Help. Please.

@Last-Lament No need to apologise at all, and thanks for checking in.

Yeah, completely agree. I know that half the time it's not present day me reacting to a situation. I know rationally that a lot of what's in my head at the moment is old feelings. I think, my partner leaving has brought up some old abandonment issues and I'm stuck in a cycle of torturing myself with past abuse. It's not present day me, I know that, but it's sucking me in like it's all fresh. Reliving everything on a loop over and over again. Still, as an adult, not even feeling capable of standing up for myself.

I can't imagine how big of a challenege that must be for you. You're doing an amazing job taking care of yourself there, and what a great strategy you have in place. I really like the sound of it, asking yourself if you want to suffer the consequences or treat yourself with kindness. A great way to exhibit some self control, well done. If I'm in a better head space, I can see that being helpful, so I'll come back to your post. I try to be better at taking care of myself, but some days I just fu*k it all up. Doing stuff that I know is only going to make things worse but I do it anyway. I'm not very disciplined, and I guess a large part of it is the self-hate I carry around. I don't feel I deserve any better.

I couldn't agree more re living with depression and accepting it. I'm the same way, generally. Well on my good days I can accept it all and it is a lot easier to manage from that point of view. Otherwise it gets debilitating. But it's a balancing act, accepting without embracing. Sometimes I think I give myself too much leeway and if I'm not careful I wind up here. Just goes from needing a break and taking an afternoon nap to not being able to get out of bed all day. Slippery sloap. But as a general rule, yeah I'm the same way with it all. Never not going to be free from depression, all I can do is try to manage it and keep it under control. Just not doing a bang up job of it right now.

And feel free to ramble away, I know I do it too when I post. But also, having something to read and distract myself with is helpful, so thanks for the response @Last-Lament much appreciated

Hi @saltandpepper ... I really don't think that, as depressed and suffering with SI as you are, that you need to put any pressure on yourself to work on 'moving forward' or being the person you can be. I honestly think it's enough to tread water, or even go backwards for a while - just as long as you're still safe, I mean. Going backwards sometimes is just a reality. Just getting through each hour is enough, at those times.

I honestly think you can feel proud of yourself, having got to where you are in life, having survived with severe depression, I mean. You are trying your best to be there for your son, while still feeling like you want to die.

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@saltandpepper wrote:

I just forced myself to go out on a walk, nice enough day for it. But it was so fu*king hard. I stopped and sat down by the river and thought about giving up. I sat there going over and over it. By the time I managed to get up it felt like a struggle even to walk again. I just felt like I wanted to sit there and die. Just be done with it all.

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I think you can feel proud of yourself for going for a walk - those without severe depression have no idea how hard that is. Just surviving each hour seems impossibly hard, so well done, @saltandpepper .

Ah @NatureLover thanks so much.. Incredibly comforting reading your words this morning, thank you

I am losing control over my mind. Playing through whatever it wants on a painful and repetitive cycle. I'm tired but sleep isn't helping. Sleep is making it worse. I have no control over where my mind goes when I'm asleep. When I wake, I feel the emptiness in my chest, the tension in my neck and shoulders, my heart racing, my teeth aching. My body is primed to fight, but it's just me here, just me.

An endless wave of destruction caused by you engulfed the child I could have been. Being taught only to survive, become cold, become angry, I became just like you. Everything I hated about you became me. I can barely manage to live with myself when I feel so much anger and hate inside of me, I hate the person you turned me into.

Everything comes back to you. You abusive, cold, manipulative, unfeeling, self-serving, controlling, aggressive, c*** of a person. YOU WERE WRONG TO TREAT ME THE WAY YOU DID. I was a kid, I didn't deserve to cop the things you did and said to me. I wish I could say this to your face, I wish I could scream it at you. But after a lifetime of learning to fear you, I still can't find my voice, I still can't protect myself from you.

The more I look back, the clearer it becomes. I see things clearly now, for the first time in my life. It all comes back to you.

Oh @saltandpepper I can see the anger in your writing. The fear. I have the same I feel for you so much. I'm sorry for what you went through as a child. it's not right.
sending you a big hug and love. Xxoo

how are you this morning?

@BlueBay Thanks muchly for your response and sending some love my way. Not doing very well of late, not feeling great today, anticipating a shitty 24 hours ahead. Very tired and feeling defeated.

Did some more reading last night re the affect child abuse has on the development of the brain. Normally reading things like that helps me, validation I guess. I just feel fu*ked though. No wonder my brain is just a bag of trash. When your brain functions in survival mode for so long, pruning away everything but what's necessary for survival, how can I ever become more than that? I can't. Everything I read, it's left me feeling hopeless. I am the way I am, and I hate that. I can't rewire my brain, I can't open up pathways that have been closed off. I'll always be this half functioning, limited capacity, wreck of a person.

Hi @saltandpepper,

You mentioned the next 24 hours are going to be really tough for you. I am wondering if you would like to share what the next day will look like for you? There are so many people on the forums sitting with you and are here for you if you need someone to learn on these next 24 hours.

I'm really sorry to hear that the reading last night wasn't the validating experience you were hoping it would be, and that it was in fact the opposite for you. It sounds like this article in particular really brought up that feeling of hopelessness. That can be really hard to sit with 💜

I'm sorry you're struggling so much after reading the info. It can be really traumatising. I've read things before about childhood sexual abuse snd I had to stop.
will you be ok tonight @saltandpepper

Hang in there you'll get through this xxx

@BlueBay @Daisydreamer Thanks for the support guys. Yeah it sucks hey @BlueBay just not a good feeling when you get slapped in the face with the reality of the extent of all the damage.

I don't know to be honest. Got home around lunch time today and just went to bed so I wouldn't have to think anymore. Managed to get some sleep which has helped and just going to stay active on the forums to keep myself distracted I reckon.

After seeing my GP the other day and being honest about everything she wants to see me again next week. More frequent visits to see her and my psych for a little while til things settle down and upping meds, just gotta claw my way through it.

Pls take care @saltandpepper

happy to chat tonight. About to have dinner. Back on later. Xxx