What am I to do?

Hi @Historylover,

I hear your fear and anxiety. It's completely understandable that you're having a difficult time trusting other's after your last experience with a psychiatrist. I can see you've been dealing with a lot of pain and doubt, and suicidal thoughts, as a result. You don't deserve to feel like this, and so I'd really encourage you to reach out for support- you can call Lifeline (13 11 14) or contact SANE Help Centre for a one to one chat if it's non-urgent. Please know you're not alone.

from cloudcore

Thank you for your reply @Gwynn. I need it so desperately. I don't know what to do. I don't trust anyone in the real world because I can't trust anyone in the real world. I have spent 18 months trying to understand who my ex-psychiatrist was and how I could have been so blindsided by such a master of deception. I don't know why he did this to me - or how anyone could do this to anyone. It just boggles my mind and keeps me awake at night, every night.

I keep reaching out to organizations for help but there seem to be reasons for me to be excluded at every turn. I'm getting to the point where I am becoming unable to help myself. I'm too able, too much an ill-fit for domestic violence support groups even though they don't have group therapy for psychiatric violence support. I tried U3A until they shunned me for speaking personally,'confidentially' - it was just an excuse to do what they were waiting for an opportunity to do so as to not have to disrupt the structure of their clique. And on it goes. Telephone calls and e-mails which lead nowhere. I am also getting to the point that I will be so distressed that I won't fit anywhere for that reason.

As for the psychiatrist - I am fully aware that they all cover for each other. I always knew it was so, but my recent experiences showed that doctors and specialists of all kinds have each other's full support. For me to talk to a psychiatrist is like Red Riding Hood seeking assistance from her 'grandma'.

There are no escape routes for me @Gwynn. My ex-psychiatrist has ensured he left no escape routes. I was played by a master. There really is no hope for me.

My handyman has just arrived. I will have to stop.

Back again - lovely, very hard-working man. Wish he was part of my family.

Do I have a plan B? No, I think I have run out of Bs. Here is my only support team. I am so frightened, very, very frightened. If I feel good when I leave this new psychiatrist, I know that soon after I will crash back to reality. Why is this happening? Was I really born to endure this nightmare? Is this really life?

Thank you too for your reply @cloudcore. So many avenues to 'get help' but so many doors closed to me.

My life and my unit are in total chaos. I am usually very tidy and had put all of the things for my daughters to inherit in special places in the hope that they would survive the disposal unit while they access my money. But at the moment even I don't know where they are - so I have to hold on until I get everything back in place, and perhaps a little longer.

I know there are places to ring and have done so from time to time but it's permanence of relationships I need - family, friends, normality. Like so many others have.

And there is always here with my fellows. from me.

Hello again @Gwynn, Thank you for your concern. This has been my life for the past 18 months and it has been hell. I have been so absolutely confused as to why this has happened and have been unable to resolve the matter. I knew this man and he was my dearest friend. I genuinely would have died for him. He trained me meticulously and I was never to accept an explanation for anything simply to 'wrap it up'. It always had to be accurately resolved. I have been unable to do so and that is why I am now going to see this other psychiatrist. I need to understand why he did this and what I am supposed to do now.

I wrote a draft e-mail to cancel the psychiatrist appointment this afternoon but couldn't send it. I will attend the appointment. The world and psychiatrists can't all be bad. There genuinely has to be good in this crazy, mixed up world.

I will be alright. I always reach out here when it gets too much for me. I will let you know how I get on, but perhaps I will let it settle down before doing so. Or perhaps, I will just present on the forum and you will see for yourself that I am doing alright.

As for the future, with the refurbishment of my unit, sometimes I feel that it is being done for a purpose. A good purpose. But I won't elaborate on that just now. I don't like to count chickens before they hatch. Let's see where this takes me.

Sending best wishes. I'm OK.

Forgive my belated and brief reply @Historylover, I have been failing at "Authentication" for hours.

@HenryX shared a technique to get around this dreaded timeout for PC users in the "Good Morning" thread, so go and have a look at that (if and when you feel up to it). I'm going to post this for now to let you know that I am thinking of you and "I'll be back". Take care, RedHorse 🌹🐴

Nice to hear from you @RedHorse. I've been having a few bad days lately. I guess much of it is due to having to trust a new psychiatrist while still recovering from having done so with another. I'm going to be alright though. I think everything is settling again. Fingers crossed. I just have some outstanding issues which have to be resolved.

I hope you're enjoying the forum and that you are doing alright. It has been a lifesaver to me. I'll see if I can find HenryX's post. He seems to have quite a bit of computer know-how. I wish I had more. I'm now having to find how to cope with unexpected things happening on my mobile. Life is so difficult on our own!!

Cheers, Historylover.

Hello again, @Historylover.

You sound much more positive than you did this morning 😊

I'm glad that things are settling down for you and that you've decided to give the new psychiatrist a try. No mean feat given what you have been through. Well done you 👏

It's been up and down for me this week but posting to and navigating around the site has certainly kept me busy and looking forward. Sharing in the experiences of others has given me some much needed perspective and while I haven't actually achieved much (if anything), my attitude to life and towards myself is improving.

There will always be some issue requiring resolution in our lives, but we may not always be alone. Who knows what the future holds 🤷 In the meantime we have the support of this online community.

Wishing you a pleasant weekend. RedHorse🌹🐴

Just a quick few lines @RedHorse. I'm feeling rather well at the moment. I always feel rather well - then my circumstances invade and I crash into hopelessness and despair, but I always reach out here and am usually back on level ground very quickly. I love this site and the people here are fabulous.

It gives a different perspective on life, doesn't it? I recall sitting in my psychiatrist's waiting room with all of these other seemingly 'normal' people - yet what must have brought us to that common meeting point must have been varying shades of considerable trauma. We would never have known each other's story - but here we do. And it's horrific. Life can be tough. In other situations, I have seen other's traumas first hand, so did not come here in total ignorance - yet it had been hard to read initially and I had to condition myself to it. It is so mind-opening, so heart-felt enriching to reach out when we feel we need to say something, to try to help. And we all benefit from it - a win-win situation. And yes, it does give us better perspective on our own situation.

Anyway, I'm pleased that your attitude to life and yourself is improving. Keep it up. A pleasant weekend to you, too, @RedHorse.