Thought that there's something wrong with me.

I'm really not copeing at all I cant eat can't sleep I'm hurting all the time everyone keeps saying it's going to get better and it's not just keeps getting worse I can't take it I've tried over and over to end it and even that goes wrong I'm reaching out and there nothing I can do as I'm sick here cars broken life's broken and I'm in the middle of nowhere I'm sorry for being this way but my hole life has always been like this it would take be months to get through it all and like everyone else be lost for words and even talking about doesn't help just make feel worse

@Judus I'm so sorry to hear of your situation, in winter too. As @Former-Member suggested I hope you can reach out to the SANE helpline for one on one counselling and referral. You've been very brave to take the first step by posting here, where empathy and understanding are on tap. I hope you can link up with local help very soon as our mental health and day to day living are so connected. It's good you have your friend to help you stay safe.

Best wishes

Dimity

@Judus you posted while I was typing my last message and I hear your pain. @Former-Member I hope you can look in on @Judus and help.

Hi @Judus , Sorry to hear things have gotten so hard for you.

The previous Moderator sent you an email with some phone numbers to reach out to. If things get too hairy or if you feel unsafe in any way, please call 000.

This link might be helpful with finding material aid and services near you:

https://askizzy.org.au/

Feel free to call the SANE Helpline on 1800187263 tomorrow between 10am and 10pm Eastern Time for a chat and perhaps to work out a step by step plan to get you out of this situation.

Please stay safe yeah.

Thanks for your wonderful concern and compassion @Dimity

Everyday is hard feel like I'm only going backwards I'm hurting like hell inside even though I'm not showing it at times. As of late I'm struggling to even talk without breaking down I feel like there never going to be a end to this hell and I feel like I'm being over dramatic but inside it's alot worse. I'm lost and feel like I've been thrown in a hole with no way out. My emotions are erratic and out of control and I'm drowning in them. I'm holding as much as I can as not to worry people.

I don't even know who I am anymore. I have friends but still I'm alone. My head hurts all the time can't sleep for days at a time and I'm so scared of what is happening to me I hate myself and my life and I'm stuck with ut. I'm in a really bad way I have moments when I think things are getting better then it all starts again. I'm reaching out but feel like nothing is happening and I'm out of control and losing myself. It's like a wave it just wipes me out I get up and again down. I'm telling thus here because I need to let it out it ripping me apart. I'm fighting as hard as I can and going nowhere everytime I try for help seems like I hit another wall. I know I need help asap but everything fails I've given up and lost all hope. I'm trying everything nothing works. As I said I'm lost scared and hopeless. Sorry for this I'm going through anther out if control spiral.

Please contact the number @JoeTheLion has given you @Judus . We here you and care about you, but you need to call and help is available for you. I will tag @saltandpepper and @Former-Member who have also had relationship problems and may be able to help. Take care Judas X

Hi @Judus it's hard when you feel overwhelmed. I hope tomorrow is kinder to you and you feel able to ring one of the contact numbers. What do you need to do to get your car fixed? If you're camping out in the bush you'll be needing to get that sorted. Can your friend help with that?

Thinking of you and sending you strength -

Dimity

Sorry I just needed to talk about it. It's to late for me I'm now alone like everthing in my life it all just fails at 6 months old my father through me across the room because I was crying at 18 months he tried to drown me at 3 he beat me black and blue in the drive and another night did the same in a restaurant toilet later that night took to me with a belt with nails in it. They are some of the memories my mother took me away after that and hid me for year till I was 14 as she had bipolar had I reminded her of my father she was also hard on me still a good mother. when I was 14 I went to see my father and lasted 2 weeks till he drag me around the house by my hair kicking and hitting me I ended running away to return back to my mother by the time I was 16 I left and started living on the street till I was 21 though days were just as bad sometimes worse I'm a person that can't hurt a fly and as gentle as could be and aways want to help people I get stuck at doorways all the time. Holding it open for people I go out of my for people just to help them it's the way I am it's my way of dealing with pain is to help others. When I need help I don't like to ask and when offered I'm reluctant to take it. So I'm not here for help just to let this hurt out and maybe someone may see this and it help them get through there hard times. Things have always been bad for example I once told someone about it they said I was just look at things the wrong way. So each time I saw them I told them everything that had happened. It was every 2nd day we met. They were dumbfounded by it and asked how do I cope I said I push it down and keep on going and help others as they may need help more.

10 years on and the other day I have done it again and told someone about it. Said it like some sort of sick joke. And got the same reaction from them. After 41 years of this I thought I'm just losing my mind and said enough is enough and start to try and end. It over 2 weeks I had motorcycle accident that fractured my neck. Everyone still can't believe I walk away from it. I've tried many times now twice I medicated myself only to wake the next day wondering why won't it let me go. There many others things all ending the same way. So now I've just stopped trying. I'm here for some reason just yet to find maybe it this to tell my story in the hope it gets others through theres. This is just a little of what it's like not even the tip of the iceburg. I know I shouldn't but I've isolated myself off from everyone and everything thing and no-one knows where I am but 1 person. They sort of understand as they been seeing it first had as it happens. This is some of my story as I keep going I will tell more if you are following it. Put it all it together and write it in a book. I chosen judus due to the story in the Bible not that I'm religious. But I'm paying my dues so others can better there lives funny way of thinking but keeps me going hahaha. I have a real humorous side and love making people happy as I say "it's the way I am" Also I say sorry alot like all the time. Even if I did do it I say it because I couldn't help. I never realised this till the other day when someone pointed it out. Anyway enough for this post there will be more in time by the end you know me better than anyone in my life.

I've always felt different to others. Like no-one understands me I've been classed as highly intelligent and hyperactive. It drives me crazy all the time time no-one gets what I'm going through. I've seen doctors they just put me on tablets that don't work. Seen therapists they couldn't help. Seen one of the top psychiatrist and he just put me on the same tablets as the doctors. I've been coming here for a couple of days now posting as I'm going through my cycle as I call it because thats how it feels. Just in the last 4 years I've been hit really hard with loss of relationships last one hit harder than anything I've ever felt before. It has sent me into a complete self-destructive state that I can't pull out of like I've got no control. Feels like Jenga bit of me have been taken away bit by bit and this last breakup was the major hit of all and my hole world blew apart. I've reached out for help but everything keep breaking down before I can get it. It hard to explain it like I'm crawling broken up a steep hill while a cyclone is pushing back on me. I have moment when I can think clearly but then it starts again. When I look back on things it like it not me. There has been so much happen to me in my life that when I tell my story I can see the hurt a pain in others as they hear it. I told I'm the most sweetest gentle soul that people have met. But I always end up losing everyone close to me. I don't even try anymore to make friends. And after this last turmoil I'm in so much pain. I've lost complete control now and given up my hole world is spinning so fast I can't stand I reach for help and just can't get it. I thank everyone for your support and suggestions I have tried them all many times I've been I hospital many times and nothing works.i am still going keep on working at this just it's so hard and now I'm alone. Have had to shut out everyone as I can't take more of it. I am a fighter and not giving up on myself just on everything around me I need to stop take a breath and go slow. I can see that one minute I say one thing then the next I'm saying something else this what I mean by I'm not in control everything is going so fast I don't know how to go about it anymore. For a deep thinker that plan everything in detail months and even year ahead to be like this is I don't know hell would be close to it. Anyway thank for all the comments and support I am very greatful and I am taking all of it in. If there is anything that I say that is confusing just ask and I will put it in other words so to speak. Anything you what to ask please do so and I will do the best I can to reply. I'm all over the place and even simple things are hard for me. Once again thank you everyone I have been ready every reply several times over and is heartfelt.

@Judus you have a long and troubled story and have had so much trauma from your earliest childhood. Keep writing my friend, others here on the forum had abusive childhoods too and can relate. I haven't talked about my own experiences, I've blocked them out and minimised them. I hope you get to meet other friends like @HenryX and @Appleblossom who can listen and share their collective wisdom.

Thanks @Former-Member for your support I hope the last few days have been easier for you.

And thanks @JoeTheLion

Cheers

Dimity