👥 BOUNDARIES: Week long discussion 👥

I set a boundary today that was accepted. So I am pleased with that.

In the main my values revolve around family and common decency to all beings. It is how I have spent my time and my money.

What are your most important values/greatest needs, and how do your boundaries reflect these

Hi @cloudcore and everyone else.

Having loved with BPD for over a decade, I've found that communication is something I've learnt to value. I used to shut off and stay silent. But ultimately, this didn't help.

I say what I do, and do what I say. Hence I expect that from others - but it's not always the case.

Ive learnt to ask clarifying questions when things don't seem right, or I don't understand why people are behaving the way they are.

Im not a perfect communicator, but I'm working on it!

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@BPDSurvivor wrote:

Ive learnt to ask clarifying questions when things don't seem right, or I don't understand why people are behaving the way they are.

Im not a perfect communicator, but I'm working on it!

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Effective communication is just so important, isn't it, @BPDSurvivor ? I suck at it, personally; which, I suspect has caused more problems in my life then I'll ever be aware of. I speak and what I say makes perfect sense to me; but then sooner or later someone will respond, or rephrase my statement in such a way that makes it abundantly clear that I've been extremely misinterpreted.

IMHO, it all has to do with underlying inclinations and preconceptions. If you start off talking to someone who is fundamentally a differant-thinking person to you, with differant aspirations, your in for a bumpy ride trying to have a meaningful conversation with them.

@cloudcore

Thank you.

Number 1 amongst my many values. This is the top of my list.

TRUST. - If you have not got any trust, you have got nothing. You can't build anything further without trust.

Many people think that you should automatically give everyone your trust and then if they break that trust you gave them then re think things.

I disagree entirely with that. Learnt too many times painfully and hard than to just give trust automatically.

Trust is earnt. You dont trust a new person in your life with everything. That to me is completely nonsensical. At some point you have to give trust. I prefer to do it slowly and with little things at a time, which will lead to bigger things to trust said person. Another thing I try to do (still need lots of practice) is to watch a person with someone else, or watch what they say to me. For E.G. My friend so and so told me to never tell what she told me to anyone but I feel I can trust you. Well there it is right there, you are breaking your friends trust. To me if yoiu can do that, what would you do if I told you something in confidence? Harsh, I know, however the reality is that person could very well break your trust.

So, I think in this case, my boundary would be that if someone was pushing me to trust them and getting so angry about it all, I would put my boundary down and say I build trust in people slowly, if you cannot be patient with me in building trust then we need to talk about this when you have calmed down. Something like that maybe?

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@frog wrote:

...one thing that I struggle with is that I assume the best in others and because I prioritise these things, assume that others will too. Wishful/magical, thinking maybe!

It took me a long time (and still learning) to realise that effort on my part is not enough for a good outcome, and sometimes the wise thing to do is withdraw.

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@frog I do this too. Thanks for sharing as it has helped to clarify things for me.

1. What are your most important values/greatest needs, and how do your boundaries reflect these?

I think time, honesty, warmth and mercy are things I value and need.

The question is hard...I am learning to set time boundaries as I got burnout last year on the forums (burnout really sucks). Also, I've learnt to step back from people who refuse to have mercy on me. I also won't give my trust to people who are nice to someone's face but mean to them behind their back - cos they can do that to you too. But warmth in other people is attractive and tends to break down my boundaries!

I relate to this too @frog @NatureLover, and learned the hard way ...... I knew not to trust bullies from childhood experiences, but didn't recognise the 'smiling assassin' kind that I came across as an adult ...... 🙁

Thanks @cloudcore 💕

Hi @Shaz51 @frog @chibam @Appleblossom @BPDSurvivor @Powderfinger @NatureLover ,

Thank you for your thoughtful contributions to this discussion, your posts have highlighted two sets of important values:

- "instrumental" values: like trust, honesty, loyalty and respect; and

- "terminal" values: like fulfilling relationships, education, equality and self love

They are both equally important to consider when creating boundaries!

I also acknowledge the common experience of having difficulty communicating and enforcing boundaries with those in our lives, and the negative reactions boundaries can elicit. I know I have experienced these too, it can be scary and upsetting when faced with it. I'm really happy to hear that your boundaries were accepted @Appleblossom

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I will be posting the next question shortly, just tagging those involved in the thread, @Faith-and-Hope @LostAngel @Corny @Sophia1 , @Former-Member

Questions for Tuesday 24th of August:

Boundaries can change depending on the situation or the relationship.

1. Think about two relationships in your life, and describe the boundaries you have with each one. How are they similar, and how are they different?

2. What boundaries do you have irrespective of who you have a relationship with?

3. Additionally, what boundaries remain or change for interactions online?

Hello @cloudcore

I did not get back to answering question one and question two is here....which leads me to say:

my first response was more around the boundary setting...

I need to set boundaries around my time spent on the forums....

answering every day for me will be hard..

however, I also accept that this is my own boundary not others...so reaffirming....my boundary to spend less time on forums...

values:

respect everyone's right to speak

respect everyone's right to be heard

respect the personal space of others

listen to everyone until they stop showing respect

be honest and truthful with everyone including and particularly myself.

forgive myself

loyalty

love

accept other people's differences

do not judge people

never stop learning

never stop asking questions

many more

needs:

respect

love

to be heard

to not have my personal space invaded

to feel accepted and valued for the person I am