What am I to do?

I don't know what to do and I am going around in circles. I don't see any options besides seeing a psychiatrist to help me sort out why my ex-psychiatrist did this to me, and doing so is terrifying. I know how they can mess with our minds.

I have an appointment next week and I am becoming very frightened. The last one I saw - twice - asked me if 'I was feeling well?' in such a way that I was aware that he was implying I was mentally unbalanced. I was overwhelmingly distraught and had been controlling my distress extraordinarily well in the circumstances. A short time later, I became overwhelmingly fearful that I was losing my mind and hadn't known. I immediately e-mailed my ex-psychiatrist and just e-mailing him brought me immediate relief.

You know - my ex-psychiatrist - the one whose actions brought me here and to a state of constant suicidal thoughts which prevail.

If this one does my head in too, I will be compelled to e-mail my ex-psychiatrist again in the hope of a re-balancing, but I think he has got me to the point that he won't. His ultimate revenge.

As I have previously mentioned, I used to e-mail him trying to understand why he has done this to me - dozens of them, which he can, of course, hold against me - saying that they show how unbalanced I am, that he did his best. In the last few weeks I again wrote to him after a break of several months. On this occasion it felt like self-harm. So, very likely, I now have nowhere to turn - not even to my abuser.

I spoke on the phone to this other psychiatrist and he seems so very nice that that is what terrifies me the most. Every situation I am currently in is 'very nice', 'very comfortable', 'serendipitously fortuitous', and I feel that I am being lulled into a false sense of security by all involved - when I have never fitted in anywhere previously. I'm more than a little suspicious. I feel like I am surrounded on all sides.

I don't know what to do. This psychiatrist just isn't sitting well with me and the price - not financial - I could pay could be more than I could recover from.

Just because you are paranoid doesn't mean they are not out to get you - to paraphrase a quote I came across. I'm not paranoid and have never been diagnosed as paranoid. I just recognize the signs of being in a very difficult situation without any backup systems.

What on earth will I do to help myself when I feel so frightened and feel that I have tried everything already?