in-laws and still haven’t recovered nearly two years on. The old man is too weak to apologise still. He is acting like I attacked him. There is an imbalance of power. My wife has to support her father and family, they are bullies. My house is on their property. They have threatened me. I can’t work. I broke my leg.

I wait, does anyone care about men in this situation? I was outnumbered from the start. They knew that. I didn’t get help from my wife. She was contributing to the bullying. I asked for the bullying to stop. People don’t see the cruelty.

I hear you @Lucycannon

I was in a controlled situation for a long time, but it was sugar-coated in such a way that it took me a long time to wake up to having been “played” by someone who is narcissistic, not that I even understood what that meant until the puzzle started to come together and a therapist sent me info about NPD. It feels criminal when nobody can see the hidden power plays that are ruining your life, at least, not until the pattern repeats itself with someone else, and then maybe someone else again.

Havibg come down the pathway I have, I can tell you that there are strategies you can learn to help you raise a shield, and gather your own equilibrium back together again beneath it.

Start with self-care and putting your daily rhythms and goals back into place - sleep, wash, eat well, go for walks, listen to music, and grow strength in being you for you again. Hopefully your wife will begin to miss you and come to her own crossroads. Your children will begin to see you for the person you are, and kids need values, boundaries and unconditional love. Try to keep from venting to them about what has happened - children need to be children - and instead give them courage by your example to choose the good road.

Hold to your own convictions and start re-creating good order around you in whatever you can. Become an island of refuge for your kids to come and find you when and as they can.

Find a counsellor to talk to. Bitterness poisons everything, and you have a lot to be bitter about. Sometimes we need help to dig up that tap root once it sets in, but you will feel freer without it …. voice of experience here 👋

I am glad you found us. You are not alone.