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Children not communicating

Ffm48Senior Contributor18 Sept 2016, 3:55 am AEST

Children not communicating

Hi everyone

I have no idea how I am going to get through the next few days. After having been seriously abused in every which way by my now ex-husband my children is no longer communicating with me. My son has also disallowed communication with my grandchildren. For the past four years I have tried to find out why. My children live in Europe and I in Tassie. I have now made the trip to Europe to sort things out and it's like banging your head against a brick wall. I am not allowed to see the little ones. I have been waiting for two days for him to arrange a meeting. Tomorrow I am travelling 600km to see my daughter, because tomorrow is the only time she has to see me for an hour. I've come out of major depression and suicidal tendencies in the past four years, but now it feels as though everything is falling apart. I'm at a loss as to what I can do.

Sorry for the rant, Ffm48

95 replies

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In response to: Children not communicating

utopiaSenior Contributor20 Sept 2016, 11:26 am AEST

Re: Children not communicating

@Ffm48. I thought that might happen. But I'm sorry it did. My best friend is going through the same thing with her adult boys. All they see is that she didn't protect them -when HE was around. She has been ignored by them - the eldest in particular for 2 years. But miracle of miracles - they came up to see her last weekend. And they have said they will come back again soon. So slowly they are rebuilding their relationships.
It is possible. So hang in there. Don't give up. Let your daughter say what she has to - she needs to get the pain out. Just keep letting her know you are sorry she had to live through all of that and you love her.
I'm glad your not feeling hopeless. That's good. You have fought your demons - now you have to fight for your relationship.
I truly wish you all the best. Keep your head high.

In response to: Children not communicating

utopiaSenior Contributor20 Sept 2016, 9:38 pm AEST

Re: Children not communicating

@Ffm48. Just letting you know I'm thinking of you and sending you some extra strength to get through this time.

In response to: Children not communicating

Ffm48Senior Contributor20 Sept 2016, 11:38 pm AEST

Re: Children not communicating

Oh gosh @utopia, thank you so much. It means such a lot to me

In response to: Re: Children not communicating

Ffm48Senior Contributor21 Sept 2016, 5:13 am AEST

Re: Children not communicating

Well, it's been a roller with my daughter. But let's face it, you don't "fix" problems that have been building up over decades. We've had everything between hostile silence and explosive abuse. I had no idea that she and expect my son, too were so severely impacted by the dv. They quite obviously blame me for the dv the witnessed and experienced. I feel quite helpless; there is nothing I can do or say to alleviate their hurt. I don't suppose they'll ever know what it means to hear "you see to it that...".

At any rate there was half a hug when I left after lunch; I'll count that as progress.

In response to: Children not communicating

KurraSenior Contributor21 Sept 2016, 5:25 am AEST

Re: Children not communicating

I really admire what you've achieved with your daughter @Ffm48. That sort of discussion takes a huge amount of courage. You will find that little by little you'll be able to break down those barriers.

Just bear in mind that you have no idea what their father has said to your children over the years. You don't need to know what influence he's had. What does matter is that you remain consistently loving and caring. Unconditional love.
You're a trooper to manage what you have in foregn countries.

Sleep well in the knowledge that you've achieved so much more than you might realise right now.

Take care and stay safe. 🎶💕💜💕🎶

In response to: Children not communicating

utopiaSenior Contributor21 Sept 2016, 6:47 am AEST

Re: Children not communicating

@Ffm48. I'd say some progress was made. A hug from your daughter at the end of the visit. Unfortunately they can not say these things to their father - so they say them to you - the soft target. Unfortunately they did/do need to get it off their chest & you are the one they can say it to. DV affects children. Often in ways the parents are unable to imagine at the time. As an adult I have asked my mum why she stayed with my abusive dad. At the time she thought it was the lesser of two evils. How could she raise us on her own? How coukd she leave him, when even his psychiatrist told her - that if she left him he would commit suicide & it would be her fault. My siblings and I have been able to have open discussions with mum. We understand she was trapped at the time and couldn't leave. We hold no grudges against her. She tried to protect us at the time the best she could. I hope your son and daughter are able to see this too. It will take time. They have pain and they need to understand and heal at their own pace. But you have been so brave. Facing them and listening to them blame you. Listening to their hurt. That cannot be easy for a mother. Hang in there. Take a breath and just keep letting them know you love them. I truly hope it works out in the end.

In response to: Re: Children not communicating

Ffm48Senior Contributor21 Sept 2016, 7:35 am AEST

Re: Children not communicating

No it wasn't easy @utopia. Quite honestly I'm totally exhausted now. Tomorrow is another day. Thank you so much for all the support @utopia, @Kurra, @Appleblossom. It makes all the difference.

In response to: Children not communicating

utopiaSenior Contributor21 Sept 2016, 8:08 pm AEST

Re: Children not communicating

@Ffm48. Any time you need to talk - I'm here as are others. I hope you have managed to get some sleep. You have overcome much in your life - you will survive this hurt too. And just maybe - your children eill recognise the strength this has taken for you to do.
All the very best.

In response to: Re: Children not communicating

Ffm48Senior Contributor21 Sept 2016, 8:19 pm AEST

Re: Children not communicating

Thanks @utopia. No I haven't slept. Just going down for a nap now. These last few days have shook me up. I no longer know what I am, who I am, what my intentions are. My heart is breaking, but is it really? - or am I simply annoyed for not getting what I want? I don't know - I do not know. Am I devastated for the children's sake or my sake? I don't know. Am I really being honest with myself? - or am I kidding myself? I don't know. What am I going to do now? - unsurprisingly, I have no idea. I need to think ... and I think I need to sleep.

In response to: Children not communicating

KurraSenior Contributor21 Sept 2016, 8:49 pm AEST

Re: Children not communicating

Hi @Ffm48
In a lifetime a mother's heart will endureuch heartbreak and yet your unconditional love for them will not falter. Your kids will realise how much you have done to visit them. They may not have been as overtly welcoming as you would have liked but they will certainly reflect on seeing you again. This may well be the start of their respective reflection on the past. As the adults they now ate it's hopeful that they'll realise that perhaps what they've believed to date may not have been what it seemed to be at the time.

Give them time to think. Try to enjoy the remainder of your time o/s and when you return home it might be worth thinking about doing some volunteering so that you're mixing with people. Have a think about all those things you've wanted to do but have never had the chance

The world is your oyster. Grab it with both hands and discover the pearl that lies within you.
Hugzzz 💕 💜 💕 🎶 🎶

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