Let's talk DID and dissociation

I think doing something nice and kind for just one of you is easiest.

Lots of my system like being outside so I've spent time outside tidying up my garden. It might not sound nice to some but we love it. I also got rid of heaps of male red backs by stamping on them with my boots, that kinda made some of my system satisfied as well because usually I don't let them squash bugs and stuff.

@MySunrise ive been trying to do a bullet journal. Feels more like work really though.

Had to go to GP other day to get stitches out for self harm and she was nice but payed way to much attention to me/it, wanting to put some gel stuff on it and see me again to check it. It's so shameful I guess I dissociate and couldn't speak. I really don't want to go back but feel I should because she was nice. It's just too much. It's almost like I'd rather people be at least a little rude or non caring because I did it, so I don't deserve niceness.

Hi I've been off line for a week or so. How is everyone?

@destructive I struggle with compassionate people as well, it triggers something deep within. For me I think it's because when I was very young compassion came with a price and it wasn't real. Or maybe it's something I've longed for but never thought I was worthy enough. 🤷‍♀️

I can't cry either. I wish I could because there's a million years of tears somewhere inside.

@MySunrise Yeah, I guess we got taught people are dangerous and so if they be nice that's Susa right. And also even if it was real we wouldn't deserve it, our brain says anyone. One 'part' says anyway.

had therapy yesterday. I got stuck, I'm not sure if I don't remember parts. Does that happen to over people?? Like how do you know if you miss something when you're just bad at telling time in general. Like there is the obvious times when you're one place then another but then there are other times like when I k ow I got stuck but she said it was 10 mins and I don't know it was that long or if she said anything or whatever. She asked if it was a 'part' which freaks me the hell out. It feels embarrassing and scary. Like how do I know if I do or say something embarrassing. I don't know.

therapist wants me to go weekly and I think I do too, sort of. But I just can't. Even with rebates it $75 a session then when that runs out it's $160. I'm a single mum. How often do others go to therapy and how do you afford it. Just feels like I'll never move forward because every fortnight I just start again.

@destructive how are you doing?

Regarding your question about missing time, sometimes I don't have concept of time. I think it's only been about half an hour when really it's been about 3 hours. I think that's why I like to stay at home a lot. For me I don't suddenly find myself in another place. Sometimes things go missing or I lose things in places I wouldn't have thought to put things. I've always thought that was due to bad memory or not paying attention. Sometimes it feels like I've had a micro sleep (you know where you've been on auto pilot in the car then realise where you are), although that can happen anywhere. Again, why I like to stay home or close to home.
Often though I am in the distance when others are present and watch like it's through a window. Or they are in the distance and I can feel them out with me (it's hard to explain).

It is less confusing when I write it here but at the time it can all be very strange. I just want to learn how to live in the outside world without looking strange.
On therapy and cost, that is hard too. I don't know what I'm going to do with the rebate sessions run out.

@MySunrise @Thanks so much for sharing, it's really good to hear because mostly it's like that for me too. I do sometimes loose time though but it's only maybe a few times a year and not like I end in timbuck too or something. Once I did find myself in my car out front of one of my primary schools which was not where I was meant to be going. That was odd but thankfully it wasn't when I needed to be anywhere else noticeable like work or something. I did once go home instead of the a meeting I was meant to and it left me a bit late which was embarrassing and stressful. But more what you said. Feeling more absent minded.

I think others have drifted off but wondering how old people are and how long diagnosis took. I'm mid 30s and been in some sort of psych treatment since 18 and had other dx like schizophrenia, anxiety, PTSD and just got dx DID in like NOv 2020 I think. I'm trying to get my old GP files to see if there was anything of that from earlier that I just didn't know of but they keep putting me off. It's so frustrating that they don't want to give you your own records .

@destructive

Hi. I think other's have drifted out. That's sad because it was nice chatting to people with similar things going on... @Former-Member @Bellarose75 @thetesorosystem @candydipper1 We hope you are ok.

I'm in my mid 40's btw

@MySunrise @destructive , evening friends hoping you are doing ok. I have been struggling to be here of late, can't get through a day without meltdowns and triggers and I am exhausted.

I have read back a little trying hard to catch up with the conversation. I have lost time for nearly 12 years ish now, I have ended up 2 hours away from home with no idea how I drove there. I disassociate a lot and all alters seem to block each other when things are bad. I have spent the last week in a state of fear, feeling unsafe even in my own home. Compassionate people are hard for me to deal with also because of childhood trauma. The cost of therapy often stops people from reaching out. I don't know your whole situations but have you considered your options around NDIS? I have funding and it has help lift the burden of the cost.

Well it's time for night meds, I am not sure they are working but must take them. Looking forward to chatting with you both again.

@destructive @Unlonely1 👋👋👋👋

ím stíll hєrє
sσrt σf
nσt dσíng gσσd
вut thαts lífє
í hαtє lífє
í dσnt wαnt 2 в hєrє вut í hαvє вєєn mαdє sσ αwαrє σf thє pαín í wíll cαusє íf wє quít
... cσz thαts wσts ‘ímpσrtαnt‘!

nσt cαusíng pαín 4 σthєrs 😡

sσ wє must cσntínuє 2 єхíst ín σur αgσnч sσ єvrч1 єlsє cαn nσt вє íncσnvєníєncєd вч thє ‘lσss‘ σf us.

@Unlonely1 I am glad you responded, it's nice to hear from you.
I am sorry others are putting pressure on you to stay here. It's probably because they love you so much.

I know someone else who only stays because they don't want to cause others pain. I'm glad they are here still because even with the pain they are sometimes glad to be here.

They make my heart sing.

I wonder if something or someone makes you want to stay sometimes? Maybe hold onto that?
But I'm not someone to give advice. I may be here but I'm hiding from the world.

I hope that all my posts don't cause you to feel bad or to have more pain. I really don't know what I'm doing. I fake it till I make it I guess and it comes out in what I write here. It's easier here than in the real world.
I've had a rough day with dissociation and time loss today, it makes me want to hide away more than usual. But tomorrow might be better - that's my hope.