Hi @seamusunsean
I hear you. What you are experiencing now is harder than a bout of depression in my opinion - possibly one of the darkest times in your life. It was for me. I felt as you do. Such losses would be for anyone and the downward spiral of grief and worry you are experiencing is a very normal reaction to it. Please don't think you are weak - it would rattle and could bring undone the strongest.
And the lies and negative views of some of your family members and others is not what you need right now. I also had to endure this and it can do your head in and overwhelm. I would never suggest to anyone to break ties with family but with your pain being so raw presently I think to distance yourself from such hurt is the best environment for you right now to give yourself a chance to heal. A chance to find your feet again.
Instead surround yourself with people whom support and uplift you right now, whom can understand what you are going through - even if that is just one person. A friend, family member or a group of strangers who can empathise is so important for you to be around right now. The rest will bring you down further and that pains me. I so feel for you - I have been there and no one should go through this alone.
The financial worries add insult to injury. There are organisations that can help you with this and offer financial assistance, help with utility bills - food/clothes also if need be. I work at my local community centre and we offer this help and it does get people through that initial hard time. Please give your local centre and/or charity organisations a call or visit as they will help you. Don't be embarrassed to do so - most of those that work at these places have gone through similar (like myself) and are more than happy to assist in any way they can.
Its important to free yourself of the financial and future worry right now so you have a chance to properly grieve. A chance to heal without extra pressure. A lot of people who are employed simply cannot work for awhile if they are going through what you are - some are given compassionate leave. Don't think you are a failure - you are not. You are human. And when you do feel better in time you will work again - when the time is right, when you are ready.
I can see you in the future in a job fixing things for others - you have a good heart to help those in need. Now it's your turn for others to help you - it time to fix you. There will be days where the grief will wash over you like a tidal wave and there will be days when you feel more hopeful. Those bad days will get less as time goes on. And you will be stronger and you will look at life in a whole different way than before. Those little things that once upset you will just bounce off you as you have survived the hardest. I find myself appreciating things so much more than before I experienced my losses - nothing is taken for granted and the simple things in life feel so good. Every moment of peace now I take with both hands and relish as for years I had none.
It's hard to explain but when that cloud lifts in time the sun seems so much brighter and warmer. Life takes on a whole new meaning and purpose - and one day you will experience this to. Baby steps, one day at a time.
For now please be kind to you. Allow yourself time to heal trying not to worry about the future or finances - that will all take care of itself. Please never forget that people do care and there are good ones out there. Thinking of you and sending you love and strength.
