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@saltandpepper wrote:
3. Then there's another man. I'd describe his behaviour as grooming. It was over the course of years. He gained the trust of my parents, everyone's parents, he was well liked by a lot of people. I don't remember specifics very well here. Just two incidents that I can recall. But I think I've blocked a lot out. Anyway, I recently learned he was investigated for having inappropriate relationships with children, but he was never charged. Funnily enough; he's now employed at the catholic school I went to. Figures.
Thinking about this a lot lately. Just thinking. It's frustrating not having clear memories. Even more frustrating that other people do remember things but I don't.
I never viewed this man as anything other than a good person. I liked him. And now I look at it as an adult and it feels sickening to see it for what it is. Being treated differently, being "special". Trusting him and enjoying his company so much that being alone with him was something I wanted. I liked spending time with him. I know that's how it works, i know it's what being groomed is. But I still feel conflicted about it. I still feel angry that I was so trusting. That I wanted to be in his company. It almost feels like it was my fault. I enjoyed feeling special, and I guess I was an easy target for it considering the way things were at home.
What I really hate more than anything is how many opportunities this man had to be alone with me. How everyone trusted him so much, that the concept of me going camping with him wasn't a red flag to anyone. And there's things I remember but it's not enough, only scraps. But one by one the memories come back to me, I need them to come back to me.
I ran into this man by chance when I was in high school. He was friendly toward me, and at the time I couldn't explain the way I felt. I wanted to get away. Immediately. I felt uncomfortable all over. I remember feeling exposed. It was summer and I had a singlet and shorts on, and that feeling.. I wanted more clothes. I wanted to be covered up. I still feel it now. Just this mountain of anxiety in my chest. Inexplicable fear. And when I walked away the relief I felt. Like I was safe.
It's hard to look at that now and quite obviously see why I was uncomfortable but it's strange that at the time I didn't understand. I didn't understand why the man from my childhood who I enjoyed being around suddenly made me feel so uncomfortable.
I wish I'd had the sense to see it for what it was back then, but I also understand that I was a child and that's just how being groomed works. It doesn't change the confusing mix of feelings I have now. When I was a kid I enjoyed being around this man, I trusted him, and it makes me feel sick to think of now. Just this hot pile of vomit sitting in my throat ready to come splashing out. I wish someone had seen it for what it was. I wish I didn't enjoy his company. I wish I didn't voluntarily jump at the chance to be alone with him. What a stupid fu*king c*** I was. Yeah I know I was a kid yadayadayada.
I wish someone had seen it for what it was. I wish someone noticed my unhealthy attachment to this man. I wish someone had a problem with it. There's just no way that I'd miss these red flags if it were my son. I really don't understand how... well no I do understand how my parents missed it... Dad wasn't around a lot and mum wasn't stable. Even if that was different, if my parents were different, it probably wouldn't have changed anything. He was very well liked by everyone. No one would've picked it. Just makes me feel sick to think about. Angry and sick. I was so naiive and trusting. I hate that more than anything. I hate that I liked him. I hate that I enjoyed being "special". I hate how many opportunities he had to be alone with me. I hate that my parents trusted him. I hate myself for all of it. I hate that there's nothing I can do with these feelings. This confusing and sickening mix of feelings.
