A safe place to share my thoughts

I have that feeling, too. My partner is divorcing me, and I have a looming and very real feeling that I will never be in a relationship again. I feel like I'm damaged goods and cannot even look at myself in the mirror.

@Arizona this makes alot of sense too me as Im currently still missing special someone and as yet havnt seen him for about a month,it isnt easy is it in fact I was just thinking that the main feeling has been a sense of lonliness cause of missing him so much,missed him so much I tend to cry about it also wish I could have a chance for him to just sit and listen to me for hours so I can just say alot that I keep inside my mind, stay safe my friend

I'm really glad that I have this as a boundary. It makes me feel safe and it makes me feel good about myself.

Hi @Arizona .

I can really sympathize with your situation - all too well, as a matter of fact.

I'm not too sure what sort of social repercussions there are for women having these sorts of standards when it comes to their sex lives, but for men there's a lot of prejudice.

I was accused by friends of being "bi", because apparently, having no interest in sex outside of a loving, committed relationship isn't entirely hetero. Then, to make things worse, my therapist accused me of having some sort of hormone disorder because I had no interest whatsoever in casual, meaningless, ect. sex.

There's this stereotype of men - particularly young & straight men - being these indiscriminate sex maniacs... "If she's willing, then she checks all the boxes"... and all too often, you get treated as if "there's something wrong with you" if you violate that.

It's starting to feel like it's no longer enough to call yourself straight these days... like we need a separate sub-category to clarify that we're only interested in the opposite sex, but also that love is a non-negotiable necessity. Know what I mean?

And the worst thing is that that prejudice makes it so difficult to meet new people, too. So you've got to walk this impossibly thin line of being who everybody else wants you to be, while also remaining true to your principals, so you can be the man your soulmate (whereever she is) deserves.

Hi @chibam

I'm not very good at expressing myself today but I will try.

I haven't experienced any prejudice or repercussions from anyone. I'm surprised to hear about it - especially from your therapist. That is terrible! Are you still seeing this therapist?

I have never met anyone with that attitude. It sounds ignorant to me.

I don't worry about what other people think; I just do what's right for me.

@ArizonaNo, I'm not in therapy anymore. I was pronounced "cured" and let go, thankfully.

She was one of the most sexist people I ever met, and that had enormous consequences on my treatment, especially since my biggest problem was my lack of a romantic partnership. Although to be more precise, I think it was less a case of her being prejudiced against a particular gender, and more a case of her having an overall bleak view of humanity - then expressing this by tarring men and women with the ugliest traits of their respective sexual stereotypes, if that makes sense?

I don't think she held men in low regard, as such, because she said a lot of disturbing things about women, too.

I'd love to feel free to just be myself, too, but I've found that's not that simple. If people don't respect you (e.g. because you don't play to their rules), you don't get the invitations to functions; you don't get introductions to new people; and you can often find that strangers have been poisoned with unflattering preconceptions of you before you've even met them.

When you're desparate to meet your significant other, those are the sort of handicaps you really can't afford to be saddled with. So it can really feel like the rest of the world has you over a barrel.

But maybe that's just me.

Sorry I changed my mind.

@Arizona .

I haven't held a guys hand or kissed a guy, let alone had sex for 13 years now.

Initially I was focused on raising my son who had just started primary school. I knew the statistics of potential child abuse for children whose mothers have new boyfriends, or partner. I was scared of those risks.

It wasn't until my son was around 10 years old that I thought I was ready to meet someone special. I live in a township of less than 3,000. It is a conservative farming area. Christian in faith. With few single mums. So finding anyone to date was going to be hard. Finding someone I could connect with who I felt safe for my child and I to be around, would be a lot harder.

About a year and a half later, I suffered a trauma from work, which led to my PTSD, Depression and Anxiety. I was very unwell. Suicidal urges with each Depressive episode. 6 hospitalisations. 6 years of trying many medications without help.

I was in no fit state to start a relationship. My depression caused me to no longer feel love. I couldn't feel it for others and I couldn't feel their love for me. My Depression also caused a complete lack of wanting any sexual contact. I didn't want physical contact of any kind.

One year ago I went into complete remission. No signs or symptoms at all. Libido fully restored. Able to feel and give love again.

So now I am ready. I, just like you want sexual intimacy within a relationship. I had a few 1 night stands in my youth. I didn't enjoy it then.

Now I am looking for a man who shares my core values. Who doesn't judge people, who has empathy, compassion for others, who fights against injustices.

Covid restrictions and constant lockdowns in Victoria have not helped with meeting people. But hopefully 2022 I will be able to participate in activities I would like to try. I may meet someone through those. Who knows.

Just take your time getting to know someone new. Be sure they are trustworthy and show you respect. And be sure they have the same core values that you have.

Here's hoping that you and I find our special someone next year.

Hi @utopia

I haven't had sex for two years and for most of that time I have had no sexual desire at all. It has only returned recently.

And the last time I had sex it wasn't even good.

I haven't been in a relationship for four years and looking back I can't believe that I was with this person. We were together for three years.

My longest relationship was an on and off relationship that lasted 15 years. Basically he didn't love me as much as I loved him, he was obsessed with his career and making money and I wasn't a priority in his life. Then he died in a car accident. It took me a long time to get over his death and by that time I was too old to have children.

When he died I had a mental breakdown and ended up in a psychiatric hospital for a week.

I have had severe depression since I was 14 and severe anxiety since I was 29. And I was recently diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder.

I had an emotionally and psychologically abusive upbringing and for most of my life I believed that I was a bad person.

In 2017 all symptoms of my mental illness went away for six months but then they came back. So I'm hoping one day they will go away completely.

I also have a history of sexual assault from age 12.

I don't think I have ever experienced real love and that is what I want: real love with a man who really loves me for who I am.

Yes, here's hoping we meet our special someones next year 😊

@Arizona @utopia

As a younger woman, I can only empathise with you in a superficial way, as I am inexperienced in these sexual matters.

I am also lonely (my last partner dumped me as soon as he heard the words 'mental health condition'), and I swore since I was in my tweens that I will only have sex when I feel safe and in a fully committed relationship. I know I need to be patient, because building this kind of trust requires me to cast off my deep-seeded trust issues, but from what I've been told, when I know, I'll know.

Hope this way of thinking will continue to help the both of you in the right direction. As my close friend once put it: there's no need to feel ashamed about your strong values and morals, in fact, you should be proud!

We will gain strength from each other...I know there's a long way to heal...but remember, where there's a will, there's a way. This goes for personal healing, love and everything in between.

Never lose hope.