DISSOCIATIVE DISORDERS (from_PTSD_to_DID)

@Former-Member ..... 💗💕

😄 @Former-Member

Here's the different faces of me then ..... ❣

😊 @Former-Member

Hello Everyone, It has been a while since I have posted as I have been in a bit of a hole.

I have lived with dissociation for as long as I have been an adult. It started from what I describe as 'trauma upon trauma' that had been left unrecognised (let alone addressed) for a long time as I was being 'treated' for bipolar affective disorder. I used to 'dissapear' for months at a time and have no recolection of people, experiences feelings, activities, prettymuch anything I did was lost to what i desribe as 'the void'. I also live with what I have learned to describe as portals, where I constantly see a lots of visual stimuli.

At times, usually when the stress mounts, I dissapear into these portals and live completely different lives. This used to cause problems with me being accused of 'lying' a lot, however over the years I recognised that I wasn't lying as such, it is just that these worlds are so real that I could remeber these experiences so strongly it is as if they actually happened. So when I would talk to people about things I had done/said, it was based on these experiences not on my actual real world experiences, so people thought I was just making stuff up.

I have long beleived that I didn't matter so over the years i slipped into 'third person mode' where my experiences were lived as if I was looking from behind me. This got to the point where I started to talk in third person and removed I/me in place of him/you/they. In recent years I have managed to get a much better handle on this and have made a lot of headway in regards to speaking about me as a person, not as a character. I have also learned to live quite well with all the extra stimuli.

Having said that, I still catch myself occasionally slipping into third person when I speak of my experiences and I still 'dissapear' when the stress becomes to much. I have never felt very comfortable speaking about this outside of my therapist's offices. I am about to start a new job and I have found it hard to stay 'conscious' because my default is to slip away into the portals.

Overall I have made a huge level of progress in recent years right across the spectrum of my mental-ill health, yet I still keep a lot of it too myself as many of the attitudes and perceptions I face are still very damning.

One of the hardest things I face is people seeing the progress (including me) who just assume that all is well now (a common experience for many I know). It is infuriating because we seem to get stuck on 'buts' rather than 'ands'. Yes I am doing well AND I still expereince quite turbulent periods of mental ill-health. 'but you are fine now'.... Yes and no! I am more resilient and capable of managing than ever AND there is still a lot missing from my life AND it can have a big impact on my ability to forge ahead.

I don't think I would be able to cope with out my dissociative states as they offer me respite. I have learned to manage them and articulate my expereinces well and that helps me to stay grounded within 'reality'. I don't fight them anymore, nor do I try and dismiss them. I have instead learned to see them as a form of self care that allows me to be more of myself thatn I can around the people around me.

Hi @Doc_Gonzo

So good to see you back on here!!

Do you think that when in a dissociative state it is because we are 'protecting ourselves' from more trauma?

I have noticed that I have been dissociative a few times, more more recent in a therapy session. And maybe i was protecting myself from more trauma, questoins, answers - that are still too traumatic for me to deal with.

Does that make sense???

@Former-MemberI recognise two personalities, one I call my professional self and one that is linked more to my emotions and feelings. The two are highly connected, one just takes more effort than the other (professional self) .

Because of the work I do I have to be focused and present while I am working. This can be hard to do at times and requires quite a lot of energy. When I get home, I let the locks off so to speak and let myself go where it wants. It helps me to process the unprocessed experiences of the day in safety.

The problem with this is that it can mean that I lose myself completely and I lose time. when I become conscious again I literally suffer temporal and spacial shock as I realise that I have lost time and am not necessarily where I was when I last remembered.

It is a whole body and mind experience where I live what I see, whether it is actually real or not.