Caring for my husband who makes up stories about me

Hello @enngem and welcome to the forums 🙂

I'm glad you found us. 💕

This is a safe place to offload and chat to others who share similar stories or can just lend an ear or advice. I am sure you'll find the support amongst members to help you navigate your difficult situation. You most certainly are not alone lovely.

I am so sorry for all that you are going through, it sounds distressing and I can imagine you are grieving the relationship you once had.

I will tag some social threads for you to drop in for a light chat and meet some members. Hot Chocolate Anyone ? Good Morning Good Afternoon - Afternoon Tea

If you want to tag someone just pop an @ at the start of my name and they'll receive a notification. 🙏💕

Hi @enngem

I just wanted to reach out and offer you some support

Oh my goodness! I’m so sorry to hear about what’s happening for you

As I read your story, I could really hear a sense of despair, frustration and sheer and utter concern and exhaustion I also heard what sounded like a sense of powerlessness, as despite all of your attempts to communicate your concerns to the professionals involved in your husbands care, your concerns (for the most part) have gone unheard

I just wanted to say that despite your experiences, I think that you’ve done an incredible job of advocating for yourself and your husband and I’m just so sorry to hear that despite your very best efforts, you haven’t received the support that you so desperately need

You mentioned that you contacted the ‘mental health triage team’ and I just ever so gently wondered if you could share a little bit more about your experience - in particular how you were hoping that they may be able to support you?

I can also really hear your concerns in relation to attending relationship counselling and as I read this part of your story, I was really interested to understand what your husband meant when he said that he has made an appointment with a relationship counsellor to enable you ‘to work on the next step?’

However, although I would love to be able to better understand your experiences, I'm also really aware that it may not feel safe and / or comfortable for you to share these parts of your life and so I just ever so gently wanted to reassure you that there’s absolutely no pressure or expectation for you to share anything that doesn’t feel comfortable for you

I’m so pleased to hear that you’re receiving some support with a Psychologist and from what you’ve described she sounds supportive and as though she has some insights into what may be happening. With this in mind, I just wondered if she can provide some guidance in terms of how you can support your husband to access the necessary care and support, whilst safely creating some opportunities for you to be able to share your knowledge and insights about what’s happening for him with the clinicians who are involved in his care?

With everything that’s happening for you, it’s completely understandable that you feel lost and overwhelmed and as though you’re ‘are at the end of your tether.’ As such, I just ever so gently wanted to encourage you to consider contacting the SANE helpline for some additional support

Basically, the helpline is staffed by qualified mental health professionals who provide support to people who are living with complex mental health issues and also to the people who support them

I’ve contacted the helpline on several occasions and I’ve always had a really positive experience where I felt supported and understood

If you would like to contact them, their telephone number is:

1800 18 7263.

Sometimes it can be difficult to get through on the telephone, but if this is something that you’re interested in you’re more than welcome to schedule an appointment via their website - that way you can guarantee that you’ll be able to talk with someone on a day that best works for you I’ve just included the link below, in case this is something that you would like to explore further.

https://www.sane.org/counselling-support

In addition to telephone support, they also provide support via web chat and email.

The helpline operate Monday to Friday from 10.00am until 10.00pm AEST.

Also, just while I remember, one of the things that really helped me when I was new to the forums and still finding my way around, was that if you would like to chat with another forum member, or reply to one of their posts, place @ in front of their username just like I did at the start of my post to you i.e. @enngem that way, they will receive a message that you have contacted them

Please remember that you’re always welcome to reach out here whenever you need Nothing is too big or too small and you’re welcome to share whatever feels safe and comfortable for you (as long as what we share adheres to the community guidelines )

Thinking of you and sending you some gentle hugs

ShiningStar

@enngem

Hello enngem,

I don't normally respond to posts about which I know very little. However, there seem to be two issues for you at the present time.

1. The very real and difficult problem that your husband appears to be unaware of in terms of his behaviour.

2. Your health and welfare, particularly in relation to coping with and trying to get assistance towards resolution of a problem that would seem extremely difficult for you or anyone else to understand.

It seems to me that your life has developed from one of mutual support, understanding and enjoyment in your relationship, to a situation that is more difficult than living alone. You appear, at the present time, to be now coping for yourself and your husband and supporting him virtually as a carer. All this, while your husband seems totally unaware of the strain and consequent stress that you are experiencing.

For you, I believe, it will be important to be very attentive to your own health and welfare, so that your circumstance will not progress to a stage where you both need extra assistance simply to cope with life.

You have started your own support structure, in already having sought the advice and assistance of a psychologist. It would be my hope that your discussions with your psychologist will be centred on maintaining support for you.

Unfortunately, because of the development of confidentiality protection, over the years, unless your husband were to allow you access to the information given or shared in his professional support environment, or in other special circumstances, you will have difficulty in knowing exactly what he and you are dealing with.

Again I feel it worthwhile encouraging you to maintain access to support for yourself.

On this forum there is a great deal of information to be gained by reading about other people's experiences with mental health issues on their own account and as carers or concerned partners, friends and associates of those experiencing MH issues.

Because of anonymity here on the forum, it is possible to be quite specific with regards to the factors such as symptoms, carer concerns, self-care, questions about the conditions that you, or a person about whose welfare you are concerned, are experiencing. Any information, advice or questions need to comply with the “Guidelines & Info”

I believe that as other members become aware of your concerns, they will offer what information that they believe may be of help to you.

With my very Best Wishes

HenryX

Tagging:

1. To alert a person or draw their attention to a message that you have posted, you add the @ symbol in front of their forum name, to change the name to a forum address. enngem = Forum name; @enngem = Forum address
   

2. For example; I would flag your attention by adding anywhere into a message @enngem, as I have done at the beginning of this message to you. You would tag me by adding @HenryX any where in a message that you wanted me to be aware of.

3. Near the top right side of the forum page, the word “NEW” is placed to the right of “Guidelines & Info”. Left-clicking on the word “NEW” will take you to the “Your Notifications” page where any messages relating to you, or in which you have been interested, are shown, like the following:

   {“Anastasia @mentioned you in
   Re: newbie.”}

4. To access the message, left-click on the thread title

   “Re: newbie” which will then take you to the messages on that thread.

5. A number in a circle, adjacent to the word “NEW5” (as in point 3. will alert you that there are that number of messages, where other forum members have “tagged” you.

Cheers,

HenryX

Hey @enngem

I just wanted to pass on this video regarding gaslighting. I am not saying your husband is gaslighting you but more to be aware of the continuous nature of being blamed can have a real long-term affect on you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y3t-Jvrr2OY

Memories can be directly affected by feelings at the time, so I would recommend you keep a diary. Do you have any other good friends you have in your support network?

Do you feel like you are heading into a crisis yourself and is there anyone else who can provide care if you take time out to look after yourself such as your son?

Hi @AussieRecharger and thanks for your reply.

Funny, my husband has accused me many times of gaslighting him because I've been the one to say to him that something is wrong and he needs to get help. He recently started Telling me I'm the one with the delusional problem and not him.

Thanks for that video. I could definitely relate. And yes, I am starting to feel the effects of this constant barrage. I'm not at a crisis point yet but some days I feel like I'm heading in that direction. Mainly because I feel like I can't get the help he needs, and because it is so constant.

I've been writing things down all year to keep a record of what's been going on.

I don't have family very close by but they will come if I ask and I have some school mum friends who will take my son. I also have a 1 year old so Friday's are my day while she is in care 🙂

Hi @ShiningStar,

In regards to your question about contacting the mental health triage team....

I was so desperate for some support the other day that I didn't know who else to contact. So I rang them to find out if there was anything more my husband could be accessing that may help.

I explained the situation to the person I spoke with, hoping they might understand what's happening with him. I think she did understand, and confirmed what I was doing was right, and all that I could do.

With regard the the relationship counselling....

We attended once before at the request of my husband (who thinks all these issues are relationship issies and not his mental health). It was a disaster. He talked the whole time about all the accusations. The counsellor at the end of the 2nd session (on the same day) said it wasn't anything he could help with.

My husband then blamed this on the counsellor being a social worker and not skilled enough.

My husband now tells me his psychiatrist has told him that seeing a relationship counsellor is the next step for us, and that his psychiatry sessions will be finishing soon.

This is not the impression I got when speaking with the psychiatrist prior to their last appointment.

We are at the point now that what the psychiatrist has told me, however general, is very different to what my husband is telling me that the psychiatrist says to him.

So yeah, we are doing the session tomorrow because that's apparently what the psychiatrist has told hubby, but I don't believe that's true.

My psychologist has been very helpful in terms of liaising through our shared GP to get hubby the psychiatrist referral. She's away at the moment but hoping I can see her again soon.

I am going to tag @SJT63 because she might have a bit more input than I regarding the relationship side of things and can probably add a lot of value here.

What happened before December and do you know if any life events occurred to cause these issues? It might sound funny, but could it be related to your child and some sort of Post natal depression for him?

@AussieRecharger thanks for the tag

@enngem I dont' know a whole lot about ptsd, my partner is a bipolar and on the autism spectrum - he also has been told he has ptds from his divorce, and that manifests itself in assuming everything I say is a personal criticism... but he doesn't accuse me of the things you talk about.

I have read though, that it's quite common in a manic phase, or with borderline or several other conditions.

I know that he worries a lot about me leaving him becasue he knows how badly he bahaves sometimes and one day I may have had my fill. ... but he isn't paranoid that like and "if" he manipulates me it's in other ways.

I say "if" because he is a bit Jekkyl and Hyde - when he's himself he doesn't do it, but when manic he is very manipulative. I am lucky enough to have an open line of communication with his psychiatrist and psychologist and sometimes attend sessions with him. Sometimes I will message his pshycologist and she calls me back to chat about what's going on with him, then it can be raised at their next meeting. He knows I do this and is supportive me having an input.

Mr S is very sick, but recognises it, and that is 80% of the battle.

20 years ago, a man who refused to acknowledge that he was depressed, and insisted I was the one who had problems, became my ex-husband - but that was after about 5 years of trying to convince him to get help.

I'm probably not much help I'm afraid, but I do know how exhausting it is living with these men.

@AussieRecharger thanks for your reply. It is actually nice to know I am not alone as I was starting to feel like I was going a bit mad!