How do you know you have the right psychologist??

@BlueBay Wow..

To break it down, the best psychologist is going to work with you to get a clear understanding of where you both are today and how they can help you to where you want to be tomorrow, in a week from now, in a month from now and so on. They are going to get an understanding of roadblocks and they are going to be aware that it's your responsibility to get there but you might need a hand along the way. They will have tools and strategies to help you when you get bogged down and maybe start walking back along the path. They will also be able to show your progress together because that's the important part, that you are making progress even if it's slow.

In essence, you know the path you want to follow, a good psychologist will help you to find the path and guide you back to it when you stray. There will be no judgement and they will understand that you are the expert in your own life, they are there to support you in being an expert in your life.

I hope that makes sense..

@BlueBay First and foremost, I would reccommend that you find out whether or not the therapist is prepared to offer you the precise services you require. So you need to know: "What do I need the therapist to do for me?" and then make sure they are prepared to do those things for you.

Secondly, but arguably much more importantly, never ignore any red flags. If a therapist says something to you that makes you think: "that's horrible!" and makes you really uneasy about your future course being charted out by a person with such atrocious values/beliefs, start looking for a way out immediately!

Thirdly, make sure your therapist is actually accomplishing something. As time progresses, you should actually start to see some improvements in your life, even if it's only on a step-by-step sort of basis. Or at the very least, you should find your therapist introducing elements into your life that makes you feel: "I may not be where I need to be just yet, but we're on the right track!" If you've been with your therapist for a while (I would say 3 months, max), and you feel like you aren't even on-track for a better life then when you started, then I would say it's time to start looking for a way out.

Beyond that, I don't have much advice for spotting a good therapist, as I've never actually had one myself. My personal expertise is in spotting the really crap ones. TBH, I've always found that the best therapists are the people who aren't actually therapists by trade; just good mates willing to lend a hand.

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@BlueBay wrote:

Hi everyone

@Owlunar @saltandpepper @Shaz51 @Eve7 @BPDSurvivor @Zoe7 @Faith-and-Hope @oceangirl @MDT @Emelia8 and anyone else reading along -

How do you know if you're psychologist is the right one for you? In the past 10 years I have seen 6 different psychologists. I saw one for 5 years but he decided he couldn't help me anymore so I had to find someone else. I saw one for 2 years who was very good and dealt with trauma. But then i couldn't afford seeing her so i had to stop. That's when i starting seeing someone at the local hospittal community centre. She is for free but looking back it's only talking to her; not much else. She doesn't have background in trauma therapy or DBT (dialetical behaviour therapy) or even helping someone with BPD (borderline personality disorder)

I have an appt to see her again in August as that was the earliest i could get in. But in the meantime I have been feeling that i needed someone much sooner, so I emailed my pscyh and he gave me a few names to see. I made an appt last week to see a guy called E. He basically asked lots of questions and gave me some deep breathing exercises to do when anxious. I had another appt today but a lot of it was about God and how he found God to help him with his trauma and depression and he told me he is on my journey with me to help me find me.

I walked out feeling like 'i don't know about this guy'. he seems very caring, understanding and friendly - but - i don't want to go in every week talking about God. Don't get me wrong, I am religious being Catholic but i don't understand why he mentions it so much.

He told me today that i need to trust him and he will help me.

The way i am at the moment i am confused; not sure if i should continue or see someone else. I have found another psycholgoist who delas with childhood sexual abuse, trauma, depression and uses DBT as therapy. Which is what i need for someone like me with BPD.

So, how do you know if you have the right person? and is it good to change every now and then?

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@BlueBay I think you need to follow your instinct on who you think is right for you. You can phone them and ask them questions before you seem them (over the phone interview). Most important that you are comfortable with them and you are making progress.

The article below explains things much better than I could- I hope it helps. Have a great night sis

https://www.abc.net.au/everyday/finding-the-right-psychologist/10139160

@BlueBay Btw the one that talks about god I would not be comfortable seeing someone like him and also him asking you to trust him- it does not sit right with me. Trust takes time to built and it is earned. But of course it is your decision to make. You can also attend day drograms or night programs at hospital too. Its important that you do the things you enjoy too.

Thsnks @oceangirl @chibam @AussieRecharger for your comments.
I feel awkward talking about God or religion. And trust - well I don't think I trust him yet. I've only seen him twice snd he's telling me to trust him.
im still unsure. I think I'll go next week snd see how it goes. If I still feel the same then I will stop seeing him.

@BlueBay ,

"When do you know you are seeing the right psychologist?" - I didn't know until I was forced into it because I was under community care. I was assigned a particular psychologist, and I guess he saw through me and saw my needs. He persisted even when I kicked....4 years on....I still see him. How so I know I'm seeing the right psychologist? Because I see myself make changes and improve each time we have a session. I can see how far I have come even between sessions. However, it must be noted that changes are two-way. He makes the suggestions, I do the work = win-win.

BPDSurvivor

@oceangirl @chibam @AussieRecharger

Hi @BlueBay

I just wanted to reach out and offer you some support

That’s such a great question and it’s definitely one that I’ve asked myself many times over the years

As I read through your experience, I can really appreciate why you feel confused and have some reservations about whether or not to continue to attend appointments with your current Therapist.

One of the things that’s really important for me, is being able to develop a strong therapeutic relationship. Without this, I really struggle to allow myself to be vulnerable and talk about the issues that are causing me distress. However, having said that, it can be really difficult to get a sense of the type of relationship that you can have with someone when you’ve only just met them, as relationships take time to develop and it’s an ongoing process! Therefore, one of the questions that I ask myself after I’ve met with a Therapist, is: could this Therapist be someone that in time, I could see myself feeling safe and comfortable with?

I’ve also found it really helpful to take some time to think about what happens for me emotionally when I leave the therapy room and explore how my Therapist may be able to support me in relation to these issues. For example, I often find myself in a state of crisis and in need of some additional support in between my appointments. Therefore, one of the questions that I asked my current Therapist was if they were able to provide any support to me outside of our scheduled appointments and if they were, what would this look like? For example, could I contact them via email? Did they have any capacity to talk with me on the telephone or schedule an emergency appointment and would they charge a fee?

One of the other things that’s also really important for me is boundaries and as such, I observe how my Therapist addresses issues in relation to these. For example, are they punctual, do we finish our appointment at the agreed time, do they respect my personal space and are our conversations professional whereby my Therapist ensures that the focus remains on me and my needs.

With that being said, I just ever so gently wanted to say that I felt really concerned when you shared ‘a lot of it was about God and how he found God to help him with his trauma and depression and he told me he is on my journey with me to help me find me.’ Although there are times when Therapists do self disclose, this is always done after careful consideration and only when disclosure is in the other person’s best interest and it’s relevant to the therapeutic process. However, even then, it’s something that’s done with caution and the upmost care, sensitivity and respect. As such, this particular interaction has raised some concerns for me in relation to his professional boundaries

It's also important for me, that the Therapist that I’m seeing has the necessary qualifications, skills and experience to support me with the issues that I’m seeking their support with. As such, there have been times when I’ve arranged a brief telephone appointment with the Therapist that I’m interested in seeing, to get a better sense of this, which I’ve always found really helpful.

I also really value specific personal qualities and as such, the right Therapist for me is someone who is human, patient, gentle, warm, empathic and takes the time to understand me, my needs and my goals and how specific experiences in my life have contributed to the person that I am today and how I see the world.

Furthermore, it’s important for me that my Therapist takes responsibility for guiding the therapeutic process so that I have every opportunity to achieve the goals that are important to me. I also really appreciate a Therapist who is confident within themselves, whereby they’re not afraid to challenge me and when necessary, call me out!

I also value Therapists who encourage me, celebrate my achievements (even the seemingly small ones) and who hold a sense of hope that recovery is possible - especially during the times when I’ve lost hope and I can’t do this for myself.

The final issue that guides me in terms of knowing if I’ve found the right Therapist, is in relation to emotional ruptures - which unfortunately are an inevitable part of most of our relationships Therefore, for me, it’s about how comfortable I feel to raise the issues that have contributed to these and how willing my Therapist is to understand what has happened for me and how commited they are to working with me to address and repair the issues that have resulted in the rupture

I was thinking about your second question when you asked ‘is it good to change every now and then?

Although there have definitely been times in my life when I’ve felt that it was in my best interest to find another Therapist, my decisions have been guided by specific events that have been a deal breaker for me, rather than the amount of time that I’ve been attending appointments with a particular Therapist

I hope that this helps you a little bit

Take care of yourself,

ShiningStar

@BlueBay I'm so sorry that finances stopped you seeing the good psychologist 😞

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@BlueBay wrote:

I had another appt today but a lot of it was about God and how he found God to help him with his trauma and depression

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This is terrible. The appointment is not about him! He shouldn't be talking about himself. Each appointment is precious, so it's a waste of time talking about him.

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@BlueBay wrote:

I have found another psycholgoist who delas with childhood sexual abuse, trauma, depression and uses DBT as therapy. Which is what i need for someone like me with BPD.

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I reckon this sounds good.

It seems amazing to me that you have such a lot of choice, which is good. 🙂

Good luck!

@BlueBay If you are already feeling uncomfortable with this psychologist then it is not a good sign moving forward. I would especially be concerned with how much he is disclosing about himself to you and also him saying trust him. Also - whilst his reference to God and how finding that path helped him is in itself not an issue - the issue is if he focusses on that for you without knowing and allowing for your idea of what can help. I too would be very wary of this psychologist - especially in light of his trust comment - it takes time to build trust and such comments so early in the 'relationship' would be a sign for me that there is already an inbalance with this psych. I would also be concerned that he has his own agenda and project that onto you rather than working with what you actually need. Ultimately you need to weigh up what you do actually need against what he can provide - you don't need a 'friend' - you need help and strategies that work for you and finding someone that can provide those in a professional capacity is key. The relationship you have with your psych is important but there also needs to be good boundaries for optimum benefit - and it already seems this psych does not have adequate boundaries nor is coming from a purely objective position. Lived experience is great to find in someone but when that impacts your own comfortability and therefore openness and progress - then it becomes an issue. ....lots to think about but make sure he is the right fit for you longer term.

Thank you @ShiningStar @Zoe7 @NatureLover @BPDSurvivor @oceangirl @AussieRecharger @chibam

for your comments.

This morning I called my psych's rooms and spoke to the receptionist. I explained to her that i wasn't too happy with this new psychologist and the reason being he is too spiritual for me. He is a nice guy but I don't need this right now. So I decided to cancel the next two appointments I had with this new psychologist. I just felt that he wasn't the right person for me and my issues. He may be a really nice guy - but - I don't want to hear about his spiritual journey or his issues. Or even to 'trust him'; I have to gain his trust to trust him.

She agreed that he is like that but also said that he is great for some people and not for others. She will now speak with my psychiatrist and ask him if he can suggest another psycholgoist from his rooms for me to see. If he can't then I will speak to another clinic where I can possibly see someone else.

Do you know I don't even feel bad for cancelling. Usually I would feel terrible for the person, thinking they will now hate me - but it's my decision, my therapy and I am after all paying him. So I am from now on going to 'interview' the next psychoolgiist with questions. I am goiung to ask lots of questions and if they can't help or don't fit in then I will look elsewhere. I have wasted a lot of years with the wrong therapists. I need someone that will help me with childhood sexual abuse trauma, depression, anxiety, BPD. And some treatments are specific like DBT for BPD. I'm not going to go with anyone, I will be choosy.

In my sessions I would like a psychologist that will give me -

• boundaries
• help to achieve my goals
• strategies and tips
• support with empathy and no judgement whatsoever
• I want to be able to leave the session and feel good about myself or how the session went
• to be able to achive slowly but surely in the right direction
• i want to be able to relate to the therapist and for them to listen; to feel validated
• I need to feel safe to be able to open up and talk

I don't want a psychologist that -

• talks about their issues in the sessions
• talks about spirituality or religion or even start praying in the session (like this one did!!!)
• I have my own beliefs in religion and I don't need to share them with anyone especially a total stranger ie. psychologist
• will make me feel scared to talk

There's probably more to write in the above points but I can't think right now.