saltandpepperSenior Contributor
Band-aid
Everything has been feeling like a bandaid lately. Psychology, AD'S, alcohol, exercise, friends, family, everything that I'm trying to do to get through the day just feels like putting a bandaid on a gunshot wound. Nothing is making it better. Nothing.
It keeps coming in these debilitating waves where everything inside of me feels like it's crying out in pain. This heavy ache in my chest that pulls at me and drags me down is making living seem less and less like a possibility.
I've been better than this, I'm sure of it. But I've also been here, and I've also been worse. I'm sure if I can keep holding on that one day things will get easier and I'll be able to manage again. But I'm drowning waiting for that day to come. I'm trying. It doesn't look like it, but I am. It's not enough to just try though. Life isn't that kind.
I've reached out for help, I'm getting help. I make a point to catch up with my mates. I'm doing what I can. But nothing changes this constant battle going on in my head. All I seem to think about is how much I'd like to commit suicide. Those thoughts are becoming more frequent, I'm not sure I even managed to go 5 minutes without thinking about it today. It's always there. What a relief it would be to just let go and not have to live another second feeling like this. I wish I had that freedom. I wish I didn't have this responsibility. But I can't just leave, what would happen to my boy? All I want is to protect him. No one protected me. If I go, would I be sending him down this same path? I can't do that to him.
Everything inside of my feels like it's drowning in so much misery. It doesn't stop. It doesn't let up. Just so fu*king miserable that the only thing that I can imagine making it any better is ending it all. I wish I could die. I wish I could let go. I wish I could give up on this failed experiment of a life. I've pushed and pushed on for so long. I'm not sure I've ever felt joy, happiness, not really. Just this, day after day.
I'm so fu*king miserable and it won't let up. I just want it to stop. Nothing is working. Nothing ever works. Yeah I can talk to my therapist or go on the helplines and shit but it doesn't help. There's no cure, no way out of it, no way to heal, no way to move on, no way to leave it in the past. It always comes back to this. I always come back to this place. Hopeless. I wish there was someone in my life I could trust my son with. I just want to be done with this life. I want to be selfish and set myself free from this constant misery. I don't want to keep trying anymore.
