Wobbly after Hospital

Hope you have plenty groceries now.

@Rosemary4

I have not met too many people who have lost a sibling to suicide. It has not been long. We have a bit in common. I did not answer at first because I hoped others would respond. it is a huge experience, and I did not want to swamp you with mine. Your loss would be pretty raw still.

It was good to read a little about her and your relationship. Is there any small memorialisiing of her that you can do. Crafty, photo or just a candle or something. Something that externalises the loss so its not ALL inside, and you can focus and calm yourself in the positive aspects, there is enough of the sad.

We are both older sisters. My sister was 4 years younger. It makes a difference to the shape of the experience I think. I could relate a lot to your post especially ...

QUOTE "And thanks for condolences re my sister, she struggled so long, i kinda knew she'd pull it off one day but ya never prepared for it, the finality. She was 5yrs younger than me and quite the trendsetter, always trying to get me to wear more makeup and stuff. She wore black a lot "mourning her lost childhood" she use to joke. Had humour. We talked a lot, said I was the only one who understood her upbringing nightmare, what it was like. Actually, I didn't like being a sounding board for bitching about mum etc But I understand it & we were both lonely. Yes, it has rocked my world to lose her.. Feels too hard to go on without her, someone clo , nobody to really connect with on the little thngs"

A couple of days ago was my sis' birthday.... it has become a bit of a delicate anniversary for me now. My sister passed over 30 years ago. Yes she made many earlier attempts too. edited.

Make the best of being at home, and tag me anytime you think it would help. I did eventually go to a SIBLINGS group for 'support after suicide", but it was only a couple of years ago. Not sure what is available in your area.

Apple

Hi @ShiningStar and thank you for your empathy and for the contacts for support. Really don't have the energy for reaching out. Wish services came to me. Even once a week for a while, or less, I'd rather be alone than with bunch hostile hurting strangers. Dr once told me to stay at women's refuge, rather than spend the night alone suicidal, but one woman starts acting out with weapon that triggered me (past abuse)

@Appleblossom I am sorry you lost your little sister too. Being an older sibling kinda leaves a feeling of responsibility, similar to a parent maybe, it's just wrong, them first, and not being together enough to be a better big sister for her 😢 makes me so sad.

Yes, I ducked out quickly to grab milk and bread.

@Rosemary4

One thing I learned to separate out after a long time, was my yearning to be with her and missing her which became part of my own suicidal ideation. It took a long time to tease out thinking about her and honouring her life as she was, rather than escalating my thinking with all the could ofs ...

A once per week visit at home, after discharge, would a huge improvement in delivery of services. It need not always take 2 workers like CAT team .... why they have not instigated that ALREADY is beyond me.

Honour your own feelings about readiness to be more social. Joining the forum social activities can be a little help and distract, but does not demand too much energy.

Gently Bently

Apple

Hi @Rosemary4

It’s lovely to hear from you

With everything that’s happening for you, it makes so much sense that you just don’t have the energy to reach out to anyone at this time

Absolutely! It would be fantastic if there were people who could reach out to you - even if it was just for a short period of time Sometimes just having someone who can reach out to us when we’re feeling vulnerable, distressed and alone in our experiences, can make such a difference

Oh Rosemary4 I felt concerned when you shared ‘I’d rather be alone than with a bunch of hostile strangers’ and as such, I just ever so gently wondered if you would feel comfortable to share what this means for you?

Oh my goodness! I’m so sorry to hear about your experience of spending some time in a women’s refuge What you described sounds absolutely terrifying and it’s so understandable that this triggered some of your past traumas

Please remember that you’re always welcome to reach out here whenever you need to

In the meantime, please know that I’m thinking of you and sending you some gentle hugs

ShiningStar

Hi @Appleblossom

I’m so deeply sorry to hear that your sister passed away

Please know that I’m thinking of you

Take gentle care of yourself,

ShiningStar

Hi @ShiningStar thank you for your reply. Are you a mental health worker? You seem knowledgable.

You said

"I'm concerned when you shared ‘I’d rather be alone than with a bunch of hostile strangers’ and wondered if you would feel comfortable sharing what this means for you?"

I guess it means I'm scared of the potential monster in people if I dare to go out among them. It's the way they look at me. Its like they can see into me and know my shame, and are disgusted. It's hard to explain. One guy looked at me so strange the other day I kept checking if he was following me home and drove the long way round to make sure. The fear isolates me. It's real but I also know it's not rational. It's just safer at home but even here I get scared, but less. Does that make sense?

I saw my Psychiatrist yesterday, unfortunately he wouldn't reduce my meds despite those side-affects, said they'll ware off. Or maybe he meant i will just get use to it. I'm not sure if he's just trying to numb me so I feel nothing. How do we live if we can't feel? What choice do i have? Should I stop the meds? Then I lose his support or worse. I don't have much other support.

Thank you for checking in.

Are you ok?

Hi @Rosemary4

It’s so lovely to hear from you

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with me Some of our experiences can be really difficult to describe and I think that you’ve done a wonderful job describing these

After reading about your experiences, I can really appreciate why you feel so scared and unsafe Feeling that people have the ability to see those parts of ourselves that we’re so desperately trying to keep hidden, can feel absolutely terrifying

Absolutely Living in a constant state of fear (even if there’s a part of us that can identify that our fears are irrational) can be incredibly debilitating and this really does have the potential to impact so many areas of our lives.

I really got the sense that there were times when perhaps you feel trapped between a rock and a hard place, as on the one hand venturing out into the world feels unsafe, however on the other hand, staying at home doesn’t feel completely safe either My heart really goes out to you as the distress associated with feeling unsafe can be excruciating.

I’m so sorry to hear that your Psychiatrist was unable to reduce the dosage of your medications and I can really hear how desperately you need some relief from the side effects that you’re currently experiencing. I just wondered if he was able to provide more of a specific time frame in relation to when some of the side effects would start to ease?

I also just ever so gently wanted to say that making the decision to suddenly stop a specific medication, or adjusting the dosage without medical supervision could be harmful for you and so please take care around this

Oh wow! Your question ‘how do we live if we can’t feel?’ is really thought provoking. Feeling numb and disconnected can have such a profound impact on the way in which we’re able to participate in life and this can be a truly distressing place to be I know there have been times in my life when I almost haven’t been able to allow myself to feel, as the rush of emotions have just been too overwhelming for me I just ever so gently wondered if this is something that you can relate to?

Thank you so much for checking in with me - that’s really kind of you Some days are a little easier than others - I just have to remind myself to breathe

Thank you also for your interest in my profession I’m a Social Worker by profession, however due to mental health issues, I haven’t worked for a few years now

Please know that I’m thinking of you and sending you some very caring and gentle hugs

ShiningStar

Hi @ShiningStar - thank you for your thoughtful and thorough reply & caring Hugz. Sorry I've not checked in for so long. I forgot to.
Yes, perhaps the overwhelm makes me block emotion. Be it reflex or side effects I'm not sure, not much I can do about it.
I'm wondering if maybe the combination of medication (BP & antidepressant) is doing it... making me feel dead already. I feel so sluggish. Maybe it will wear off.

Hi @ShiningStar - are you still here? I can't sleep. Had another stint in hospital. They said it was because I stopped my pills. Can't help but think they're poisoning me, but trying to ignore those thoughts and stay on it.

Feel ashamed this time because I self harmed and have scar. My friends don't hardly visit anymore which really hurts. I don't know how to tell them how I feel. I'm not sure I have anything left to offer the world anyway, or if I can find a way out of this hole this time. My support worker has cut back coming to fortnightly because of covid or something. It feels like forever between visits. And the masks makes me feel like a germ. Sorry but bit down tonight. Well, more than usual. Was hoping you're around. It's still dark but 5am so think I'll make a cup of tea. I hope my not checking back more hasn't put you off too. I really got a lot out of your last post and read it over and over. Thank you.