Feel so hurt and betrayed

I really feel these situations are gender neutral @Serezza , I have been betrayed by both men and women in my family of origin, and women romantically. The last women I was seeing put me at risk of contracting HIV from her other life I was told was way way way over, but it wasn't. Do you think she bothered to tell me. Nup. She did not even give a damn about my physical health let alone what she did to me mentally and emotionally when I was at a dark place with my cPTSD and family. I was furious!, livid!, and Dr Kindness & my GP went crazy. I haven't told my sibs.....it would get ugly, so I keep that under my hat. But it made me realise she didn't even respect me on the most fundamental of levels, merely a human level. She was so up herself she couldn't even grant me basic health concern. I hate myself for ever getting involved with her. Yesterday was the 11th anniversary of my father's suicide, so my head was very much in the space of those who have treated me like trash.

It's completely natural to be drawn back in by sexual and physical touch/intimacy @Serezza . And you have described long periods of loneliness and isolation so it would be very hard to resist that pull. If you have an anxious attachment style to boot, you're up against biology that was laid down in childhood. Go gently on yourself. It takes time to stop beating yourself up about it, but try just for 1 minute per day to go inside and tame the inner voice that constantly puts us down.

Lockdowns have intensified a lot of relationship conflicts. My sibs have mates that have split up,and it has definitely put a strain on things, I feel for you having that complication. Does he have family near by he could live with? He isn't working and isn't tied to an area.

But yes, I am still worried about him feeding you crumbs, while he gets all his ducks lined up so he can pursue this new women and have his finances in tact.

I think that seeking counselling is a great idea. To have a 3rd person who is detached and can just listen and help you with these tornadoes of feelings you have to cope with right now, and the wounds that will last for years, would be an immense help.

I hope you have a soft loving friend or sib near by that can comfort you at this time @Serezza

Corny

@CornyThank you for clearing it up straight away for me that it is a gender neutral issue, nipping it in the bud before I could become a man hater lol. I'm so sorry lovely, about the anniversary of your father's suicide and what that awful woman did to you. One thing I know for sure from my faith, it is never our fault for the people we had chosen to love, regardless of how they turned out. The world may try to deceive us otherwise but God does not oblige us to be smart. All he requires of us is to be kind. We don't possess crystal balls to see in the future which ways characters will slip and slide. As long as throughout we have done our best to do the right thing by everyone we come across in this life, that is our victory won. And that is religion-neutral by the way so you are welcome to claim that too.

I have been surprised by the outpouring of love and comfort that has come my way since my marriage breakdown. My closest friends take turns to be by my side each day and even those who I'm was only close to for some period in the past, or in another capacity, have only showed me love and compassion. One of them was in a meeting at work when she saw my message and when she called me straight afterwards, she told me she almost cried in the meeting because she felt so heartbroken for me, which was very touching. They are all going out of their way to remind me of all the nice things about me. Normally I can't bear compliments but at this time, I welcome them to combat the criticisms and devaluation which seem to be piled on me suddenly. Out of consideration for my husband, I chose to be in the habit of making friends with mostly married men, and also getting to know their wives. Even my male friends have offered their support, with the approval of their wives who trust me. One thing I can say about myself, I know there are some things I could have done better with my husband because I am flawed, imperfect and a terrible communicator, but I have always tried to do the right thing by him and everyone. There I am blameless and I hope that counts for something in the world of God's karma.

That's so lovely @Serezza that you have your pals around you, you sound very loved. I hope that you can tell people at your church community what is happening, I think it will give you some strength, cos it will go straight to the heart-space, instead of the head-space. I'm so envious you can work, and be immersed in something other than emotional pain, don't take it for granted. Be a good employee, get to work on time and if it is possible try to not be involved in too much politics, but also stick up for yourself and what you believe to be true. These sorts of characters can be found in the work place too and destroy your career if they wanted. I hope that you have permanency and aren't on a temporary contract or casual employee. It's a rare thing these days.

I guess your friend almost crying in a meeting upon hearing the news is because it is a universal pain. A lot of people have been there. At least you aren't alone in that. It's a different sort of pain compared to other losses, death and loss of other relationships. I guess it is the sexual and physical closeness that makes it hurt in another way.

I can tell by the way that you think that you must have an element of your job that involves problem solving. You have tried many different ways to fix your marriage and thought of lots of different angles. You also must have to use logic at work, because I can see you trying to use it when it comes to this marriage breakdown......unfortunately logic defies matters of the heart, and as you say, none of us have a crystal ball. But it sounds like you have both male and female friends and that is great because then you can compare. We get trapped in these bubbles with abusive people, the wall close in, and we lose perspective. Now that you are not just in his bubble your perspective will start to shift in a good way. It will become more balanced.

We're all flawed @Serezza . I most definitely am, and have made mistakes in life. But I think it is the behaviour that follows the mistake, that indicates who we are. I cringed reading Faith&Hopes other thread because it reminded me how flawed I have been in the past. I slept with someone once who was in a relationship at the time, I was single, but she most def was not. I am so ashamed of it, because it makes me like my father I think I was about 27. But then when life threw me a shock in the love department, again, the person was in a relationship. When feelings started to become reciprocated I told her flat out and firm, we are not having a sexual relationship until this one you're in is completely over, for good. Completely over. We didn't. But later on she told me it was, and we did. I don't believe her relationship was ever over, she lied. So now I feel like my father all over again when I was trying to not make the same mistake again. I was played. It makes me sick to my stomach I may have slept with someone that wasn't actually available. I found out she also got in touch with her ex-high school boyfriend/fiance, had him over for dinner in a mini skirt all flirty just the 2 of them, gee I wonder what went on, and that she was also still in love with another ex from college and contacted him while stringing me along, to tell him she still loves him, and always will and has never stopped! What a fool am I! I hate myself today.

Any-hoo enough about me. All the best @Serezza I am so glad you have pals around. I am seeing my lil sib this arvo and her teddy bear with 4 legs, he gives the best cuddles. Corny

Hey @Corny I am amazed at how much you are able to deduce from my character and personality from a few simple things. I work a very comfortably paid consultancy role that unfortunately because it's so well paid also requires me to dedicate more time to it than I'd like but it is project work and once that's done I don't know what I'll do for distraction, spend more time with my kids I guess now that my marriage is undone!

Thankyou for being so frank and honest about your past regrets. You'll get no judgement from me. I'm no saint myself and I've been sifting through my past and the things I could have done wrong to have brought me here. My second boyfriend while during university days was someone who I could have treated better, or just left if I had the courage to, but didn't. I cheated on him a few times because I was subject to a lot of emotional abuse from him and resented him but every time I tried to break off that relationship, he would guilt trip me into staying. Still, no excuse to cheat because of the spiritual consequences that come after you in the future. I never loved him and I feel guilty that I didn't. I keep wondering if my inability to love him is punishing me now, because the simple truth in my life is that my husband just doesn't love me enough. I keep racking up my brain to search for things to help provide some clue of why this is happening to me. Was I too occupied with lifestyle and titles and money during my marriage? Just because I'm less concerned with those things in comparison to others I know doesn't mean they don't have the power to destroy my life. So I guess you are right, I keep looking for a logical reason for why things that are happening but I just have to accept that it doesn't work that way.

I can feel your hurt while you retell your experience and I wish it could be lifted for you. I too can't understand the lack of commitment in some personalities, how does one person tell someone they are committed and love them while in the background they are jumping from person to person. As human beings, we weren't made to withstand that kind of hurt and betrayal. We were created for intimate relationships, whether platonic or romantic, and we were created to be loyal to the end. I wish there was some way to lesson to lessen your burden. I'm a little traumatised by the belittling I've received from my husband for my faith and almost too scared to bring up anything related but what the heck, I've found that after battling demons all night and waiting for the dawn, what helps me is the moment I let it go to God, when I say out loud that I've given up and it's His Will I want, not my own, regardless of what it is my heart yearns for (which you very well know what that is) then the peace comes ... until the night time again anyway.

That's such a pity that it is project work that you are in @Serezza ,maybe its the nature of your industry that it will never be permanent. But it would come with some perks. It sounds like the kind of role that you can work remotely and not be tied down into one geographical place like a major city. That flexibility would be wonderful to have.

Your husband would find it very emasculating that you are the earner. His behaviour indicates that he has a lot of jealousy towards you. You're outgoing, have an eclectic group of friends, to me that indicates a more supple mind, whereas he seems very rigid in his man cave. Do people really go chasing women they meet in online chat rooms....

I don't think that you should be down on yourself for being driven and wanting material comforts, status and wealth even though you have a foundation of Christian values. From a mental health perspective, not having any material well-being, social status and financial security lands people in misery and suffering for the rest of their lives. Don't take your health for granted, that you are still able to be self-sufficient. There are not many families out there these days that can live on one income, and your ex-husband takes this totally for granted. That is not the norm, only the very small minority. He has lost all perspective in his man cave.

Re: saying that you were never in love with a university ex-boyfriend and maybe you feel that your god is giving you a taste of your own medicine now......I don't really believe in that sort of stuff to be honest @Serezza . I don't like the idea that you frame current experiences as 'punishment'. Maybe the Universe does operate that way, none of us can be sure, we all place our bets with our beliefs, but none of us has been proven right or wrong, but it just seems a little simplistic. Maybe also being of the LGBT rainbow, this sort of thinking doesn't sit well with me. I hope you don't mind.

I think if you ever get to a place where maybe you want to start seeing other men again, that you go for people in a similar life space as yourself. Someone with a full-time job, that works long hours, that despite any health problems they may have, is making a concerted effort to manage it. Someone that takes action.

I can relate to this, kind of, sort of, but know the raw emotions of it: because the simple truth in my life is that my husband just doesn't love me enough.......

even though this is incredibly painful to realise, I think it is a very important step in closing this chapter. You could fill your head with all sorts of excuses, but the fact of the matter is, he just doesn't feel it.

It hurts like hell once you get there, it hurts your heart and your head, your ego and your pride, but you can't move on with life until you face the stark reality. The women I fell in love with isn't even capable of falling in love with me......she wasn't a total con-artist, more emotionally immature for her years, has a big ego and was trying to get a reaction out of her man. The long and short of it is that she used me, she masqueraded as a bisexual person, when really she is a straight person who couldn't handle the rejection from a man, so thought she'd pretend she was into women to get back at him. She objectified me, and I fell for it. Chatting to friends apparently a lot of straight chicks do this and use gay people in this way. I refer to these women as Bi4TheBoys......they are sexually hetero, but pretend that they are these, exotic, fascinating, kinky, devilish chicks to draw men in and make them jealous. I watched Carol on Netflix the other night and it was painful watching the husband come to terms with the fact that he had fallen in love with someone who can't love him back.....I could relate to it. It is humiliating.

If you do get back out there @Serezza I want you to meet someone that can love you for real. I am not saying that you will, there is a lot of luck involved in that, but don't give your time and energy to someone that just doesn't feel it, for whatever reason, be it something fundamental or just circumstantial. And really we are a-holes, cos we have rejected people that we just haven't felt it for......it does hurt your ego, but life is too short.

I agree we are built to bond, but Dr Kindness said to me that not all hearts are capable of love. That I am lucky to have a hear that can, despite the evil I have expereinced in my early life. He's worked in forensics and prisons, and says that not all people are capable of it, they are built differently, self focused to the n-th........maybe that is true, I don't know. It will be a drawn out process, but you have a lot of great things in your life. Don't let him string you along and deceive you, best, Corny

Just dropping you a line @Serezza to make sure that your husband hasn't turned into a limp biscuit.

It happens.

And he couldn't be blamed if he doesn't have my strength. Dr K refers to it as 'my mystery'. I say, to Dr K, "Dr K, would you call it an essence?", "Yes maybe an essence, but at the very least a total mystery".

Anyway @Serezza I hope that you are well and you aren't being led on any longer. It rained a little last night, but Sydney has been very dry. The ABC just said that winters in Sydney are getting on average 2 weeks shorter. The police are out in forces in the parks. Corny

Thanks heaps @Corny for checking in on me. I am still being led on, me and the lowlife home wrecker have swapped places. I am the one being used for sex who he feels guilty about afterwards and she has his undying love and affection.

I've been feeling quite numb about it all, just so that I'm able to do some work. But I can feel the toll on my mental health. We did have a talk and he has stopped flaunting their conversations in front of my face and has agreed to move out temporarily so that I can start the working of binding and protecting my heart while he is gone. We've also put our investment property on the market and I hope that sells soon so that he can be gone permanently. He wants joint custody of the kids and that hurt the most as I have never been separated from my babies ever. It feels like I did nothing to cause this and now will have to suffer being separated from them for half the year because of his selfish infatuation.

I still feel absolutely helpless and hopeless and betrayed and worthless. How do you get through this part??? I think being in lockdown makes things 100 times harder.

Hi @Serezza I am sorry that things haven’t got any better and you say that you have been replaced and his new love is being paraded in front of you.

While you’re both living under the same roof I can’t imagine how you could possibly keep any level of sanity in these circumstances. I would lose my mind and be placed in hospital.

Admittedly, I have no strength in the ‘attachment’ area of life compared to %99 of the population given my early life, but still…… Even if I had to sleep in the ridges of a fig tree, on the beach or in a carpark, I think I would feel less upset there, than in the home that you describe. That’s just me though, I admit I am not normal.

Could this all be smoke screen and mirrors? Like how much of this ‘other women’ is actually real? She could just be an apparition on a TV screen, and your husband is trying to get a reaction out of you….only you know what is really going on with your husband, but you describe it as a ‘selfish infatuation’. It doesn’t sound like there is much substance there….I’m not saying this to get your hopes up of a reconciliation, but more that I am worried that he is just stringing you along, and toying with you.

I've never been married so I won't fake understanding what you are going through. But I know how much it hurts, when someone doesn't want you. For me, the end of the relationship and the way she discarded me, was the most revelatory moment in the coupling.

It's like, the way in which she got rid of me, was a portal that revealed the sincerity (or in my case insincerity) of her feelings from when we first met, if that makes sense.

I was a ghost. She was so up herself and her ego so hurt by the men she truly wanted in her earlier life, but which she had never processed their rejection......instead she pretended she wanted me, but I knew in my heart of hearts it wasn't authentic. I was authentic,,,,but she wasn't....hence the head screw. I dunno if I have made any sense.....but sometimes what we feel inside is not mirrored. Like, at all! We think that the person feels the same, they tell us they do....but we find out later, they most definitely do not. Even worse, we've been played. Corny

@Serezza I didn't articualte myself that well in my last post, I was trying to watch a show at the same time, and I don't have a good brain for multi-tasking.....but what I was trying to get at is, that despite being deeply in love with someone, you can't give up on yourself!

You have to keep your self respect.

If you don't, you will gradually descend into a dark depression.

Anyways if you're in lockdown I hope that you are travelling along OK with your consultations...

Oh jeez man is that the time, I better run and pop my morning Aspirin for my psy-cho-cho....I wouldn't want to go mad again, I am liable to say something outrageous and end up on the Death Star like I often do. Outrageous, but true! Corny

Thanks @Corny but I think I have no control over my self respect. Perhaps it was my self respect that asked him to leave and go somewhere else for a few weeks so that I could heal, bind and protect my heart when he comes back.

i personally don't think there is much in the online relationship, but there is certainly enough to destroy my marriage, family and assets. And to be honest, it was so difficult those past few years when I had to bear alone not having enough money for the kids that I couldn't do it again. If I had to go back to a large mortgage, and no money for the kids extracurricular, I couldn't do it this time. Some things are even too much for me to bear.

I'm so sorry about the hurt she caused and brought to you. Do you remember what it was about her that made you love her in the first place? I hope she does have some redeeming qualities. I was thinking today about how some people, having been hurt and rejected, feel the need to keep inflicting it on, creating new and more cycles of destruction. I think she is one of them. I hope you do find a healthy and beautiful love one day. I believe in the God who restores, who doesn't prevent the hurts that humans bring to other humans, but afterwards heals and restores them to a better life than was possible before the hurt. That is what I'd love to see for you. There's nothing you can do about the people in your past and childhood, but there is still a future that can make up for every pain and hurt you ever felt.

I'm operating on autopilot at the moment. I thought about engaging a lawyer and when I do this I go through the pros and cons checklist in my head and today thought, I don't have the energy for this. If I need a lawyer, my body will just call the damn number. Instead, I found myself contacting my old therapist who I had engaged when I was feeling creatively blocked a few years ago and I had to switch the counselling to dealing with my husband's new illness (at the time he had just gotten diagnosed). She had time slots available immediately from this week and there you go, autopilot's done the task. I've also engaged a personal trainer/ body belief coach who is going to personally hold my hand through any self care I need to do, and to be honest, I don't remember much about how I engaged her. I think I might have messaged her at 3am one morning.