Whatever Gets You Thru the Night

Hey @Jon840

A beetles fan maybe? This sounds like a challenging time in your life, and you have mentioned other challenging times in your life. Jon, can I ask you why you feel your life is ruined? It sounds like from what you have said is the thing most important thing in life to you is your son, and it sounds like you still have the ability to be around for a lot longer and a wealth of knowledge to pass on..

he would have navigated a couple of bad years it sounds like, covid and family issues, whats the thing you are most proud of him doing in the last 18 months?

Yep definitely a Beatles fan: nicely picked up @AussieRecharger and thank you for your very supportive and validating reply.

The thing that I'm most proud of my son for in the last eighteen months ... gosh, there's so much: for keeping his head (when I was struck dumb with terror for about six weeks) when we lived through the fires in an area of the south-east that was heavily affected. Then he utilised COVID restrictions to become an independent learner and turned his grades around. He's very impressive! And to the best of my knowledge doesn't have BPD! Which has much to say not so much about me but about his mother (we're no longer together but have a respectful relationship).

As to ruined lives: there is so much that we lose because of BPD. Jobs. Homes. Friends. Relationships. Other than my son, I lost the most significant relationship of my life to BPD and I'm sure that most of us have done. And there's no way that I can ever get that relationship back as that person has now passed. It's a very long story that one; and one that was poisoned by borderline from beginning to end.

I went through the grief of that with no one to share it with. I am trying a different tack for now at least in this maelstrom.

Thank you for getting back to me. I am grateful.

Hi and welcome, @Jon840 , it's good you've joined.

I'm sorry though that you're suffering from SI (suicidal ideation). 😞 I can empathise.

I really, really hope you don't lose your house.

Regarding childhood emotional neglect, there's a doctor in the US who specialises in this, her name is Dr Jonice Webb. You can google her and sign up for her very helpful emails about CEN, which I receive.

I am also going to tag @BPDSurvivor who is very helpful and insightful about BPD.

I hope you find the forums supportive.

Hi @NatureLover thank you for your welcome and your kind message and thanks to @cloudcore @Historylover @Clawde @Emelia8 @Appleblossom for 'supporting' me.

I'm aware of Dr Jonice Webb's work, but thank you for the excellent referral: I've been working through her first book.

Until this whole business came up with the house I didn't really believe I had CEN. My fantastic psychologist had mentioned years ago that she thought that there were problems within this relationship with this person and seeing some of the frankly, sociopathic, stuff that this person has done in the past twelve months has me seeing the patterns now.

I am very, very angry at this person. I blame the person for my CEN which developed into BPD. Should I try to attempt to forgive this person? Am I being too harsh in blaming them for my CEN? These are questions that have plagued me this year, as this very same person attempts to have me thrown out of the home that I love. This person has not even once asked me how I would feel if I were to have to leave here. Lack of empathy, says my psychologist, is part of the diagnostic criteria of anti-social personality disorder (sociopathy). It's no wonder I developed CEN: this person is my surviving parent!

Thank you for allowing me the space to vent. I've never used a message board like this before, and, if I make it through this, I will find a way to give back to the community here.

Hi @Jon840 I'm Jynx, one of the moderators. Just wanted to pop in to welcome you to the community! I'm really glad you have found a space to share your experiences and feelings about what you're currently going through.

I can see that this is an incredibly stressful time for you, especially as you're navigating legal proceedings as well as what sounds like a very tricky, triggering relationship with your parent.

I think it's normal for SI to increase in the face of such distressing events, but if you feel like it could help to talk to a counsellor about your experiences you can always get in touch with our helpline (1800 18 7263 - Mon-Fri 10am-10pm) or head to this page to make a call booking. If you find yourself in crisis, definitely get in touch with one of the following for 24/7 support:

• Lifeline - 13 11 14
• Samaritans - 13 52 47 (8am-8pm AWST)
• Suicide Call-back Service - 1300 659 467
• Suicideline (Vic) - 1300 651 251

I imagine tonight is incredibly difficult - I think the 'waiting for something you're dreading' experience is one of the most universally horrible things we have to go through. I hope chatting here helps. Did you come up with something to do this weekend?

So.. the long and winding road @Jon840

You know you have BPD, Do you have an understanding of how it affects you and can you understand when it is in play?

I ask the question, because to get back to where you once belonged, you might have to talk to those people and explain to them what you have been through but more importantly, can you forgive yourself for your actions when BPD took hold and you might not have understood how you were acting.

After all, if you want to start a revolution in your life, well we all would like to know your plan.....

🙂

Welcome @Jon840 ,

It certainly sounds things are challenging for you yet you've managed to cling on. I admire you for that in itself. I am glad you've made it to the forums to reach out. It is a good start to re-connecting with society.

I know this because like you, as a borderline, I was estranged from connection, relationships and life in general. I am beginning to accept that CEN was the root of my BPD, yet I find no place for blame. It's just the way things turned out.

In relation to forgiveness, I personally believe finding space to forgive is for yourself. There is great liberty when unforgiveness no longer hangs over you. If you do find space to forgive, do it for yourself and your son. It is not for anyone else. Of course your opinion may differ which I absolutely respect.

I also have to add, that despite BPD severing me from connections, it was also the building of many new ones. Along my BPD recovery journey, I've met the most amazing people who really made a difference.

While you have so much going on, it is most challenging to focus on recovery. Hence, please be kind to yourself and take each day step by step.

We, as a community on SANE, would be more than happy to walk you through.

Look forward to hearing from you.

BPDSurvivor

Thanks so much for those excellent resources, @Jynx, and thank you for your kind and warm welcome.

As you say, SI is only going to increase in the face of these situations. My psychologist said exactly the same thing just yesterday. The trick, she tells me is to feel 'appropriately' triggered in a non-borderline way.

The case is before the courts tomorrow but for reasons I don't understand I now don't have to attend what was going to be a virtual hearing. I am of course immensely relieved by this but also kind of disassociated and its kind of like, "well, at least I don't have to *do something* tonight". I have a terrific fear that we have stuffed up something procedurally but there is nothing that I can do about that now.

Dread. That's exactly the right word @Jynx. I've been living with dread for a year. But yes! Chatting here has helped. I can't say that I have made many plans for the weekend after all. I may do something very impulsive (can something that you reflect on doing still be impulsive? Or is it then just ill-advised?) or I may just crawl back into bed and stay there (not the world's greatest coping technique but it has helped me survive many things to fight again another day).

I think what I am trying to say is "I'm not in crisis tonight". I'm pretty far from okay, but I am just holding on to managing: I'm better than I was this time yesterday.

Thank you again, sincerely, @Jynx

J

Hello again @AussieRecharger,

My goodness you know how to:

• 1) ask some ultra-insightful BPD questions
• 2) drop a Beatles reference (I’m all out though, sorry!)

To answer your first question: yep and its affecting me even as I write my response here. My response to the person who is attempting to tip me out of my house is very borderline in that I refuse to have anything further to do with them. I know this is a black and white response to a human being and I should be aiming for grey, but in seeing for the first time, this year, as years of what I can now understand as childhood neglect and what I see more recently as frankly, sociopathic behaviour on their part, has made me want to protect myself from that behaviour. Plus, typical borderline me has anger management issues and the last time I spoke to the person concerned – after some very underhand behaviour on their part I hasten to add – was not good and I said some things that I regret. So, in not wanting to engage with this person I am protecting not only me, but them as well: and that feels a little less borderline. My psychologist has encouraged me to get in touch with this person for one final time to say basically “you abused me and I’m not okay with that” but I can’t see any point in doing so: this person long ago lost interest in anything that I have to say.

As to those bits of life where borderline has spilt over unchecked onto loved ones and whether I can forgive myself for that not knowing how / why I might have been acting in the way I did … that is one hell of a question. I remember back in the day when I was first diagnosed (2002) it was all very much about not acting the ‘wrong way’ and being very, very hard on myself. These days, with a bit of DBT on board, I am less punishingly hard on myself, and if I do get out of control I at least know what it is that is driving me there. There are two relationships that were destroyed by BPD in my twenties that I would give anything to repair: one I’ve alluded to that I can’t repair because that person has since passed, and one that despite my apologies I seem to have ended forever even though at the time I was undiagnosed and unmanaged and had no idea that I was emotionally unstable. I can forgive myself for that, to an extent, but the forgiveness on that one does not need to come from me.

As to revolution, well, when I first got (mis-)diagnosed all the way back in 1997 I did try to radically alter my life’s path and in a way I kind of did. I went back to uni. Graduated. Taught for a long time. Still teach a bit here and there. But I’m here on this board now just trying to make it on through to the other side (sorry, The Doors will have to do). To which end I’m succeeding thanks, in part, to your outstandingly-penetrating questions and my desire to give them the respect that they deserve by answering them truthfully. I’ll reflect on them a bit more tomorrow, I hope, when I know that the SI is going to come raging back. Thanks again @AussieRecharger

Hello @BPDSurvivor,

I was really touched by your message, especially in regard to CEN. I would like to be that wise and large of heart to be able to rise above blame. Maybe I will in time. What makes me so very angry about it is not so much that CEN hurt me, but that hurt – my hurt – in turn hurt someone very, very dear to me and cost us a large part of our limited (she has now passed) time together and I find it very hard to forgive that as I find it hard to forgive myself for hurting her as I did. That was a very torturous sentence. I’m good on the radical acceptance bit of DBT: not so good on the radical forgiveness bit. I assign blame. Perhaps it’s because I only became aware of the CEN this year. Perhaps it’s because I have BPD.

I am glad that you have found that sense of connection and community on your journey. I have been in recovery. I don’t think I am in recovery at present. I am just managing symptoms. I am and have long been very lonely. I am very grateful for the welcome that I have been shown here.

If I get through this, like you (and a family member mentioned this too to me today) with one foot in front of the other, I will try and find a way to give back to the community here. I even had the germ of an idea about how I might do just that reading another thread.

Thank you again for your wisdom and your welcome @BPDSurvivor.

Sincerely,

J