Band-aid

i get it @saltandpepper i really do. my head is really dark and scary at the moment. has been all week. im in a shitty place. my daughter hugs me, all i feel is guilt. she says she loves me, all i feel is guilt. i look at her, watch her place and all i feel is selfish guilt for the way that i think and feel. and how desperatly i dont want to be here. i feel so torn. some days i am scared at how impulsive i can be and i am very scared that one day she wont matter and i will act on it all.

i really do understand. please stay safe for your boy.

It doesn't get better @Oaktree it eases up, at least I think it did for a little while when I started medication. But it's never gone away. I've always lived with it. Despite being heavily medicated and seeing my therapist often it's still this fu*king hard to get through the fu*king day. It feels pointless. Hopeless. But I know you're right if I can fight through this and get to a point where I can manage again I'll be glad. Because of course I don't want to throw in the towel and leave my son. But I just don't want to keep carrying around all this pain with me

Yeah I hear you @Bow just guilt all the time. I spoke to my boy on the phone one time and he said he was proud of me (mimicking what I'd said to him) and it brought me to tears. I felt so guilty because I was drunk and going over it all in my head and then he wanted to call and talk to me and says that and it just broke my heart. Little fu*ker knows how to pull on the heart strings. And I fu*king love him more than I ever thought I could love anyone or anything. But yeah, those impulses, i hear you. And I have caved, there are times when I give in, but I'm still alive.

Thank you for sharing with me @Bow, it helps to know someone else is going through this but again so sorry you're here in this shitty place too

Oh sweetheart, I too have questioned my ability around parenting. Its always just been me since they were babies. I've questioned how there lives would have been better with other parents, or at least two. I'm grateful you have so much faith in me. I once read something along the lines of "YOU are the best parent for your child"

This is no different for your lil man @saltandpepper. YOU are the best parent for him sweetheart. YOU will keep him safe, YOU will provide him with unconditional love. YOU will teach him and guide him to become a man.

If he's half the man you are then he's a lucky boy.

It doesn't feel like it today but it's true. F@rk it's hard being a single parent let alone battling a mi to go with it.

Please believe me that there's hope, and help. You don't have to walk this path alone. You're a fighter S&P I can feel that in my bones.

I wish there was a way I could be there too, just to take the load off and reassure you it's going to be ok. Think we'd have some laughs and stories to tell. Gee I'm lucky to know you 🙏

I hate that you're in pain. It hurts my heart, I mean that. I wish you could see yourself the way we all do. You're like a bright star. You stood out to me, your kind soul, always there for others hurting. Let us be here for you now xox

I like what @Anastasia 🙂

I think kids know when we need them the most. My d has been extra clingy lately. Is constantly reminding me that she loves me. One night recently when I was having really bad si thoughts she woke up crying. She would not settle and could not tell me what was wrong other than just needing to be with me. It rocked me a fair bit. Like she knew where my head was at and telling me to stay.

parenting is hard. It's really hard when you have a mi.

@Anastasia despite all my flaws I do feel that way. I feel like no one is going to protect him or watch over him the way i can. And I want to be strong for him. I want to put all of my shit aside and just be there for him. But I'm drowning here. It keeps getting harder to pull out of. It keeps hurting. I feel like I've hit a brick wall with therapy in that we've talked about it all, we've worked through techniques and shit like that, but that's the end of it. There's no end to the pain it's just learning to live alongside it. I wish I was strong enough to say I can do that. But I don't know if i can. I've always thought suicide will be the way I go. Always. That hasn't changed. Sometimes it's all I want and nothing else trumps that. I wish I was sane. Normal. Not struggling every fu*king day. Im just useless. I'm not a role model. The best I can manage is to stay alive. But it's not a life. It's not living. It's just surviving. And that's all I've ever done, survive. I'm sick of this and sick of feeling sorry for myself. It's just fu*king pathetic. How can I think of offing myself and leaving my little boy here in this shitty fu*ked up world on his own? What kind of a selfish pri*k does that. I hate myself. I hate my mind. I hate the stupid fu*king relentless depression that keeps me from doing anything with my life. Just hate everything about me and my life. I just can't stand it.

@Bow that's incredible and heart breaking. I sure hope she didn't know what was happening in your head but kids just seem to see and feel so much. It's scary what they pick up on. My boy even notices a change in my voice, something I hadn't even noticed when I'm really depressed and struggling even to talk. He notices it and asks me why I'm talking like that and if I'm sad. That makes me feel guilty too. Knowing I'm trying to spare him from seeing me like this but knowing I'm not hiding it as well as I'd thought.

I'm really glad you've shared with me @Bow it's helping to hear your side of things. Thank you for making me feel less alone

I hear you @saltandpepper

I'm sorry you're drowning.

I can't pretend to know how bad that feels but I've witnessed my boy to understand how much of an impact it has on your life and I am so sorry, sorry that this wretched illness has such a hold over you. I'm sorry that it's robbing you of the ability just to live. That dear S&P is unforgivable.

It must be scary to think how strong you need to be and yet not able to imagine being able to be for another minute. I hear how you just want the pain to stop. I would too. Life was not meant to be this difficult, right?

And hey, your not selfish, you're not a pr1ck. You're hurting, I hear you.

I just want to break through this screen and hold you and reassure you that this too WILL pass. Please know that I won't leave your side. I'll walk with you for as long as it takes and hold you up when you stumble. Can I tell you the amount of times you've done that for me I have lost count of.

I'm a believer in the Universe and it's powers and we crossed paths for a reason @saltandpepper please don't lose sight of that. Our friendship is not by accident. We were meant to connect 🙏💕

Together we've got this x

@Bow I'm sorry you're hurting sweetheart 😔💔🤗🤗🤗🤗