👥 BOUNDARIES: Week long discussion 👥

That's right it does take courage @Powderfinger . And as Dr Kindness always says, "you didn't have to keep showing up, you could have easily just walked away from therapy like many do". I didn't walk away, I asked for help and put up with the humiliation of it all.

My suburb must be in a slight dip or something but the smoke in Sydney is really making me cough today, the sky is quite brown.

I understand the sickness......my father would turn up at school, at friends houses, scream down the phone, do what ever it took to regain control......I was a child so I am not sure how the law works in your state regarding AVO's and other legal tools you have at your disposal to get to safety and away from harm. I wonder if she could be under some sort of court order.....I don't know. But it sounds like its been going on for a long time and you are socially isolated....it's textbook really. They're all the same.

If it came to it, could you go to a refuge? Did the police give any advice on alternate accommodation if it came to that.

I've accepted that I probably wont sleep tonight and I prefer not to use my PRN because it makes me so groggy the next day, I want to remember the day clearly. You probably won't sleep great either, its hard to get into a GP on a Sunday. Season 2 of The L Word Generation Q is out.....I haven't started it, but will leave that for a later date when I am less mellow. Even if you don't have a Twitter account you can still search for things on there you like....like puppies or silly stuff.

You can get through it @Powderfinger. Be mindful of the shame spiral. It's like a water pool that sucks you in real fast, and it takes lots of trips and falls back into shame to tame it.....but it is possible. As you said yourself you can't do it on your own, you have to swallow some pride and seek out a therapist who can hear all the ugliness and horror with you, Corny

Hi @NatureLover, @Shaz51 , @LostAngel , @Powderfinger , @Faith-and-Hope , @Corny , @Appleblossom !

I'll be posting our first question shortly but I wanted to acknowledge all of your posts on this thread. Thank you so much for kick starting this discussion! I see some stories of personal experiences, and great points and ideas about what boundaries are and what they involve (which may come up again in later questions this week). Setting and mainting boundaries can indeed be very complex, and at times they can shed a negative light on dynamics we have with others.

I'm also so sorry, @Powderfinger and @Corny, for the difficult periods you're both currently going through. We are here to support you as best as we can

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I'm just tagging those who have shown interest in this topic now as well @Sophia1 @BPDSurvivor @Determined @chibam @jem80 @frog @Former-Member @Judi9877

Question for Monday 23rd of August:

Personal boundaries are the rules and limits you set within relationships. They are usually aligned with your values (or your needs), and tell you what’s okay, and what’s not okay, in a relationship. For example, if you value family time, you might set strict boundaries with work and your colleagues.

1. What are your most important values/greatest needs, and how do your boundaries reflect these?

Hello all.

I shall give this some thought....

Rather than jump in with the first thing that pops into my head...

I just need to remember to reply...

Sophia 1

ps This is a form of boundary setting although not my most important...

setting a time that suits me within reason ...taking the situation into consideration also..

My faith, family, studies and friends are my greatest values, which I create boundaries around by making space for them, and defending my time and commitments to them.

This is an interesting one @cloudcore and prompted me to do some thinking!

One of my greatest needs is time to myself however, making sure this need is met can be difficult in some relationships. One way I set boundaries to ensure that I get time to myself is to set time aside for myself – this can sound a little ridiculous but its effective for me. To do this, I tell my loved ones that I need 30+ minutes to myself for a while and politely ask that they dont disturb me during this time. Communication is key around this though so my loved ones know why I am taking some time to myself and know that it is not as a result of something they’ve done.

I'm excited to hear about other members personal boundaries.

Hi @Sophia1 , I think that is great example of a boundary! Attending to requests at your own pace to give yourself the space to think/plan next steps is so important, especially in an online environment where there is 24/7 access to anyone anywhere.

@Faith-and-Hope , it's really excellent that you recognise your values and your priorities, and setting boundaries to make space and protect your commitments to them. In your first post you mentioned in that at times your boundaries have been ignored/ridiculed by others, which can be so hurtful and isolating. To honour your boundaries is to honour yourself, and I hope you have found comfort and strength in re-establishing them

@Former-Member , I can definitely relate to needing time to myself for self care. You're also right that communication is key! Setting boundaries alone can sometimes seem harsh or offensive to others, but when we have respectful and honest conversations about our boundaries and why we have them, we have the opportunity to create more respectful and honest relationships in the process.

I also personally highly value my education, my relationships and time alone. When I don't make time for these things, I can end up feeling anxious, overwhelmed and at times angry or regretful. The boundaries I've created to protect and honour my time and space for them, include having a strict schedule and often saying "no." to spontaneous plans/additonal work commitments.

from cloudcore

1. What are your most important values/greatest needs, and how do your boundaries reflect these?

interesting @cloudcore , I am thinking in the line of my elderly mum and my husband who has mental illness and my 4 step children who all have some degrees of MI

You're also right that communication is key-- @Former-Member , I find it is hard as my close family need my total support but also wants their own indepentances

? BOUNDARIES are ok but sometimes, lots of times but they get stepped over lots of time

@Determined, @Smc , @Krishna , @Elac , @Worriedmum , @Mumslove , @Boo13 , @Scoo , @FindingStrength , @LostAngel

I really like your time related boundaries @Former-Member @Sophia1 That's given me food for thought!

Some of my values include: honesty, respect, loyalty and kindness.

I really try to live by these, but one thing that I struggle with is that I assume the best in others and because I prioritise these things, assume that others will too. Wishful/magical, thinking maybe!

It took me a long time (and still learning) to realise that effort on my part is not enough for a good outcome, and sometimes the wise thing to do is withdraw.

Hi everyone who is following along/contributing @Shaz51 @Faith-and-Hope @Powderfinger @LostAngel @Corny @NatureLover @Appleblossom ... everyone here.

Thanks @cloudcore for starting the discussion - so important!

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@cloudcore wrote:

1. What are your most important values/greatest needs, and how do your boundaries reflect these?

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Wow. This is more difficult to answer then I would've thought.

My greatest need by far is my soulmate - my wife (who I'm yet to meet ) And in the same vein, a secondary, but still immensely important need, is my true family (again, who I'm yet to meet )

Which ties in with my most important values, which are that we need to prioritize making life enjoyable - and therefore worth prolonging - to the people who behold us or are conscious of our existance. This is especially true if we are going to hold those people to an expectation that they ought to abstain from suicide and take an interest in prolonging their own lives.

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@cloudcore wrote:

...and how do your boundaries reflect these?

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The difficulty with that is that I am a very accommodating fellow by nature. Call it 'wishful thinking' if you will - the idea that if I spend enough time putting myself out to accommodate others, maybe someday somebody will be good enough to put themselves out for me and give me the help I so desperately need.

So I perhaps don't exhibit any hard boundaries as such. I tend to stand by and politely smile, while seething internally.

But I would have to say that one of my hardest boundaries is that I hate slander/defamation/demonization - call it what you will; depicting me in a way that makes me an unpleasant and/or undesirable character in others' minds. Because it's damaging on three fronts:

First of all, it potentially sabotage any potential union between myself and my future wife and/or real family - not only by potentially inciting them to dislike me before they've even met me, but also by inciting potential go-betweens to dislike me, as well (e.g. imagine that my soulmate just happens to be your sister. If you've been told: "that @chibam is a real loser" are you going to be more or less inclined to set me up on a date with your sister? Perhaps if we'd met without the defamation, you would've been more open to seeing the striking matches between myself and your sister and had more an instinct to see us as a great match for one another.)

Secondly, it sabotages my ability to do my part in making the world a place worth living in. When people are already primed to feel uncomfortable around you, it is a hell of a battle to cut through that and evoke happiness within them.

Thirdly, it turns me into a darkness that makes peoples' lives worse; not better. Completely against my consent, it turns me into the exact opposite of what I - as an ethical and dilligent person - aspire to be. Instead of being a force (be it weak or strong) that brightens peoples' lives and makes them more willing to survive; you turn me into a ghoul that makes them depressed and uncomfortable, and therefore a force (weak or strong) that makes their lives worse.