Are You Born Negative?

Beyond50, Hi

I find it difficult to beleive that people are born "negative", but the environment, nurturing has alot to do with how you grow.

I was born into a fairly "disjointed" family, second marriages for both my parents, but I was so lucky to be wanted and loved, especially close to my father.

It wasn't til much later in life, after 2 failed marriages myself, but again so lucky to have 2 wonderful sons, that I started to suffer from mental health. I used to be such an extrovert, fun to be with, loved having friends and family over, loved celebrating life.

Life can turn on you, when you least expect it, so "negative" is something that can grow, through bad decisions, events, change of luck etc.

Please try to "look on the bright side", so they say. Make a list of great, good, happy, lucky things in your life, put aside the sad, bad whatever. Good luck my friend 🙂

There are positive and negative polarities in cell physiology operating throughout the body. Polarities are caused by the presence or absence of electrons ... different elements can pass through cell walls .. it is how the whole body and all of nature operate.

NOTE .. there is no positive or negative genes .... if you are interested try reading a bit more ... there is a lot on the web.

Beyond that you do have some choice in what you believe to be true ... I do not believe choice is completely free ... just that there are windows of choice for us all.

So NUP we all bleed when cut ... and originally have the capacity to feel pain and joy

Hi Beyond50,

I have 2 sisters. My parents both had come from neglected homes. Both had mothers that showed no affection or attention.They both did not know who their father was.They met in 1964 and tried to give each other the chance to feel and my mum was convinced that love would heal and give them a life that both never had.but always wanted.They married 2 years later and had my sister 2 years afer that. My dad began to drink and hang out playing darts after work.My mum got PND with her next child and tried to end it.Got no sympathy from Dad.Mums coping mechanism is moving every chance she got.Any one that tried to make friends with her usually resulted in moving. All of us girls tried to please them. We craved affection but never got it.My mum was jealous of 1 sister who was daddy's fav.My dad was cruel to my older sis because she was overweight.We all picked at least one guy we thought could be loved but could not change.We all love our kids but find now and then being like mum and pulling back.

So what happened to them? Un able to love? Were they born negative? Surely enough neglect in childhood can cause relationship troubles and trust issues? Don't know.

Hi @Former-Member, @Former-Member

experiencing neglect and abuse in childhood is traumatic. I'm guessing the depth of feeling depends on length and intensity of abuse and the role model of the parents. Whatever behaviour you experience through your parents will be initially accepted as "normal".

I have no idea whether my own experience can be counted as exemplary. Both my parents are holocaust survivors; though they were never diagnosed, I am guessing they suffered from PTSD and their actions and reactions were extreme. I was abused in every way possible - the overriding feeling of my childhood was fear - that was normal. Because it was normal for me I slipped into an abusive relationship; didn't recognise is as such. Much later when one of my therapists mentioned "abusive relationship" I was most indignant ... that did not apply to me.

Nevertheless, the constant abuse took its toll and I became suicidal. After a couple of unsuccessful attempts I decided to plan the suicide and leave nothing to chance. In the advanced stage of planning, only one small piece was missing, someone showed he actually cared and drew me into conversations. He ensured, I was referred to appropriate therapists.

That was four and a half years ago. In the meantime, with the assistance of therapy my life has turned around completely. I have learnt to take control of my life; more important, I have learnt if something bad happens it is part of my life and does not define my life. Not everything goes my way; how could it, this is life we're talking about. There are some things I'm very unhappy about; nevertheless, on the whole I am happy. I have my ups and downs ... I still have nightmares, I still get flashbacks; nevertheless, on the whole I am happy. And when I do get flashbacks I seek help, one of the reasons I'm on this forum

Will this convince you @Former-Member that there is no genetic fault in you or as you put it being born negative? I don't know; actually, I doubt it ... I know even four years I would have scoffed at that notion. I merely participated in therapy to please my therapists; but slowly therapy did have an effect.

Oh yes, I nearly forgot, I'm 68. So there have been a lot of years of abuse.

I'm not so sure whether you can simply decide to adopt a different mindset. It seems to me it is more of a process. My counsellor explained we need to build up a Positive Overload Syndrome (pos), meaning it takes 5 positive experiences to outweigh a negative experience. Whilst our negative are often outside or control, positive experiences are not. We can conciously create them.

For me it means I started doing things I love. For one I ensure I go to live concerts regularly, twice a month on average. I always feel much happier afterwards. Two and a half years ago I joined two choirs and took up singing lessons - and I always feel much happier after singing. Being a member of the choirs I have unexpectedly found people who care, check up on me when I'm not well and most importantly take me as I am and judge not. Doing these wonderful things regularly gives me my pos so I can cope with the bad things that happen inevitably.

I guess this all sounds as though it's so easy; well, it's not. It was a major battle to actually get into a concert. I couldn't do it on my own. There was a friend who "trial"-went with me beforehand; I hadn't been able to get out of car to go to the concert. Then there was another friend who went to the first concerts with me and held me all the way, because my knees gave way.

I didn't just join the choirs; I was dragged into one of them fully convinced I'd be kicked out. This friend had been abused in a similar way to the way I was. She knew what I was going through. Changing my mindset was a long process. The process was started by one person who believed me and believed in me. His tenacity, pushing me, shoving me, supporting me in the best possible way brought me to where I am now. It's a long process and I don't believe there is a shortcut.