Birthday card from my mother.

There is no contact between my mother and I. Hasn't been for a long time now. I don't hear from her and she doesn't hear from me.

The only time I do is on my birthday. She sends me an e-card to my email address. Other than that I don't hear a word from her ever.

It was my birthday on Monday ( thanks in advance for the kind thoughts if you want to wish me happy birthday. I ask that you do not. I've moved on. Had a terrible birthday and I'd rather just forget about it)

I havn't opened the email and I havn't read the card. It's an email address I don't use anymore. I may sign in once every six months, if that.

I think to myself, what the point anymore of opening and reading it? I just feel empty when I look at it. I think to myself why does she send me one when I never hear from her at any other time. Why does she bother. I find it hard to believe she does it out of love. If she loved me then why wouldn't she get in touch other than once a year on my birthday?

Every year she does this it is a reminder of all the pain, hurt, loss, grief. I almost felt tempted to say, you know what just don't send me a card every year anymore and leave the email just at that.

I didn't though. I didn't because I don't even know if it would cause her pain or not I have no idea anymore whether she even has any care for me I've just left it unopened and unread. I don't need this right now with everything I'm already dealing with.

There's just nothing for me to say in return. I feel empty and non responsive. Just feel completely dead inside myself.