Feel so hurt and betrayed

I am sorry that I can't reply @Serezza my Mum has died suddenly today, my sibs are processing all of this in lockdown separately, and it is hard. All the best for your journey, Corny

Hi @Corny I am so sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you and your family and may my God give you love and comfort for this time 🙏🙏🙏

Thank you @Serezza for your kind thoughts.

I hope that you are not too distressed at this time.

Don't waste your life on someone that doesn't respect you, let alone love you.

We only have one life and then its over.

Even if your self respect has gone out the window recently, you can get it back with time and hard work, not every sticks therapy out, all the best Corny

Thanks @Corny, this is how I know he is toxic - when I act as if I don't need him or want him, or that i'm open to other men being attracted to me, he is nice to me. But if I show that I need him, or that I'm jealous, then he uses that against me, as if he's just gotten the upper hand. Then he acts all arrogant, threatening me that if I'm not careful, he'll leave me.

ive always been more of a thinker than a feeler, so it's like I'm watching my emotions. And this is what I'm seeing right now - I'm feeling like I wish he would leave. If only he knew how arrogant his words sound to someone who wishes he would go away so that God could give me someone who loved me as I should be loved. I wish he would stop throwing me these bread crumbs and I wish I could say to him, I want you to go so I can start living my life with people who appreciate me and enjoy my company. Yeah my heart will break but that's not the worst thing in the world because I'll get over you. Yeah you can try to take away my kids and my assets but that's ok, that's not the worst because I believe in a God who restores all broken things and even if He chooses not to in my case, I've never been afraid of work and if I have to work off a big loan again I'll do it.

Oh my goodness @Serezza, there's your evidence he's bluffing with the divorce, that until he finds someone else that will actually have him in a full on relationship, and not some wireless-make-believe-bluetooth online-world he will never leave. Lots of mind games and pettiness, but no real action.

If I ever give advice that is too direct or a bit full on just remember where I am in my journey. I am 11 years post controlling, aggressive male in my life (lots of DV from early childhood), and I am in the middle of organising my Mum's funeral who was also a victim of DV and suffered profoundly with schizophrenia for decades.

I am not a lawyer and can't give advice you have to get that independently, but I am pretty sure that its not like in America where it is often a 50/50 asset split but a judge would look at contributions made during the relationship. But more than that, if my partner said those words to me it would make me wonder if that is what they wanted from me from the beginning of the relationship; which is so painful. I've never had a lot of money so I would never attract any gold diggers, but I have been rejected because I don't have a big house, fancy clothes and an expensive car. It hurt at first but I look back now and go, jeez Corny, you and that person are SO different, I wouldn't be emotionally satisfied with an avoidant person. And that was a long time ago. I am not the same person I was 12 or 13 years ago.

As for the bread crumbs, he knows you still love him and he is manipulating that bond you have and that hope you held for so long that he was your life partner to grow old with. You probably hate yourself for being so affected by him emotionally & for making you cry so easily, but until you can get some distance from him and ideally eventually go no contact it will be really hard to create some new brain connections. It makes it doubly hard that he has addictions that you have been paying for. This would delight him. I can tell that him not working and contributing financially to the relationship is a real sore point. You must feel so disrespected. Anyone in your position would feel the same way. I haven't had a working parent since I was 11 years old. Your husband takes his health and ability to participate in work in some form completely for granted. I wish I could be a contributor, be useful, have a routine outside my mind and have colleagues again to talk silliness with and go to the pub after work to complain about the manager. I cry when I think of the times Mum said to me, "I have no friends because I can't work". The government and business community has locked us out. In other cultures, and in other societies we wouldn't be marginalised, we would have a place, but not in this culture.

I am wondering if your husband has any parents, siblings or extended family alive that he could move in with. His behaviour has made it perfectly clear that he isn't going anywhere despite his threats. He looks really silly, people will lose respect for him very fast as he exposes his weakness.

You say that you've always been more of a thinker than a feeler, from memory that is a left hemisphere person...I could be wrong, but love defies logical reasoning, it is so illogical, so don't be hard on yourself if this relationship makes your head spin. But maybe your job requires you to be analytical and it sounds like you do really long hours so that probably spills over into home life. And also your husband has a mental illness, and when we are unwell we most definitely do not make any sense.

It sounds like unless you initiate the separation it will never happen and that your husband will never leave. He'll continue to make threats and if this goes on for years friends will fall away very fast, they will roll their eyes and be sick of hearing about it. He has to have someone to control to feel strong inside, when he is the opposite.

I don't know what state you are in but lockdowns may make logistics more difficult right now. We're having a hard time organising Mum's funeral and the funeral lady said there could be delays or we could be rushed at the last minute before any further restrictions....

I might listen to a podcast now @Serezza . I have the softest doonie on me, its really snuggly, Corny .