Hello @Oaktree
Edit: A few additional words added for clarity. 2.30 pm 17 Sept. 21
Good to hear from you, Meg, with your description of the events of the last few days. Today, I am well, thank you. The sun is shining and there has been a little rain. It may, hopefully, be enough to help crops finish well.
Like you, as the counsellor, with whom I am speaking, suggested may occur, during and, in part, because of the the process toward improving our present lives, we sometimes have arise in our mind memories of past events, experiences, treatment by others and by ourselves too. Those recollections, reflections and thoughts can be unsettling. We often, during this process, go through, sometimes, pleasant and sometimes, what we would now, in retrospect, believe to be unpleasant recollections of thoughts, feelings, events and experiences, that cause us some pain, regret, even shame and embarrassment.
These occurrences are normally associated with blockages in our current lives and, I believe, that we only need to deal with the ones that are effecting our immediate and present life. In fact to worry about anything other than what causes dysfunction in our current lives, I think, wastes our emotional and physical energy. However, we need to be sure that we are adequately addressing, and not attempting to, inappropriately, put aside any relevant issues or events.
For my part, I am pleased that you are continuing your discussions (therapy) with the psychologist. And, even more so, that you are inviting your husband to be part of the process, to the extent that you wish to include, or inform him of any concerns that exist for you.
The techniques and distractions list, that you are preparing, sounds like a good idea. I have read of others using those sorts of self-support ideas.
In the last few notes, I have alluded to apportioning blame, responsibility and other issues, such as the ideas of due care, exercised by ourselves and others. I have referred to the fact that we need to accept some responsibility, in order to be able to forgive ourselves, for our part in any past activity or event. However, that does not mean that we should necessarily shoulder complete responsibility for any and all events in our past.
I understand, for reasons of uncertainty about the gravity or seriousness of events, concern about parental or guardian's reactions, and questions about our own level of responsibility, that children do not confide in parents, teachers or guardians. Children often feel that they have no-one in whom they may safely confide, any concerns about their thoughts, feelings and actions.
Sometimes, blockages can occur, if we do not allow ourselves, at least, some small portion of responsibility, for which we can give ourselves that necessary forgiveness. I really do not think that it is productive, for our own development and progress, to throw full responsibility on others, retaining no portion of responsibility ourselves, for which we can personally accept our own forgiveness, to and for ourselves.
Responsibility and culpability is really not an issue or situation where “all or nothing situation” or "black or white" separation should, I believe, should be applied. That is why I have used the word “apportioning”.
We also need to recognise the limited capacity of a child, according to their age, for culpability. This comes back to the three criteria, gravity or seriousness, consent and knowledge. As a child, we have limited capacity for each of those criteria to be met. So while there may exist an element of culpability to be accepted by a child, it is very definitely limited. Yet, even acknowledging that limited degree of culpability can be very releasing and freeing for ourselves. We cannot attribute a level of culpability to a child, in specific circumstances, that we would attribute to an adult in similar circumstances. This is where, as an adult, we may sometimes “post-judge” ourselves, for actions and experiences in childhood, against criteria that we fully understand as an adult, that we could not possibly have understood as a child.
I also believe that it is necessary to identify the differences between emotions that we feel, at any given time. I have described how I was in my 20's before I became aware of the difference between thoughts and feelings. That may seem really strange to people who have been accustomed, since childhood, to expressing their feelings and describing their thoughts. It is equally important to understand the difference between different feelings, such as shame and embarrassment. Unless we understand the difference, we can unjustly beat ourselves up for some event or situation in which we might, subsequently, be confusing one emotion with another.
The tyre is not yet repaired but I plan to do it today. I have had a fairly active week, with meetings and other activities. I have also done a bit of walking which suffices for exercise, in lieu of the bike. However, the bike will be more effective for exercise, because I can ride further and for longer than I am able to walk. In the past, such a simple job, as repairing a bicycle tyre, would not have been a problem. However, at present, it is difficult, though important.
For Now
My Best Wishes
@HenryX
