Memories

I agree @saltandpepper 👍

Got a call from my brother before, the second he starts talking I can hear it in his voice. Something isn't right. I braced myself for whatever was coming, getting through the general niceties with one worded responses.

He's cautious, hesitant, reluctant, I can hear it. He tells me he drove by our old house today, the one we grew up in as kids. He mentions the bus route we used to travel on to get to school. Every word he's taking a breath, like it's hard to say whatever he needs to say. I know he's waiting for a sign from me that it's ok to go ahead and say it. But I can't say anything.

I can hear him puffing away on his smoke and even hear each gulp as he sips at whatever he's using to help take the edge off. His anxiety makes me anxious. He struggles with memory too, not as bad as me, but he's blocked a lot out as well. Things are coming back to him, I know that, and I wonder if that's why he's calling. If seeing our old house has brought back another horror from the past. I'm scared to ask this time. The last time we talked about those things, the last time I asked questions, I got answers I wasn't ready to hear.

I've been stuck on a loop with these thoughts over the past few days. And now my brother is calling and wanting to talk about those things and I can't. I wanna talk to him, I want to ask those questions, I want to know what he knows. But I'm afraid. He's afraid too.

The call ends and I know he hasn't said what he wanted to say. Part of me wants to call back, or text, just ask the question. But I can't do it. Think I need time to brace myself for whatever he's about to throw my way. He's driven out to our old house, our old neighbourhood, he's gone there looking for answers. I want to know what he knows, but I'm not ready to hear it, not yet, not right now.

((( @saltandpepper )))

The time will come @saltandpepper when you are ready to know, ready to ask, ready to hear. It doesnt have to be now. It can wait. You are not on the same timeline as your brother, and thats okay too. He understands.

I hope you can switch off a little tonight to enable some much needed rest.

Thanks @Emelia8 I ended up sending a text but he didn't respond. That makes me nervous. I've just woken up from a craptastic series of shitty dreams and I'm all sweaty now. My heart is racing and I feel like I want to cry again. Or spew. Or both.

My ex was in my dream for a bit there and it was like old times, united against the world. I miss that. I miss having an ally. I don't deserve one, and in all honesty I'm surprised it took so long for my ex to walk away. Fu*king dreams just make shit more painful.

Stuff with my mother came up--feel like vomiting again. Nerves. I have a hard time dealing with all that shit. My ex was a good support with all that. Reassuring. I need constant assurance that I'm not at fault for the way she treated me. Constant reassurance that I wasn't a bad kid. Constant reassurance that she was abusive.

uuuuuggggghhhhhhhh hate my mind sometimes. Just want it to stop.

Hearing you with all that @saltandpepper . Sounds like a rough night all round. Hope your brother responds to your text this morning, and all is okay. I guess you are looking fwd to having your son stay with you overnight today?

Morning @Anastasia ... I note you were up and about late, or early, overnight. Hope you and yours are okay. Lots on your mind no doubt, after appointments yesterday.

Emelia 💞

Morning @Emelia8 yeah haven't heard from him, guess I won't, must not be a text conversation. Fun. Yeah, long night, still feeling sick. That's interfering with having my morning coffee which is just criminal.

Hey folks just letting you guys know I won't be around much today. Will check in with ya's when I can. Thinking of you @Anastasia sending lots of hugs your way

@Anastasia @NatureLover @BlueBay @The-red-centaur @TAB @MDT @frog

Not a problem @saltandpepper

Hope you can manage that morning coffee soon. Enjoy having your young son there today.

Some good news from me ... Money for sale of ute is in the bank. 💰 Just got a call from computer man to let me know that my new PC tower is ready to collect. 👍 Not so good though ... My vet apt for this arvo has been rescheduled for Friday due to some emergency situation down there. Oh well, Holly will be happy I guess 🐶

Hi @The-red-centaur @NatureLover @Anastasia @BlueBay

Emelia