Introduction

Hello Meggle I just edited out some of my last post on the other thread to make it a little less confrontational. Are you happy to continue the discussion here?

henryX

@HenryX

So I read your response over at let's talk about bipolar thread. No I don't think that your language was too strong. I have known for years that I took over the role of my own abuser. I just don't know how to build up my own feelings of worth and self esteem. Any ideas?

Meggle

Hello @Oaktree

Hello Meggle,

Meggle some of the message here is very strong. Please let me know if I am being too sharp.

"

You and I have some unfortunate parallels in our lives, such as the message conveyed to us in so many ways that we are worthless, or worse, that we are considered to be a liability.

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Obviously the simple answer is that we are lovable and deserve to be loved. That begs the question. How do we know that to be true.

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It is so easy for us to continue that abuse against ourselves through our life. We actually perpetuate the belief that we are worthless. We then go out and look for reasons to support the argument that we are worthless. Those reasons exist in every negative interaction that we have with others. They even occur when we are looking in the mirror.

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Not only do we seek reasons to support the argument, but we also create scenarios that prove the point. We do this by developing situations and discussions in such a way as to alienate people around. This then proves that we are unlovable, Because, “see, even they can't tolerate our presence”.

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This is how the “cyst” make its ugly appearance in our lives. And until we deal with it, it just remains dormant, under the carpet until next time.

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So, the issue now is that it is not your mother or aunty telling you your worth, value or lovableness. You have now taken on the role of abuser. It becomes self-abuse psychologically.

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Sorry, that is pretty strong. Please let me know if you feel that my message is too harsh.

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Added to previous conversation. The answer to the question:

“Do I think that therapy with a clinical psychologist is worth the pain?”

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My answer is yes, taking into account the caveats that I mentioned above.

When I arranged the first appointment to see a counsellor about five weeks ago, I considered that that process may lead to me speaking with a clinical psychologist down the track. I am prepared for that. I have about 20 yrs of functional life left and I do not want to be in the position that I have seen other men in. Either, taking there own life or withering away in an ever diminishing social and physical environment. And I could see the possibility of that happening if I did not take steps to turn my situation around.

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So, from my perspective, you have many more years of reasons and a family which are very good reasons to get the dirt out from under the carpet, clean the carpet, sort out what you need and throw out the rest.

I'll send this now.

My Very Best Wishes

HenryX

Hi @HenryX

Thanks for your response re is it worth it? Unfortunately my social life has already withered away and I have to look for ways to extend my social activity. I am afraid that when I pass it will be from suicide. Not that I am suicidal now thanks @Former-Member . I feel like it's the right thing to do - to get the help from my clinical psychologist but I change my mind ona daily basis whilst I wait for an appointment. Who knows what I will say when she actually rings me with an appointment. I am trying not to make any kind of decisions around therapy at the moment. It's like eating vegetables! You hate it but you know it's healthy for you!

I think your right about looking for reasons to back up my own opinion that I am in fact unlovable and or worthless and of course if looking for that - that is the truth that I am going to find. Those cysts are insidious.

Meggle

Hi @Oaktree

I support appleblossom's observation that it is important that you have a good rapport and working relationship with the person with whom you are discussing your life, and its extremely intimate details. When I was working as an employment adviser, part of the role was, having identified what I perceived to be a need for psychological counselling, to refer the person to the psychologist attached to the office in which I worked. I would always say that if the person did not feel comfortable about discussing their life with the person to whom I referred the client, they should request referral to someone else or come back and see me. I did not want the client to feel that there was no way out if problems arose.

Now obviously, we don't speak with a psychologist or psychiatrist to have a friendly cup of tea and a chat. What we do need to feel is that if and when we become distressed that the person we are with can guide us through those feelings into a better space and provide us with psychological tools to continue in the therapy sessions, and ultimately to take those tools with us and use them in the life ahead of us.

Cheers

HenryX

Hi @Oaktree

You appear to have reflected many of my own feelings. I think that therapy is an unknown quantity until we go ahead and accept the offer. In a way it is similar to the way many people feel about flying in an aeroplane. It is an unknown quantity, until after our first take off and landing. After that it normally becomes progressively easier, until it becomes second nature. The only people we then hear from are those who have been unable to accustom themselves to flying. And, unfortunately, I think that therapy is very similar. We normally don't hear from people for whom the therapy has been successful, because it has been successful, and those people go on with their lives, having dealt with the past events, and hopefully, better equipped to deal with their future lives.

Cheers HenryX

@HenryX

I have so many issues. I don't tend to trust people very easily and especially not health professionals as I don't like the knowledge that they are keeping notes about my disorder. I have seen this clinical psychologist over maybe 2 years and I only recently came to a place where I felt that I could trust her with my inner demons. I was ready to do the work, however I just wasnt stable enough. My mood kept escalating into mania and finally I had a huge psychotic break and ended up hospitalised. This felt like such a defeat for me as I had been managing episodes better each time they occurred. I was devastated to say the least. So my psychiatrist told me that it would be a good idea to take a break with my psychologist for a period of 3 months while we monitored to see if I could get more stable on the new medication. Although they kept me at the top of the waiting list and my last appointment having been mid January, I am still waiting for my psychologist to have an opening. Apparently one is coming up in a few weeks time. I just don't know with my trust issues if I am going to be able to just throw myself fully into it from the get go or if I am going to need to rebuild a level of trust. So many unknowns.

I just want to say thank you to you for your thoughtful responses as I am finding this discourse extremely helpful. I am sorry if you are not getting anything out of it.

Meggle

@Oaktree

There is another thing to consider.

It may seem confounding, but it is still possible to fear leaving behind dysfunction in our lives for a better place, because, in a sense, that dysfunctional life is all we have known.

And then we start thinking, if our life changes significantly in terms of ourselves, what other areas of life might change.

My impression is, that despite your own feelings of concern and belief about yourself, you have made some really good, sound choices in your life. Yes, you will undoubtely meet some turbulence, but with steady support and a firm guiding hand, you will come through, stronger for yourself and your family.

HenryX

@HenryX

Yes that idea is confounding! Life could end up better. That would be a great thing but also maybe scary as it is the unknown. Change is hard.
I do hope for a better and brighter future.

Meggle

@Oaktree

Oh Meggle, there is that feeling of unworthiness coming through in your apology for not providing something in return.

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I can assure you, as I have mentioned elsewhere that we do not have to settle the accounts at the end of the evening. If you feel that what I offer in the words that I write is helpful, that is sufficient 'reward'.

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I would also like to say that I enjoy corresponding with you. My hope is that the discussion may smooth the waters a little and bring some peace. You are not alone in the position in which you are now. As I have said, we haven't had the same life, obviously, but there are parallels that allow us to feel a certain security and purpose in discussion with each other.

With Best Wishes

HenryX