@saltandpepper wrote:
Thanks for the support @bipolarbunny what changed for you after 14 years--if you don't mind me asking?
@saltandpepper I completely agree with @Powderfinger , in that perspective and being able to seperate the depression from who you are as a person is everything.
My turn around came very slowly and was not easy. It came gradually with a lot of hard work and honest self reflection. I guess the two main tipping points were reaching the point where I was sick and tired of being a victim of my illness and a particularly bad incident with a family member who has physically and mentally bullied me my entire life, which tipped me over the edge. I have always had passive SI, but this day was the first time I felt the urge to go through with it. I am an all or nothing person, so I knew this was it. If I decided to do it, it was going to happen. But I guess some small part of me wasn't ready to give up and I spent 40 mins on the phone with LifeLine instead of going through with it. I was inconsolable but I made a promise to the phone counsellor that I would see my GP.
I have always been an inquisitive person so when I was diagnosed I learned all I could about my condition. I have bipolar and c-ptsd. I'd seen psychologist's and tried different meds and tried things on my own too. But one thing that seemed to always remain was that I was stuck in this bubble of sh*t ere I mean mental illness. I lost myself to the depression and just couldn't seem to fight my way out. I felt like I was drowning and I'd fight my way to the surface for a mouthful of air only to be pulled back under again. One day after a particularly hard and long episode, I had a moment of clarity. For some reason my brain pulled me out of the bubble I was in and I started looking at it from an outsider's perspective. I started questioning what my depression was telling me, what I was feeling as opposed to what I knew deep down about myself intellectually. I started to see I wasn't a loser, it was just a part of my brain trying to convince me I was. So I seperated it in my head from the rest of me. Started referring to it as the black dog, the beast, the army of darkness. I knew my condition was incurable, life long and I knew there would always be excruciating pain to deal with and I guess I just decided I either face it on my knees or I face it with my head up high knowing who I was. And then the next day I'd wake up and it would be all too hard and I'd go back to pity town. But that moment of clarity stuck in my head. I'd think about it often. So I started looking for the smallest moments of mercy from the depression each day. A song, a block of chocolate, a hot shower, the sun on my face, splinters of calm in a barrage of sh*t and I just let myself feel those moments for what they were. I also looked into mindfulness meditation which I felt was pretty useless at first, but then I realised these little fleeting moments I was allowing myself to feel were just that. Me keeping myself present, not being overwhelmed by life, but just being in the moment.
Slowly these moments started to add up and then I really started actively looking for them. Then I started talking to myself in my head. If something negative came up, telling me I was a loser, I should end it or what ever. I'd visualise the beast and just tell it to f*ck off. Sometimes it worked sometimes it didn't. But what it did do is it seperated the depression from who I was. I was a person struggling with depression but I wasn't 100 percent the depression. And then I had the run in with my brother and everything crashed down again. But after I hung up the phone from LifeLine and stopped crying I realised I had a choice to make. I could end the pain once and for all or I could decide to live, pain and all. Continue to fight no matter how f*cking hard things got. But I couldn't live in pity town, cause I knew I'd end up straight back there in the dark again. Things were going to be painful no matter what, but they were going to be painful on my terms, not the depressions. And things are still hard, I still have the pain, but my depression no longer owns me, I own it. It kicks me in the ass and I take my licks, but gradually over time, my 6 months in the dark, one good day cycle has turned into 5 months, one good day, 5 months a good week, 3 months, a good fortnight and so on. And the self talk in my head never shuts up, but I continue to tell those thoughts to f*ck off and I continue to look for those amazing moments that happen each day. And they do happen, you just have to look for them. And the pity parties still happen, but they don't last nearly as long as they used to and each time I come out of a bad period I come out stronger and I enjoy the hell out of my good days. I celebrate them! I know I'm heading back there into the dark again and again and again, but I also know I'm coming out of it again and again and again. And I have no one to live for only me. I'm single, no kids, no family that support me. The only stable face to face relationship I have in my life is with my current therapist. But I am happier. Because I choose to face life in spite of all that. I choose to use the sh*t I've been through to try and help others. I choose to be worthy regardless, and often in spite of, the pain, depression and all the cray cray that comes with it. I know you can do it too. I honestly feel it in my heart that you are a hell of a lot stronger than you think. You sound like an amazing mum, and you are an amazing support for people on here. You already have the courage and strength and love in your heart. You've just gotta find a way to tap into that for yourself.
Sorry I've written you a novel. But I felt you deserved a thorough answer. I hope it is of some comfort to you to know things can change for the better. Take care xx
BB 🐰💙
