Thanks @outlander ... not too well actually. Although, better than last night ... I think. Thanks for your post last night too. I didnt reply last night ... I was in a bit of a state. But I did get your message, and it helped.
@Former-Member ... awww thanks. So good to see you still around. I was really hoping you wouldnt close your EOR account. Dont make the same mistakes I did. Whats the old saying ... Do as I say, not what I do? Hmmm. Like your earlier picture says ... one day at a time. Its been very much that way for the past few days.
@Wanderer ... so nice of you to pop in. Of course I have seen you around the forums for a long time, but we havent really gotten to know each other. I appreciate you coming here and offering your support. By the way, although this thread says its by "former member", thats actually me. This is the first thread I opened when I joined in September 2016. I closed my account, but came back .. same name, same picture. I have always loved your profile picture by the way. You're so right, people here do walk with us. And its one of the things I love so much about the forums.
@Faith-and-Hope thank you for being here for me last night. The rose is gorgeous. I know you are going through so much right now, and I really appreciate all that you do around here. I only wish I could offer more support in return. Just know you have my support .. always.
@Zoe7 Sorry you got my post before your bedtime. Although in the end, I couldnt talk about the stuff I had intended to. It all got a little too hard. So it should not have been too triggering for you. Thanks for taking the risk and responding as you did. I read your post again today, because my head wasnt getting around a lot of stuff last night. Wasnt in a good state at all, and I do apologise for the tone of my post. Reading it again today too, I realise I was in a worse state than I realised. Anyway ... yes very true. The managers have been mostly very kind, caring and patient with me. Mostly I feel I belong, other times I feel very much on the outer and as though I dont belong at all. I guess it depends very much on my state of mind at the time.
So true Zoe ... anniversaries of all sorts haunt me it seems. My head is very date orienated I think. Some people dates dont seem to mean a lot .. for me .. they do. Its almost as though my body knows, even before I do. As for getting help for my trauma from the rape ... yes I suppose better late than never. Its very unfortunate that there is so many unknowns around my psychologist and if she will be continuing to practice once the sale of her business is finalised. Its hard .. the not knowing whether I will continue to have that support. Her support has been very important to me over the past 5 years or so now.
Yes it was very much like that at the time ... denial, disbelief, dissociation ... I suppressed so much of what happened for a long time. Survival ... that was first and foremost. Ha ha Zoe ... you know me very well ... yes, I say to you 'I am none of that nor will I ever be". But I do thank you nonetheless, for your kind words.
@Shaz51 ... many thanks for the Mr Sherry birthday cakes and balloons. I think his choice there would be the chocolate gateau ... he is very much a chocaholic. I hope you are resting up after all those tests for your kidney matching. Loved reading about Smokey on the other thread too. Always a bit of a highlight for many of us I think.
@Owlunar ... thanks for your understanding. Actually my husband is still the man I married. There were signs very early on, even before I married him, of his controlling and narcisistic ways. I just didnt see or understand them back then. Or perhaps I didnt want to see them, or maybe I thought he would change? Sadly they dont. They only get worse.
@Peri .. always a pleasure to see you. I think WA has finally got some cooler weather lately, after a bit of a hot spell. That sounds like progress for you Peri .. that you no longer dread each new day. Perhaps you are finally coming out of a long period of deep depression. I really hope thats the case. Are you coping okay with the lockdown due to Coronavirus?
@eth .. thank you. Hubby liked his Wilbur Smith book I gave him and has already started to read it. So thats good. He enjoyed the dinner I cooked him for his birthday as well. Sadly I suspect he wasnt overly keen on the Diamond Painting I gave him. All his family members who rang him .. he told them about his book, but not one mention of the diamond painting I spent months making for him.
@Adge ... awww thank you. I love the yoga picture you posted the other day ... You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anyone.
@Appleblossom ... I think you are right ... ANZAC day has become bigger recently that it ever used to be. More and more people seem to want to get involved. Which I guess is nice, where children and grandchildren march with their parents and grandparents who were involved in the wars. The legend lives on that way, through future generations. I am not someone who celebrates war, far from it. But I think those brave men and women who go off to wars, definitely deserve our respect and admiration for all that they did and do.
@TAB .. thanks for your support tabby cat. You're a good egg.
@Maggie @CheerBear @Sans911 @Former-Member @Snowie @Former-Member @BlueBay @Bunniekins and anyone I have missed ... thanks for pics and support buttons. Always nice to know you're around.
Yesterday was a tough one. You could probably tell from my post last night? I ended up taking a pain killer, which had the added benefit of aiding sleep last night. I ended up getting a few decent hours sleep, which was nice. But really .. things are not good, and I'm unsure of how to turn things around.
You see, I did something really stupid last night, and it frightens me. I still cant believe I did it ... such a dill. I feel disgusted, embarrassed and ashamed about it.
There's only one other time I resorted to SH. That was several months after I was raped. By then, the extreme shock and fear had subsided and the physical injuries had healed. After experiencing physical and emotional pain from the rape ... I was then left feeling numb and remote from the outside world. I think I just needed to actually FEEL again .. so I did something to force myself to feel. Well, it worked! I never knew anything about such things at the time, never knew anything about MH for that matter. But I have read a bit since, and I think its reasonably common for people to SH in order to force themselves to feel something.
What I dont understand is ... why did it happen last night? I'm already feeling way TOO MUCH. My feelings and emotions have been very intense over the past couple of months.
I should reassure anyone reading .... I am okay, or will be. Its not major and will heal without any medical interference. Though I am thankful for the continuing 'stay at home' regulations.
I'm really baffled as to how it happened, or how I allowed it to happen. How it got to that. If I understood why, then I may be able to spot the warning signs next time. I dont want it to happen again.
By the way, thanks Zoe and F&H for talking to me last night. And also @traveller , and Outlander.
I'm hoping for a better night tonight. A more restful sleep perhaps. Anyway ... sorry for rambling, too many thoughts in my head all trying to escape.
Good night all. And thanks heaps.
Sherry 💕
